The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you.

Just a fun thread to point out what your (almost) ex-employer REALLY seemed to be looking for in your position. To demonstrate this, posts should be in the form of the "help wanted" they should have created for your position.
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Software Engineer

SmallCompany.com is currently seeking a talented and motivated Software Engineer to join our small development team. The Software Engineer will work directly with all areas of the business to understand their problems, issues, and concerns without actually taking meaningful action to solve them. They are also given the responsibility of implementing hard-coded and non-maintainable solutions in a number of languages and environments (hey, 1 is a number) that really don’t help strengthen or move the company forward at all. The successful candidate will be enthusiastic, self driven, willing to learn new technologies, and have a strong sense of ownership and responsibility. However we really aren’t looking for a successful candidate. Mostly we are looking for a “Yes man/Yes Woman” who will blindly implement hastily conceived plans without applying critical thought.

Essential Functions:
• Work closely with business groups to provide misleading updates that make them think we are actually making progress towards solutions to their problems
• Avoid at all costs pointing out errors in systems or processes as someone’s feelings may get hurt.
• Rapidly respond to business questions with a flurry of fluff-filled boilerplate rather than questions that will help come to an answer
• Put up with the indecipherable rambling and inability to form a point of view of the improbably obese vegan that is still a “junior engineer” despite being with the company for 6 years.
• Work over the weekend when marketing decides to make a trivial change at 5pm on a Friday and your manager hasn’t got the balls to tell them “no”
• Never under ANY circumstances point out the wasteful nature of the frequent planning/replanning/changing/pointless updates you are assigned

Qualifications:
• Ability to maintain a falsely friendly, “Mr. Rogers” “won’t you be my neighbor” style personality
• Bachelors degree in Computer Science or a third-grade reading level
• Strong communication skills; must be able to always agree that the manager is correct
• Ability to completely ignore your own excellent planning and time management skills
• Completely devoid of career ambition
• Have given up completely on your sad, sad shell of a life
• Easily Micromanaged
SmallCompany.com provides a superior compensation and benefit package: Compensation packages include a painfully small number of stock options, $0.10 cans of soda, and our comprehensive benefit program includes company-paid health insurance, short-term disability and life insurance. In addition to insurance benefits we also offer a 401(k) with comically low company match that vests over 4 years, and $60 a month added onto your paycheck that we call a “transportation allowance”.