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# ISSUE

Author Message
Manager
Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 80

Kudos [?]: 35 [0], given: 6

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04 Jul 2010, 10:26
Attachments

Issue.jpg [ 142.29 KiB | Viewed 1830 times ]

_________________

Yogesh Agarwal
yogeshagarwala@gmail.com

CONSIDER AWARDING KUDOS IF MY POST HELPS !!!

Kudos [?]: 35 [0], given: 6

Manager
Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 80

Kudos [?]: 35 [0], given: 6

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04 Jul 2010, 10:29
This is my first attempt on a mock writing my AWA. Please give in your valuable feedback. Thanks.
_________________

Yogesh Agarwal
yogeshagarwala@gmail.com

CONSIDER AWARDING KUDOS IF MY POST HELPS !!!

Kudos [?]: 35 [0], given: 6

Manager
Joined: 24 May 2010
Posts: 80

Kudos [?]: 27 [1], given: 1

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05 Jul 2010, 13:07
1
KUDOS
I'm no expert at this, but my impression is that your paragraphs are too short. You need to beef up the introduction and conclusion paragraphs by summarizing the points you are going to (and have) discussed. Also the points you raise in your paragraph are good, but again I feel like the paragraphs need to be longer. I'm not sure how I could do a better job though, it's a hard topic!

Also, your fourth paragraph talks about two topics in one. Maybe the last point about serving your parents came to you as you were writing the essay so you added it in. I wouldn't do that..either don't mention the point or put it into a separate paragraph with its own examples.
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Kudos [?]: 27 [1], given: 1

Manager
Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 80

Kudos [?]: 35 [0], given: 6

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06 Jul 2010, 11:24
hetalcs wrote:
I'm no expert at this, but my impression is that your paragraphs are too short. You need to beef up the introduction and conclusion paragraphs by summarizing the points you are going to (and have) discussed. Also the points you raise in your paragraph are good, but again I feel like the paragraphs need to be longer. I'm not sure how I could do a better job though, it's a hard topic!

Also, your fourth paragraph talks about two topics in one. Maybe the last point about serving your parents came to you as you were writing the essay so you added it in. I wouldn't do that..either don't mention the point or put it into a separate paragraph with its own examples.

Hi hetalcs,
Thanks for that crucial input. I tried making them big but I believe time was a constraint. For my other mocks, I will try including this piece of advice. Thanks a lot.
Kudos for you!!
Take Care
Bye
_________________

Yogesh Agarwal
yogeshagarwala@gmail.com

CONSIDER AWARDING KUDOS IF MY POST HELPS !!!

Kudos [?]: 35 [0], given: 6

Manager
Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Posts: 80

Kudos [?]: 35 [0], given: 6

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13 Jul 2010, 13:05
Attachments

issue.jpg [ 164.49 KiB | Viewed 1776 times ]

_________________

Yogesh Agarwal
yogeshagarwala@gmail.com

CONSIDER AWARDING KUDOS IF MY POST HELPS !!!

Kudos [?]: 35 [0], given: 6

Re: ISSUE   [#permalink] 13 Jul 2010, 13:05
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