1) I rectify my issue, pls give some comments on this one and see whether it is better now?
(2) Do you have some advice to improve on AWA writting? Should I recite all the passages occured in GMAT tests? Following is my correct issue essay, pls give some comments, thank you!
The issue of government or any other group be able to censor television or radio programs is always a controversial one. On one hand, some people believe that government or some groups should be responsible for censoring tv or radio programs with justification that it would help to create a harmonious society, on the other hand, some refute such idea in favor of free speech and commercial value of tv or radio programs. However in final analysis, following are several examples that justify the opinion censorship by government is in fact the better approach.
One reason for my belief is that tv or radio program censorship is good for younger generations' mental development. Reports say that children spend twice as much time as adults on watching tv or listening to radio programs during their spare time. Without proper supervision on what programs children watch, children are more likely to go astray in certain way. For example, if children are too much exposed to violent tv programs, he or she will have higher probabilities of committing crimes or robbing a bank, etc.
Another reason for my belief is that obscene and offensive behavior is indeed harmful to society. Censorship on tv or radio programs could prevent such social chaos or disorder. For instances, shanghai currently rapped up its 2010 expo event which highlights city makes life better. People are trying to create a peaceful environment nowadays, therefore if too much side effect information or advertisement happen around us, you could probably imagine what kind of our lives will become, what kind of city will be like. The only consequence is that we will be inflicted from those tv or radio programs which generate offensive languages and obscene regardless of moral principles.
Thirdly, although the right of free speech is intrinsic to democracy and necessary to its own survival, the interests served by restricting obscenity in the broadcast media are, on balance, more important to the survival of a country. With rapid global economic growth, one nation with strong and good reputation of foreign affairs and quality of its citizen will get higher attention from other countries and easy to develop itself. Thanks to government or other groups censoring on tv or radio programs.
For all these reason, I therefore believe that government or any other groups should hold total obligation on television or radio programs based on above three statements. Censorship on tv or radio programs not only help us to create more harmonious city but also bring us spiritual wealth and rich social knowledge.
heregoesnothing wrote:
Good effort.
Please find my comments inline. Of course these are just my thoughts on what I found difficult to understand.
Hope it helps.
tracyyahoo wrote:
The issue of government or any other group be able to censor television or radio programs is a controversial one. On the one hand. Some people support that government and some groups should be responsible for censoring the tv and radio program because it could help to create a harmonious society, on the other hand, others refute such opinion, they think that freedom speech and commercial value of TV and radio programs are priority. However, in the final analysis, I believe that government or any other group should be responsible for censor tv or radio programs.
1. Minor - The period is not required for "On the one hand. Some...", it should be "On one hand, some..."
2. The second sentence is really long and difficult to follow through. Something simpler would have been better. e.g. "There are people on both sides of this debate. Some support government censoring the programming on TV and radio with the justification that it would help create a harmonious society whereas others refute the idea in favor of freedom of speech."
3. Minor - "However, in the final analysis..." makes it sound like you are reaching a conclusion right away. Personally, at this point I would suggest (not conclude) what you agree with and state the actual conclusion in the final passage. e.g. "However, there are several examples that justify the opinion that censorship by government is in fact the better approach."
tracyyahoo wrote:
One reason for my belief is that tv or radio programs censorship is good for young children. Some reports say that children spend twice as much time as adults on watching tv or listening radio programs. Without proper supervision on what programs young children watch, children are more likely go astray in some way. For example, if children watch too much violent tv program, he or she will become violent among others and become brutal and unreasonable which is bad for child’s development at early age.
1. Minor - There are some grammatical errors in the last sentence. e.g. "he or she will become violent among others" should probably be just "he or she will become violent"
tracyyahoo wrote:
Another reason for my belief is that censorship on tv or radio programs could prevent social turbulence. Every day we assimilate a lot of information that coming from tv or radio programs, if these information is distorted or perhaps lead some people to do bad things, for instance, committing a crime or robbing a bank, etc. Advertisement or information with such slight bad misleading behavior should be totally banned.
1. Minor - There several grammatical errors in this paragraph e.g. "information that coming from", "these information".
2. I think I understand the point you are trying to make but it is not clear. The second sentence is in desperate need of rewriting
tracyyahoo wrote:
Perhaps the best reason is that every country has its own way of conducting supervision on tv or radio programs. It is obvious that for some countries they tend to open violence or sexual invasion on some condition while some countries don’t, for the countries who are unlikely want their citizen to be so democratic, we need government or any other groups to regulate some of commercial conduct, because it is not commercial value is priority, it is exactly people social value or moral value matters most
1. I'm not really sure I get the point you are trying to make here.
tracyyahoo wrote:
For all these reasons, I therefore believe that government or any other group should censor television or radio programs based on three reasons I stated, besides censorship on tv or radio program not only help us city become more peaceful but also bring more important education or knowledge to people in the society.
1. You should split this paragraph in multiple sentences.