Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further t

Question

Hello Guys!
I would really appreciate if you can rate my AWA response. Just took the Veritas Mock CAT and I am reviewing this to get a sense of my current ability to do this section well.
My aim was to hit 400+ words (Done) and come up with a good counter example with some data points (Was not able to get this part all that well). 
Thanks a lot for your time.

Essay Prompt: 
The following appeared as part of an article reviewing summer camps for children.

Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further than Federville Farms. In a recent survey, Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities. Federville Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years, so you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your child's safety, and it employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. If you seek the best camp experience for your children, Federville Farms is the best choice you can make.

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

AWA Response: 
The argument presents an advertisement of the Summer camp at Federville Farms and invites parents to take advantage of a highly rated camp, in terms of satisfaction, food quality and variety of outdoor activities. It cites that the camp at Federville Farms is also necessarily safer because it is has been family owned and operated for over forty years. Additionally it provides some evidence about the farm employing more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. This piece of evidence is aimed to increase the perceived safety of the camp. The author concludes that the camp provides the safest and best summer camp experience in the state. The author however does not adequately explain the basis of this conclusion with substantial verifiable evidence.

Firstly, the author puts forward a hypothesis that because the farm is family owned and operated for over forty years, the child camper's safety is guaranteed. This is an illogical conclusion based on no concrete evidence to support it. There have been no conclusive data to say that family owned camps are safer than corporate owned camps. Furthermore, the author suggests that the presence of Red Cross certified lifeguards on camp grounds is a good indicator that the camp is a safe experience. This piece of evidence does more to damage the claim than support it. The need for having so many lifeguards on the camp grounds begs the question of camp safety in itself. Why would a camp need several lifeguards if there was no perceived threat to life? It indicates that the activities at the camp are risky and may involve the child to be rescued by a life guard. And therefore it may be incorrect to advertise such a camp as a "safe" one to parents without a full disclosure of all activities in greater detail.

The argument may benefit from providing substantial verifiable evidence that could enable parents to compare camp safety across the state. Such evidence might constitute the average number of accidents each year in all camps, safety procedures followed in the camp, typical response times to attend to minor injuries and the camp's proximity to emergency medical care if needed. The advertisement should also list all the activities in detail so parents can make an informed decision considering the program's appropriateness to their child's ability and interests. Further more, listing the ingredients in their food may also help parents of children with allergies make alternate arrangements for food or entirely forego a risky camp option for their child.

gmatkum · Answer

The author claims that to the parents of children who will be going for the summer camp to choose Federville Farms. The author points out certain points to back up the claim such as Federville Farms has been ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in variety of outdoor activities. However, the author fails to back up the claim with relevant facts.

First, the author points out that Federville Farms has been ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in variety of outdoor activities. In claiming the above point, the author fails to mention who conducted the survey? Was the survey conducted on an ample unbiased group? Was the survey conducted on a national level or was restricted to certain area? Which other summer camps participated in the survey. Without all these relevant details, the claim that is being made does not stand proper grounds.

Second, the author assumes that since the farm has been family owned and operated for over forty years, the parents have nothing to worry about when it comes to their child's safety. Again, the author fails to mention relevant facts such as the number of accidents in the recent years and their causes, without which its not reasonable to assume that the children can be safe.

Adding to the second point, the author claims that Federville Farms employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state, but fails to say why is this a relevant factor. Are there lot of lakes or pools which pose a hazard for the children?

Without answers to the points made above, one is left with the impression that the claims made above are written more to present FF in good content without the necessary evidence. The above argument can be strengthened if the author could have added certain additional facts such as:

a) The survey was conducted by a reliance organization such as a government agency and the survey participants indeed used the services. The sample size was good enough and the results are not biased.
b)The number of fatalities in the last few years were the lowest among all the summer camps in that area.
c)The certified lifeguards are at constant vigilance to avoid any tragedy.

