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Please rate my essay and provide feedback :)

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New post 03 Jan 2019, 18:12
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Prompt: The following appeared as part of a business plan recommended by the new manager of a musical rock group called Zapped:

"To succeed financially, Zapped needs greater name recognition. It should therefore diversify its commercial enterprises. The rock group Zonked plays the same type of music that Zapped plays, but it is much better than Zapped because, in addition to its concert tours and four albums, Zonked has a series of posters, a line of clothing and accessories, and a contract with a major advertising agency to endorse a number of different products"

Essay:

The new manager of the band Zapped proposed that the band gain greater name recognition by diversifying its commercial enterprises. This would help the band gain financial success. This recommendation was determined based on a faulty comparison to the better known band Zonked. The manager failed to provide convincing evidence that the band was better known or that its popularity was as a result of their commercial enterprises.

The manager’s proposal is based on one example of another band’s success, which the argument states is a much better known band than Zapped. The manager fails to provide any further details on how it was determined that Zonked was better known. Does Zonked have better music sales or do they sell more concert tickets? Was a survey performed of a specific age group? How many people constitute the band being “much better known”? These are questions that need to be answered prior to using Zonked as an example of a well-recognized band. If the band manager could provide specific information, such as a comparison of Zonked to Zapped music sales or concert ticket sales, this would help the reader determine whether Zonked is widely known.

Additionally, the argument assumes that all bands will be financially successful if they are well-known. There is no support to conclude that if a band has greater name recognition, they will succeed financially. Zonked has received a diverse portfolio of commercial enterprises but there is no evidence that this has caused Zonked to become financially successful. Does the clothing line sell to consumers or has it helped contribute to music sales? The argument fails to analyze how these diversified enterprises will help Zapped succeed financially. Zapped could open a clothing line – a venture they are not knowledgeable in – and it could cost them financially.

This argument was flawed and could be made stronger by providing specific details around the assumptions provided in the argument, including specific reasons being popular will result in financial success and how it was determined Zonked was better known.
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New post 04 Jan 2019, 03:03
Hey, the AWA is actually well written. :)
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New post 06 Jan 2019, 21:57
Overall score: 5-6

- Argument and analysis: Analyze the main fallacies - Zonked and Zapped can't be compared directly; name recognition doesn't necessarily cause financial success. You could potentially elaborate more on the vagueness in language (what does name recognition, financial success, "much better" mean)
- Organization and structure: Well organized with clear structure
- Support of main critique: Instead of asking hypothetical questions, you could explain your theories more definitively.
- Control of language: Well controlled.
- Facility with convention of standard written english: Great english. You could potentially use more complex sentences and syntactic variety.
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Please rate my essay and provide feedback :)   [#permalink] 06 Jan 2019, 21:57
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