Please provide feedback for my TOEFL Writing (30mins writing task)

Hi guys,

actually I am already quite comfortable with the TOEFL in general, although I did not spend really much time on it.
Because of that I wanted to use this possibility to share my last writing with you and ask you for any comment or feedback that comes into your mind.
I have to say I think the length is quite well - but I have to admit that some more minutes at the end would have been great to correct some sentences that are not so nice.
But for the sake of sharing my real result, I did not change anything after the 30 minutes were over.

Looking forward to your honest feedback.
Thanks a lot in advance!

BR,
Patrick



Question:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Watching television is bad for children. Use specific details and examples to support your answer.

Answer (around 480 words):
Nowadays many children watch a lot of television.
According to a recent study, the amount of time that especially very young people spend in front of their TV`s is increasing rapidly, which actually can be very bad for their development.
Because of this, I will present in the following essay some arguments that demonstrate the negative impact of watching television on children.

First, watching television is an activity that involves no physical movement at all. I remember that when I was in high school, I had a schoolmate that always watched a lot of TV. His name was David and he was living very close to the village in which I grew up. He was always the first who had seen the most recent movies and could sometimes even quote the actors, because he had seen those movies not only once but multiple times. Although many of the other children were impressed to some extent, he was not very popular within the class. This was mainly because he was very lazy and because this laziness had an effect on his physical state of health. In fact, he was quite fat and never did any sports. This was also a reason why many people laughed at him during the gym classes. Overall the lack of activity was causing that many people laughed at him when he for example played football with us in the breakes, because he was very bad at it.

Furthermore watching a lot of TV can also cause a lack of social connection for children. Exactly this was also true for my friend David and it was actually the reason, which was even worse for him personally. I know that he was sitting alone at home and watching TV at least 3 afternoons each week when all my other friends and also I were playing outside. So we were not only being active, but we were also chatting and discussing next to playing together and so this was actually a way of learning how to interact with other people. Many of my friendships started at this point in time. David was not as connected to the other class mates, because he was watching TV at the time when we were playing together. Even today he still is lacking good friendships and the effects of his big consumption of TV movies still has a noticeable impact on his daily life.

For these reasons, I think that watching TV is to some extent not harmful and probably something that to some extent is acceptable for every child . However as soon as parents notice that their children spent to much time in front of the TV, I think that they should encourage them to do some more activities outside with their friends in order to keep them physically in good shape and also to ensure they are socially connected.