LisaAnchalia · Answer

Please help me review my essay:

The author concludes that Federville Farms is the best choice for parents to send their children for camp experience. To support the argument, author states that Federville Farms ranked well in overall camper satisfaction, food quality and variety of outdoor activity. The author also states that the Farm ensure child safety because the farm has the highest number of Red Cross certified lifeguards in the state. However, author's argument is unpersuasive.

Firstly, the author assumes that the performance of the farm is based on limited factors, such as camper satisfaction, food quality and variety of outdoor activities. However, author fails to take into account other factors, which could be important for parents to evaluate the experience of the farm. For example, quality of outdoor activities, customer reviews and quality of staff and management .

Secondly, the author claims that Federville Farms is safe for children solely on the basis of total number of Red Cross certified lifeguard. However, it can be argued that factors such as the proportion of number of life guards to number of children and the safety of equipment used for outdoor activities are also important factors to evaluate the safety of farm.

In conclusion, the author's argument cold have been more convincing had he considered all the important factors, which could be relevant for parents to evaluate the overall farm experience and their child's safety. Consecutively, the author's argument is unpersuasive and distorted.

EdwardRuiz · Answer

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AndrewN · Answer

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kittle · Answer

Sajjad1994  - could you please grade my essay below?

The argument concludes that if parents want to have the best camp experience for their children, they should choose no one but Federville Farms. The arguments backs this conclusion/claim by the its achievements of certain rankings in specific measures such as camper satisfaction, food quality, outdoor activities, etc.

While it has certain merits, the argument stated in this way lacks concrete reasoning and showcases examples of leap of faith and ill-reasoning to completely airtight the argument presented. The argument is currently unconvincing and needs to omits certain gaps to substantiate the claims, thereby not distorting the reality.

Firstly, the argument readily assumes the yardsticks that the parents would deam most important while selecting a summer camp for their children. It goes on to assume that there would be no parameter other than the ones mentioned in the argument that would be taken into considerations by the parents while choosing a summer camp for their childeren. The arguments omit all possibilities or certain other factors that the parents or the children might deem most important such as cost of the summer camp, duration of the summer camp, proximity to their homes, the time required to pick up and drop their children at the summer camp, etc.

Secondly, the argument further distorts the definition of "best camp experience" which could differ from one child to another. What if the wide variety of activities offered by Federville Farms do not overlap with what most children or parents seek, thereby removing any possibility of "best camp experience"

Thirdly, the argument claims that the Federville Farms would provide the best child safety to children because of the presence of more number of Red Cross certified lifeguards. However, the argument would be compromised if the number of guards is not sufficient enough to ensure the safety of the total number of children that come to attend the summer camp. Whilst having more number of guards is cardinal, it is equally necessary to ensure that there exists an optimal distribution for these guards versus the children that come for summer camp. The argument does not present any evidence to make these claims convincing.

Therefore, the aforementioned gaps need to be addressed by the argument in order to bolster the claims it pertains to make.

Finally, the argument would be strengthened if there are enough evidences to prove that Federville Farms offer exactly what is deemed most important by parents thereby proving claims of best camp experience. The argument would strengthen more if Federville Farms shows enough reasons to prove that i will be able to continue its past track record.

Sajjad1994 · Answer

AWA Score: 5.5 out of 6!

I have used a GMATAWA auto-grader to evaluate your essay.

Coherence and connectivity: 5/5 
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.

Paragraph structure and formation: 3.5/5   
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.

Vocabulary and word expression: 5/5 
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!

Good Luck

kittle · Answer

Should I leave more lines blank for the autograder to judge paragraph? Please let me know. Thanks for evaluation.

Sajjad1994 · Answer

No! you don't need to leave blank lines instead make sure your one segment of talk or a particular subject matter should be enclosed in one paragraph, don't scatter the same idea into different paragraphs. Rest, below are the AWA guides we have in house https://gmatclub.com/forum/the-gmatclub ... 36251.html Another one in the below link https://gmatclub.com/forum/how-to-get-6 ... 64327.html Good luck

Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further t

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