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Intern
Joined: 17 Jul 2011
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17 Jul 2011, 13:02
Hi,
Could anyone in this thread provide me some inputs on my writing below :

AWA ESSAYS:

Analyze Issues ESSAY QUESTION:“Poor health and high stress levels diminish the productivity of today’s office workers. In order to maximize profits, companies need to provide white-collar employees with free exercise facilities and free wellness classes.”

In your opinion, how accurate is the view expressed above? Use reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading to develop your position.

YOUR RESPONSE: The statement that providing white-collar employees with free exercise facilities and free wellness classes will lead to better health and lower stress thus leading to an increase in productivity of workers is not a very reasoned comment.In the following paragraphs,I will clearly state the fallacies in the statement to highlight the flaws.
Firstly,poor health can result from a variety of factors.There needs to be a detailed analysis on an individual basis to find out the exact reasons behind the poor health of a particular person.Generally,it is seen that food habits and sleep play as important a role in maintaining good health as that of exercise.Exercise may not yield substantial benefits if the reasons for poor health are mapped to other factors.
Secondly,the statement assumes that if companies provide free exercise facilities,employees will use it.There is no reason to believe this as the choice to exercise is a personal choice.There could be a possible scenario wherein the poor health of employees are acting as a detarant for exercising.
Thirdly,high stress levels are directly related to the job profile.Employees may continue to experience high stress levels even after attending wellness classes.In order to manage stress,companies need to carry out a case by case analysis and decide whether wellness classes will be effective or not.
Finally,productivity of office workers depend on a variety of factors other than just poor health and high stress levels.Some of the other factors may include infrastructure,pay and work environment.There needs to be an improvement on all aspects in order for an organization to be more productive.

To conclude,I will state that merely providing free exercise facilities and free wellness classes will not result in better productivity of workers.Companies need to examine the broader picture for coming up with appropriate measures to increase productivity and thereby increasing their profits.

I am also providing my analysis of an argument below.Please review it...

AWA ESSAYS: Analyze ArgumentESSAY QUESTION:The following appeared in a strategy memorandum of an investment company:

“Over the past several years, investment in precious metals, such as gold and silver, has proven to be one of the most profitable investment strategies for our firm. Over the next decade, the demand for these metals is expected to be strong, largely driven by the economic growth of large emerging markets--China, India, and Russia. Thus, our investors are best served by increasing their exposure to precious metals to take advantage of this unique profit-making opportunity.”

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

YOUR RESPONSE: The argument states that investors are best served by increasing their exposure to precious metals because the trend over the past several years seems to be in favour of such investments.However,the argument fails to take into account some very important factors which I will highlight in the following paragraphs.

Firstly,investment on particular products should take into account not just the trend of past several years but also the probable geo-political and economic scenario in the coming decade.One should similarly also try to find out the reason behind the strong demand of the precious metals in the last few years.The results then need to be analyzed to find out whether the same factors will continue to push demand in the coming decade or not.

Secondly,to base an investment decision mainly on the demand created in three emerging nations is not a wise decision.An investment ideally should be able to overcome regional disturbances and give good returns even during tough times.

Thirdly,precious metals are a very wide category which includes a lot of materials other than gold and silver.The strategy does not clearly specify the exact metals on which the investments will be made in the coming decade.There is a probable chance that one particular metal will give higher returns than that of another precious metal.The memorandum fails to specify the metals on which the investments are going to give better returns.

Finally,a decade is generally considered to be too long a period for investment purpose.The memorandum fails to distinguish between short-term and long-term investors .It makes a generic statement without taking into account investor preferences.

All in all,the argument in the memorandum fails on multiple accounts.There needs to be more detailed analysis of the situation to arrive at the conclusion made in the argument.

Thanks
-A.......
Intern
Status: App Time
Joined: 30 Nov 2010
Posts: 40
Location: United States (PA)
Concentration: Entrepreneurship, Technology
GMAT 1: 710 Q48 V38
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22 Jul 2011, 12:41
Good effort!

For your issues essay, I like the points you make. My only suggestion would be include examples with each point. That would also resolve my second complaint with the essay, the length. I'd rate that between 3.5-4.5.

For your arguments essay, once again I like your points. I do think this essay is also on the short side though. You ideally want something close to 400 words. This is around 300. Also, this essay is written better than your issues essay and I'd easily rate this between 4 and 5.

One minor suggestion would be to avoid writing from the first person perspective, by that I mean avoid statements like "I will clearly state the fallacies..." or "I will highlight in the following paragraphs...". Taking from your text, consider something like "However, the argument fails to take into account some very important factors as highlighted in the following paragraphs.".

Overall, I think you've got the right idea when comes to content. Try to keep the length around 400 words and you are easily looking a score of 5-6.

Hope that helped.

Keep practicing!!
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