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Could you please rate this augument analysis for me?

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MBAFinance
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Could you please rate this augument analysis for me? [#permalink] New post   28 Aug 2006, 15:27
The following appeared as part of an annual report sent to stockholders by Olympic Foods, a processor of frozen foods.
“Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better, they become more efficient. In color
film processing, for example, the cost of a 3-by-5-inch print fell from 50 cents for five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one-day service in
1984. The same principle applies to the processing of food. And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its twenty-fifth birthday, we can
expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits.â€
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CHEN
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[#permalink] New post   28 Aug 2006, 16:23
it is 6 lines longer than my essay and I just get my score report with
AWA 5.0. I want to rate 5.5 but unfortunately there is no option. :)
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cpetro29
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[#permalink] New post   28 Aug 2006, 18:38
Probably a 4.5 or 5.0. You shouldn't end the intro paragraph with a colon leading to the second paragraph. You should outline the argument more thoroughly, then you should quickly outline why it's flawed or simply state that it's flawed.
Your transitions are weak. First, second, etc.
You didn't use a counter-example, for which they asked.

Finally, have you read anything on the e-grader? This is what 'reads' your essay. Focus more on structure than grammar. Try to make solid transitions and make your paragraphs more equal. The first and the last were shorter than the middle sections. More summary at the end, longer intro paragraph.
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rhyme
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Re: Could you please rate this augument analysis for me? [#permalink] New post   28 Aug 2006, 19:47
[quote="MBAFinance"]The following appeared as part of an annual report sent to stockholders by Olympic Foods, a processor of frozen foods.
“Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better, they become more efficient. In color
film processing, for example, the cost of a 3-by-5-inch print fell from 50 cents for five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one-day service in
1984. The same principle applies to the processing of food. And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its twenty-fifth birthday, we can
expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits.â€
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MBAFinance
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[#permalink] New post   29 Aug 2006, 16:40
Thanks for all your inputs especially rhyme. Though English is not my native language, I was educated in USA. I have no excuse for all grammar errors. :oops: For my next essay, I will leave 5 minutes at the end to proof read it.
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