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31 May 2021, 10:53
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Hey guys, Happy Memorial Day. I won't be at the lake today, but rather grinding at the GMAT. Could someone leave some feedback on my AWA essay? I don't really have anyone to take a look at it, so I was wondering if there are any "GMAT pros" that scored highly on the AWA section that could look over it for me. Some things I felt went wrong myself:
1) I feel like if I had a minute or two more, I could have written a stronger conclusion; so, in the future, I am going to work on leaving myself an extra minute or two for the conclusion.
2) I kept referring to "the author" in my writing instead of "the newspaper." This could have been avoided if I more carefully read the first sentence of the prompt. So I'm definitely going to take an extra 10 seconds to carefully read what I have been given.
3) Probably a lot of other things; for example, as I copy and paste my response here, Grammarly seems to be judging me quite a bit. This might be a reason for me to find an additional 2 minutes to proofread my essay when I am done, in order to make sure there are no obvious grammar or spelling mistakes (that I could quickly fix).
As a note, this was my first written essay before any AWA studying (which I don't plan to do much of anyways), so please be critical. As much feedback towards the beginning of my AWA studying could go a long way.
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The following appeared as part of an article in the business section of a local newspaper:
“Motorcycle X has been manufactured in the United States for more than 70 years. Although one foreign company has copied the motorcycle and is selling it for less, the company has failed to attract motorcycle X customers—some say because its product lacks the exceptionally loud noise made by motorcycle X. But there must be some other explanation. After all, foreign cars tend to be quieter than similar American-made cars, but they sell at least as well. Also, television advertisements for motorcycle X highlight its durability and sleek lines, not its noisiness, and the ads typically have voice-overs or rock music rather than engine-roar on the sound track.”
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counter examples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.
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The argument that is presented by the author lacks merit on various levels. The author makes the argument that there must be an explanation other than lack of noisiness which explains why the copied motorcycle X is not successful. The lack of merit falls in three main areas: the author is assuming that the main source of inspiration and desire for the motorcycle comes from television advertisements, the author assumes that the reason that foreign cars (which are not motorcycles nor a copy) are successful is because they are quieter, and because the author failed to make note of even more obvious reasons as to why the copied motorcycle had failed.
Firstly, because in television advertisements the loudness of a motorcycle is not apparent, does not mean that the customer does not know what the motorcycle sounds like. For example, maybe the typical motorcycle customer knows these motorcycles from car shows or from online videos. This would imply that the average customer would not be trained to study the image portrayed in the advertisement. This means that during car shows or while watching online videos, the loudness of the motorcycle is quite apparent; this would give the customer an expectation of what they want their motorcycle to sound like. If the customer goes to a show room to test drive the motorcycle and they are underwhelmed by the sound of a copied motorcycle, they are less likely to make the purchase, especially if they've come to appreciate its loudness.
Next, because foreign cars are quieter than similar American-made cars does not imply that foreign cars are more successful for that reason. It is possible that foreign cars are more success for other reasons, such as they are more fuel efficient or because they have higher safety ratings. This one-to-one mapping of an argument cannot exist because it implies that no other reason can be possible. If foreign cars were to be successful for reason outside of noise, the author's argument would lose merit. Also, in this part of the authors argument, we are discussing cars, while the main arguing part of the argument is about motorcycles. This leads to a non-homogeneous argument that lacks parallelism and consistency. This comparison to equivalent to comparing the absorbability of baby and elderly diapers.
Finally, there are even more apparent reasons as to why the copied motorcycle was not successful, which the author failed to even look at. For example, what if the copied motorcycle was unable to pass off as the real thing, either performance-wise or appearance-wise. This could much better explain the reason why the copied motorcycle was not successful.
In conclusion, the author clearly lacked much merit in terms of his argument, whether it was because of a fallacy in thought or if it was because he failed to mention the more plausible obvious. As a closing remark, the author could have made this argument stronger by providing more detailed and concrete examples.
1) I feel like if I had a minute or two more, I could have written a stronger conclusion; so, in the future, I am going to work on leaving myself an extra minute or two for the conclusion.
2) I kept referring to "the author" in my writing instead of "the newspaper." This could have been avoided if I more carefully read the first sentence of the prompt. So I'm definitely going to take an extra 10 seconds to carefully read what I have been given.
