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Pls rate my AWA, thanks...

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Joined: 15 Sep 2013
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Pls rate my AWA, thanks... [#permalink] New post 18 Sep 2013, 04:48
Due to the decline demand of the mining technology, all the related corporations are suffering from decline of profit and sales this year, including Blastcom Corporation. Blastcom Corporation is considering adopting one growth strategy: to shift some of the researchers from mining technology to the renewable energy technology, the demand for the renewable energy such as solar energy. Some of the prominent companies which market the renewable energy are successful in recent years. Therefore, it is guaranteed that company Blastcom will also be successful in the future by providing renewable energy
*********************

The argument above talks about that in order to guarantee the profit and sales of Blastcom Corporation, the managers of the corporation decide to consider adopting a new growth strategy, i.e., shift some of the researchers from mining technology to the renewable energy technology, such as solar energy. Several reasons have been mentioned to support the author’s idea, first of all, the demand for the renewable energy is huge in the past, in addition, some of companies in the renewable energy have achieved success in recent years. At first glance, the argument made by the author seems convincing, however, after a careful analysis, we can identify that the conclusion made by the author is unreliable, as it suffers several logical flaws.

Most importantly, the evidence cited by the author that the Blastcom Corporation could avoid suffering from decline of profit and sales and guarantee its success by providing renewable energy. In fact, providing renewable energy may not necessarily result in the increase in the profit and sales. There are, indeed, a lot of other factors can affect the profit and sales, for instance, if Blastcom Corporation decreases the price of its product, the profit and sales might be increased. Therefore, we need to investigate what are the real reasons induce these kinds of decline.

At the same time, in the argument, the situation of some prominent companies that achieved success by the renewable energy is simply applied to that of Blastcom Corporation. Obviously, there are lots of extinguishable differences between Blastcom Corporation and the other companies, for example, the experience of these companies in the renewable energy technology should be quite different, meanwhile, the researcher of Blastcom Corporation might not be familiar with the renewable energy.

Last but not least, the evidence of the increase in the profit and sales is based on the prominent companies, which happened in the last years. In reality, even we admit that the renewable energy could be helpful in the increase in the profit in the past years, due to the potential changes in the coming years, we cannot make the conclusion that in the coming years, this strategy could work. If the market of the renewable energy is full, then, I am curious about that this strategy will make Blastcom Corporation into a much worse situation.

In a nutshell, because the author fails to provide adequate justifications to support the idea that the company should provide renewable energy to make profit, the argument made by the author may not be persuasive as it stands. Actually, it is quite crucial to consider the items I have discussed above. And of course, if we want to make this argument more reliable, we still need some more information about the Blastcom Corporation itself and its competitors. Only with more convincing evidence could this argument more than just an emotional appeal.
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Re: Pls rate my AWA, thanks... [#permalink] New post 18 Sep 2013, 04:56
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JeremyW. wrote:
Due to the decline demand of the mining technology, all the related corporations are suffering from decline of profit and sales this year, including Blastcom Corporation. Blastcom Corporation is considering adopting one growth strategy: to shift some of the researchers from mining technology to the renewable energy technology, the demand for the renewable energy such as solar energy. Some of the prominent companies which market the renewable energy are successful in recent years. Therefore, it is guaranteed that company Blastcom will also be successful in the future by providing renewable energy
*********************

The argument above talks about that in order to guarantee the profit and sales of Blastcom Corporation, the managers of the corporation decide to consider adopting a new growth strategy, i.e., shift some of the researchers from mining technology to the renewable energy technology, such as solar energy. Several reasons have been mentioned to support the author’s idea, first of all, the demand for the renewable energy is huge in the past, in addition, some of companies in the renewable energy have achieved success in recent years. At first glance, the argument made by the author seems convincing, however, after a careful analysis, we can identify that the conclusion made by the author is unreliable, as it suffers several logical flaws.

Most importantly, the evidence cited by the author that the Blastcom Corporation could avoid suffering from decline of profit and sales and guarantee its success by providing renewable energy. In fact, providing renewable energy may not necessarily result in the increase in the profit and sales. There are, indeed, a lot of other factors can affect the profit and sales, for instance, if Blastcom Corporation decreases the price of its product, the profit and sales might be increased. Therefore, we need to investigate what are the real reasons induce these kinds of decline.

At the same time, in the argument, the situation of some prominent companies that achieved success by the renewable energy is simply applied to that of Blastcom Corporation. Obviously, there are lots of extinguishable differences between Blastcom Corporation and the other companies, for example, the experience of these companies in the renewable energy technology should be quite different, meanwhile, the researcher of Blastcom Corporation might not be familiar with the renewable energy.

Last but not least, the evidence of the increase in the profit and sales is based on the prominent companies, which happened in the last years. In reality, even we admit that the renewable energy could be helpful in the increase in the profit in the past years, due to the potential changes in the coming years, we cannot make the conclusion that in the coming years, this strategy could work. If the market of the renewable energy is full, then, I am curious about that this strategy will make Blastcom Corporation into a much worse situation.

In a nutshell, because the author fails to provide adequate justifications to support the idea that the company should provide renewable energy to make profit, the argument made by the author may not be persuasive as it stands. Actually, it is quite crucial to consider the items I have discussed above. And of course, if we want to make this argument more reliable, we still need some more information about the Blastcom Corporation itself and its competitors. Only with more convincing evidence could this argument more than just an emotional appeal.


I would rate it to 5.
Try to write more in 3rd person. That would give you some extra bonus.

Please press KUDOS if my post helped !!
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Re: Pls rate my AWA, thanks... [#permalink] New post 19 Sep 2013, 09:35
Expert's post
I would give this essay a 4.5 or a 5. Overall the structure and organization is good. You have good points about the assumptions and your analysis is sufficient for the task. However, slightly more analysis would increase your score and help the reader to understand your points fully.

The major problem with this essay is that it contains many grammatical and idiomatic errors. in your opening sentence you write: The argument above talks about that in order to guarantee the profit and sales of Blastcom Corporation, the managers of the corporation decide to consider adopting a new growth strategy, i.e., shift some of the researchers from mining technology to the renewable energy technology, such as solar energy.

the points made in this sentence are good but would be improved if you said something along the lines of "The argument above claims that in order to..." talks about that is an improper idiom and leaves the reader with a bad impression on your first sentence. Furthermore, this sentence is quite long which makes it difficult to understand the main point and opens you up to further grammatical errors.

It seems you understand the task at hand and could greatly improve your score by improving your use of idioms. Possibly creating a template for the introduction and conclusion would help to avoid these idiom issues.
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Re: Pls rate my AWA, thanks...   [#permalink] 19 Sep 2013, 09:35
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