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Please provide feedback for my TOEFL Writing (30mins writing task)

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Intern
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Joined: 27 Mar 2017
Posts: 3

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Location: Austria
Schools: ESADE '19 (A)
GMAT 1: 640 Q43 V35
GPA: 3.5
Please provide feedback for my TOEFL Writing (30mins writing task) [#permalink]

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New post 27 Mar 2017, 15:57
Hi guys,

actually I am already quite comfortable with the TOEFL in general, although I did not spend really much time on it.
Because of that I wanted to use this possibility to share my last writing with you and ask you for any comment or feedback that comes into your mind.
I have to say I think the length is quite well - but I have to admit that some more minutes at the end would have been great to correct some sentences that are not so nice.
But for the sake of sharing my real result, I did not change anything after the 30 minutes were over.

Looking forward to your honest feedback.
Thanks a lot in advance!

BR,
Patrick



Question:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Watching television is bad for children. Use specific details and examples to support your answer.

Answer (around 480 words):
Nowadays many children watch a lot of television.
According to a recent study, the amount of time that especially very young people spend in front of their TV`s is increasing rapidly, which actually can be very bad for their development.
Because of this, I will present in the following essay some arguments that demonstrate the negative impact of watching television on children.

First, watching television is an activity that involves no physical movement at all. I remember that when I was in high school, I had a schoolmate that always watched a lot of TV. His name was David and he was living very close to the village in which I grew up. He was always the first who had seen the most recent movies and could sometimes even quote the actors, because he had seen those movies not only once but multiple times. Although many of the other children were impressed to some extent, he was not very popular within the class. This was mainly because he was very lazy and because this laziness had an effect on his physical state of health. In fact, he was quite fat and never did any sports. This was also a reason why many people laughed at him during the gym classes. Overall the lack of activity was causing that many people laughed at him when he for example played football with us in the breakes, because he was very bad at it.

Furthermore watching a lot of TV can also cause a lack of social connection for children. Exactly this was also true for my friend David and it was actually the reason, which was even worse for him personally. I know that he was sitting alone at home and watching TV at least 3 afternoons each week when all my other friends and also I were playing outside. So we were not only being active, but we were also chatting and discussing next to playing together and so this was actually a way of learning how to interact with other people. Many of my friendships started at this point in time. David was not as connected to the other class mates, because he was watching TV at the time when we were playing together. Even today he still is lacking good friendships and the effects of his big consumption of TV movies still has a noticeable impact on his daily life.

For these reasons, I think that watching TV is to some extent not harmful and probably something that to some extent is acceptable for every child . However as soon as parents notice that their children spent to much time in front of the TV, I think that they should encourage them to do some more activities outside with their friends in order to keep them physically in good shape and also to ensure they are socially connected.

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Re: Please provide feedback for my TOEFL Writing (30mins writing task) [#permalink]

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New post 28 Mar 2017, 01:18
Seems really good to me, although I am not an expert at this so cannot estimate a grade. Good word count too.

I spotted a number of grammar errors, but guess you can also see them in hindsight.

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New post 05 Apr 2017, 02:57
it looks good to me. above 25 points

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Re: Please provide feedback for my TOEFL Writing (30mins writing task) [#permalink]

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New post 09 Apr 2017, 13:07
Looks good to me! Seems like you’re at a 4 or 5 level scoring-wise already. It’s a solid argument, well supported by evidence. There are a few minor grammatical and idiomatic issues, but I think they are few enough and minor enough that it shouldn’t affect your score much or at all. I’ll still mention a few minor stylistic things you could improve in case it’s helpful for the future.

I can’t tell if the pagination is just off because of the way copy-pasting it into the forum, but the first “paragraph” has some odd line breaks where they shouldn’t be there. I know this seems minor, but anything that makes your essay literally easy to read for your scorers will help. The sentence “Because of this, I will present in the following essay some arguments that….” is grammatically correct, but idiomatically, a little wordier than necessary. Again, especially for your intro paragraph, you want to get to your point as concisely as possible, considering how quickly the scorers read these essays and how many they have to read at once. I’d change that sentence to “In this essay, I will argue that watching too much television can have a negative effect on children.” You could even add “…a negative effect on children’s development both physically and socially,” to give more of an outline of what you’re going to say in the rest of the essay.

More minor grammatical points: “I had a schoolmate that…” should be “I had a schoolmate who…” That shouldn’t be used as a relative pronoun referring to people. “popular within the class” should be “popular with the class.” The tense in the last sentence in that paragraph is wrong. It should be “Overall, the lack of activity caused many people to laugh at him.”

Next paragraph: When you say “Exactly this was also true for my friend David and it was actually the reason, …” it is unclear what “reason” this refers to. I can tell from context that you mean “the reason that many people laughed at him.” But grammatically, it is incorrect/unclear. So you need to say “the (other) reason people laughed at him” Adding other would be better, because you gave one reason people laughed at him in the first paragraph. “We were also chatting and discussing next to playing together”… next to is slightly off idiomatically. Perhaps something like “we were also chatting while playing together” If you use the word discussing, you need to say what you were discussing with a direct object, so it’s better to leave it out if you don’t what to specify something specific you were discussing. “big consumption”… big feels like not quite the right adjective. perhaps “vast.”

Last paragraph: you don’t need to repeat the “to some extent” phrase for both clauses in the first sentence. Next sentence there’s a tense error and you use to instead of too. It should be “as soon as parents notice that their children spend too much time…”

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Joined: 27 Mar 2017
Posts: 3

Kudos [?]: 0 [0], given: 0

Location: Austria
Schools: ESADE '19 (A)
GMAT 1: 640 Q43 V35
GPA: 3.5
Re: Please provide feedback for my TOEFL Writing (30mins writing task) [#permalink]

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New post 27 Apr 2017, 03:02
Thanks to all for your responses!

Here how it went:
I took the TOEFL on the 1st of April 2017 and received my results 11 days later.
I scored at 114 (Reading: 28; Listening: 29; Speaking: 28; Writing: 29)
What was nice is that my word count was really high - on the open essay, i wrote around 630 words and still had enough time to proofread my essay twice.

For prep i watched a lot of youtube videos, did 2 full official practice tests, wrote a summary for myself and did one speaking and one writing task that was evaluated via Notefull.com.
All in all I have to say that a 100+ score is possible without much studying as long as you already have used English as a language for some time (e.g. i am working on an english speaking project for 3+ years now...). With good english knowledge, the required effort to master the TOEFL is only to get familiar with the type of questions and the expectations of the test maker how good answers should look like.

BR,
Patrick

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Re: Please provide feedback for my TOEFL Writing (30mins writing task)   [#permalink] 27 Apr 2017, 03:02
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