Please assess my AWA essay.
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14 Aug 2015, 01:32
Hello everyone,
I have just a week left for my GMAT exam.Could you please help me with AWA essay.
I have pasted it below.What would be the rating you can give this essay.Suggestions to improve the essay would be helpful.
ESSAY QUESTION:
The following appeared in an article in a medical journal:
"The major increase in new cases of adult-onset diabetes during the past decade is the result of poor nutrition, which is itself the result of a lack of government control over the quality of foods available at low prices. If the government placed more emphasis on proper nutrition by requiring that food manufacturers include more vitamins and minerals in their products, the rate of adult-onset diabetes would be reduced significantly."
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.
Essay :
The argument that if government places more emphasis on proper nutrition,it will help to reduce the cases being reported for adult-onset diabetes omits other major reasons that are needed to substantiate the argument.It does not consider the various other factors that might be involved in it.Hence it does not provide enough proof or support for main argument.
Most conspicuously,the argument does not address all the reasons that could be contributing to the poor nutrition amongst people and hence fails to look at it from a overall perspective of judging it without any bias.First,the argument assumes that majority of the new cases of adult-onset diabetes are due to poor nutrition.But the cause of these rising cases may be due to a majority of other factors such as population increase,lack of proper health care system,climate change over the past decade,lifestyle and so on.Elaborating on these,increase in population will result in more cases,but it can't be attributed to any particular reason.Next lack of proper health care system will lead of aggravation of the problem.And also lifestyle plays a very crucial factor in such issues.Second,the argument ignores the fact that even if some cases are indeed due to poor nutrition,it cannot be entirely blamed upon the lack of government control over quality of foods available at low prices.It may be possible that even though government control is there,the people handling this market are going against the government without their knowledge in order to make more money by reducing the quality of food.Finally,it may be the case that there is no way that food with more vitamins and minerals can be sold at low prices.Hence the price of food would have to be increased and thus reducing the number of people who can afford to buy it.
Because the argument leaves out several key components,it is not sound or persuasive.If the above reasons were considered instead of just addressing one point,the argument would have been more thorough and convincing.
Thank you in advance.