Hey hey. This is going be a bit of tough love here. I'm going to sound like a real douche in a moment while tearing this up but I figure you need to get it now before it kills your AWA:
dimitri92 wrote:
In matching job candidates with job openingsHidden text , managers must consider not
only such variables as previous work experience and educational background but
also personality traits and work habits, which are more difficult to judge.
What do you consider essential in an employee or colleague? Explain, using
reasons and/or examples from your work or worklike experiences, or from your
observations of others.
My response:
The statement above states
[<< Redundant right off the bat. Weak start ]that managers should not only consider previous work experience and educational background, but should also take in to account personality traits and work habits to hire a valuable candidate for a position.
[<< Using the first chunk of words to restate the question is bad idea IMO. I forget the general etiquette, but as a reader I'm thinking "yeah I KNOW all this, I asked/read the question... you're wasting my time."] I strongly agree with this position because in my professional experience, I have come across so many situations and been in so many experiences
[that it is my firm belief << You already strongly agreed. This is 100% redundant] that personality traits are as important as someone's education and work history.
IMO that whole first paragraph is a bit of a waste. You added nothing of value... it would have been boiled down to "I've come across this before." The question asks: "What do you consider essential in an employee or colleague?" You haven't even started to answer this yet...[For one << don't need this, too conversational],
[I am a strong believer << you've used this language already, it's getting tiresome] that an ideal candidate for a position is based more on personality traits than anything else. The first and foremost thing I look for during an interview is the candidate's ability to work in teams.
[Think of soccer teams, for instance, the most successful teams are the one's that have the best team work, not necessarily the best players in the world but the best team work. << this whole sentence is riddled with grammar errors from "one's" to a run on...] Just like that, in a professional
[environmant << misspelling? Are you kidding me man? I'm stopping here, this essay has been torpedoed...],
And I had to stop. Because I could anticipate many more of the same types of things. You're injecting way too much conversational fluff into this. The whole first paragraph was nothing but filler man! The first sentence out of the gate needs to be something compelling, though provoking, insightful... if you wanted to work in the soccer analogy maybe START with that:
"In my experience I've found that hiring decisions in business share a striking amount of similarities with the decisions involved in drafting soccer players."
Right away I've covered the fact that you're experienced, I've set up the soccer analogy AND the reader is like "really? Tell me more."
Also, do. Not. Misspell. Words. Perfect grammar construct is not my strong point. I write like a writer does, not a Victorian English teacher. So my first sentence up there might be technically full of small errors. But if someone like me can pick out the comma overuse and apostrophe screw ups, then you're in trouble!
That is all for now, if you have specific questions, let me know!