“When the Apogee Company had all its operations in one location, it w

Hi everyone. i just started studying for my gmat last week, so I am completely new to writing the AWA. I have a feeling this isn't very good, but since its my first time, i would love to get some feedback on my essay and what areas I could improve on. Also, tips would be lovely!


The following appeared in a memorandum from the business department of the Apogee Company. “When the Apogee Company had all its operations in one location, it was more profitable than it is today. Therefore, the Apogee Company should close down its field offices and conduct all its operations from a single location. Such centralization would improve profitability by cutting costs and helping the company maintain better supervision of all employees.”


Hanna’s Apogee essay: nearly 680 words

The argument that the Apogee Company (AC) fails to describe the reasoning for the current day profits of the company, and why they believe it was profitable in the past.
General: 680 words are too much for an AWA essay. The average is around 500 maximum. Then only there will be some time for manual proofreading.
Firstly, the lack of financial information makes it difficult to think that the reason the AC was doing better in the past was because all of its operations were in one location. Moreover, the use of the word “more profitable” is vague and, unless it is quantified, cannot be a credible statement. There may be many other factors that are leading to this lack of profitability that need to be explored. Lastly, the business model and offerings were not described, and thus the assumption that the lack of profits is based on the operations, and not based on the market or other factors, is questionable.

While having operations in one place could cut costs, it is essential to check how much of the company’s profits in the past were attributed to the operational costs and expenses. If this argument included the financial statements and information that depicts the operational expenses being a small proportion of the costs, compared to today’s financial statements that would show the opposite, it would be easier to conclude this.
However, due to the lack of this information, one may think that the reason for the difference in expenses may not be because of the location, but because of the increase in staffing and compensation, increase in equipment and other fixed and variable 1. expenses that comes with a company’s growth. Therefore, to move all the operations to one location may be detrimental to the company, as it will not be able to keep up with demands, since moving all the operations to one place would mean that jobs may need to be cut, and 2. their will be a lack of space for equipment required for operations. In addition, utilizing the word “more profitable” is ambiguous. Without financial statements, it is hard to conclude whether the profitability is due to revenue or expenses.
1. expenses that 'comes' is SV error. Make the verb as plural "come'
2. ‘Their’ should be ‘there’


It is crucial to discuss other factors that are leading to the lack of profitability, such as social, 2. economical, political, and technological. For instance, the lack of profitability may be because the company is not utilizing the correct technology that will make their operations more efficient. Thus, the Apogee Company should look into all the reasons why they may not be profiting, and ways that they can modernize their business in order to increase profits, instead of scaling down. By scaling down, they may be risking and sacrificing a huge part of the market, as they will be using 3. less resources that are from other markets, and marking their presence there. This includes getting to know the consumers and being able to gain insights from them.
2. economical should be ‘economic’
3. less resources should be fewer resources

Another flaw worth investigating is that the company’s business model is not explained within the argument. What does the company do? What kind of products or services does it offer? Undeniably, if the offering of the company in the past was in higher demand, the profits and revenue would reflect this. Therefore, the question remains whether the company is currently offering the same and if this offering is still desired by the market. If not, moving the company’s operations may not solve their problem, but rather, they need to come up with a more effective business model that will reflect today’s market.

Therefore, in order to strengthen their argument, the Apogee company needs to divulge into their current business model and explain that their business model takes the market demand into account and the only reason for the lack of profits is due to operating expenses, not because their offering is undesirable. In addition, they need to ensure that centralizing will not harm their market presence that they have grown and established in, and will not reduce their future opportunities in being part of new markets.

Thank you for your help!

Review and Rating

1.Construction – Ok

2.Length 680 words --- too long

3.Flow --- ok.

4. Proofreading – okay; Considering the length of the essay and the lack of many errors, it looks like software - proofread. If that is so, then please avoid it as in the hall one can only do manual proofing.

5. Paragraphing--- okay;

6. Opening; You have started a GMAT AWA essay with a fragment. This is a disaster. The argument that the AC fails to describe is a noun phrase and has no verb.
The correct sentence would be --- That the Apogee Company (AC) fails to describe the reasoning for the current day profits of the company, and why they believe it was profitable in the past is unsustainable in an argument. One must be careful in the beginning as well as at the end of an essay.
7. Closing --- ok but could be more striking or creative such as – I think the member is rather day-dreaming rather than wanting to face facts
Include some old sayings like proverbs or quotes. – Past history and performances are more an exception than a rule. ---an Indian saying

Content:

8. Rhetoric: Perhaps you could have given some data, study reports, anecdotes or examples. They are the hallmarks of a strong argument.

9. Grammar --- Though very few, they are basic too. That is a problem. Otherwise, it is ok.

10. Flow --- easy and smooth.

11. Style – fairly good

12. Rating – 4.5
With one or two good statistics, it could easily go up. But keep an eye on timing.

13. The final word --- Be patient and cool in the hall