3) Probably a lot of other things; for example, as I copy and paste my response here, Grammarly seems to be judging me quite a bit. This might be a reason for me to find an additional 2 minutes to proofread my essay when I am done, in order to make sure there are no obvious grammar or spelling mistakes (that I could quickly fix).
As a note, this was my first written essay before any AWA studying (which I don't plan to do much of anyways), so please be critical. As much feedback towards the beginning of my AWA studying could go a long way.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following appeared as part of an article in the business section of a local newspaper:
“Motorcycle X has been manufactured in the United States for more than 70 years. Although one foreign company has copied the motorcycle and is selling it for less, the company has failed to attract motorcycle X customers—some say because its product lacks the exceptionally loud noise made by motorcycle X. But there must be some other explanation. After all, foreign cars tend to be quieter than similar American-made cars, but they sell at least as well. Also, television advertisements for motorcycle X highlight its durability and sleek lines, not its noisiness, and the ads typically have voice-overs or rock music rather than engine-roar on the sound track.”
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counter examples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The argument that is presented by the author lacks merit on various levels. The author makes the argument that there must be an explanation other than lack of noisiness which explains why the copied motorcycle X is not successful. The lack of merit falls in three main areas: the author is assuming that the main source of inspiration and desire for the motorcycle comes from television advertisements, the author assumes that the reason that foreign cars (which are not motorcycles nor a copy) are successful is because they are quieter, and because the author failed to make note of even more obvious reasons as to why the copied motorcycle had failed.
Firstly, because in television advertisements the loudness of a motorcycle is not apparent, does not mean that the customer does not know what the motorcycle sounds like. For example, maybe the typical motorcycle customer knows these motorcycles from car shows or from online videos. This would imply that the average customer would not be trained to study the image portrayed in the advertisement. This means that during car shows or while watching online videos, the loudness of the motorcycle is quite apparent; this would give the customer an expectation of what they want their motorcycle to sound like. If the customer goes to a show room to test drive the motorcycle and they are underwhelmed by the sound of a copied motorcycle, they are less likely to make the purchase, especially if they've come to appreciate its loudness.
Next, because foreign cars are quieter than similar American-made cars does not imply that foreign cars are more successful for that reason. It is possible that foreign cars are more success for other reasons, such as they are more fuel efficient or because they have higher safety ratings. This one-to-one mapping of an argument cannot exist because it implies that no other reason can be possible. If foreign cars were to be successful for reason outside of noise, the author's argument would lose merit. Also, in this part of the authors argument, we are discussing cars, while the main arguing part of the argument is about motorcycles. This leads to a non-homogeneous argument that lacks parallelism and consistency. This comparison to equivalent to comparing the absorbability of baby and elderly diapers.
Finally, there are even more apparent reasons as to why the copied motorcycle was not successful, which the author failed to even look at. For example, what if the copied motorcycle was unable to pass off as the real thing, either performance-wise or appearance-wise. This could much better explain the reason why the copied motorcycle was not successful.
In conclusion, the author clearly lacked much merit in terms of his argument, whether it was because of a fallacy in thought or if it was because he failed to mention the more plausible obvious. As a closing remark, the author could have made this argument stronger by providing more detailed and concrete examples.
31 May 2021, 20:21
Kudos
Bookmarks
Moving to the appropriate sub forum for AWA topics.
Posted from my mobile device
Posted from my mobile device
31 May 2021, 23:48
Kudos
Bookmarks
AWA Score: 5.5 out of 6!
I have used a GMATAWA auto-grader to evaluate your essay.
Coherence and connectivity: 5/5
This rating corresponds to the flow of idea and expression from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analysed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.
Paragraph structure and formation: 3.5/5
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs is evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.
Vocabulary and word expression: 4.5/5
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocaubulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word-usage. Simple is the best form of suave!
I have used a GMATAWA auto-grader to evaluate your essay.
Coherence and connectivity: 5/5
This rating corresponds to the flow of idea and expression from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analysed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.
Paragraph structure and formation: 3.5/5
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs is evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.
Vocabulary and word expression: 4.5/5
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocaubulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word-usage. Simple is the best form of suave!
Good Luck
hassan233
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