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13 Mar 2019, 10:43
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Hi all,
Hoping to get some feedback on a sample AWA. Please let me know your thoughts/suggestions for improvement and proposed grading. Thank you!
Prompt (source - OG2016):
"The following appeared in the editorial section of the local newspaper:"
"This past winter, 200 students from Waymarsh State College traveled to the state capitol building to protest against proposed cuts in funding for various state college programs. The other 12,000 Waymarsh students evidently weren’t so concerned about their education: they either stayed on campus or left for winter break. Since the group who did not protest is far more numerous, it is more representative of the state’s college students than are the protesters. Therefore the state legislature need not heed the appeals of the protesting students.” Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.
While the argument that the state legislature does not need to pay attention to student protestors does have some merit, there are several serious flaws that serve to undermine the validity of the author’s conclusion. In particular, the author assumes that students who didn’t attend the protest were impartial to the budget cuts, and over-generalizes that the behavior of one college’s students represents all students at all colleges across the state.
While it is certainly true that a small fraction of Waymarsh State College’s students attended the protest, it is unfair to say that those students who did not attend do not care about the proposed budget cuts. Furthermore, it is even more extreme to claim that these students do not care about their education at all. There are various reasons students may not have attended the protest. It could be that the travel distance was too long for some students, others may have had work or other obligations, and still others who disagree with the proposal may not believe protesting in person to be an effective method of communicating disagreeance. Another reason (i.e. a break between semesters) was even mentioned by the author.
In addition, the article mentions that the budget cuts in question are to be applied to all colleges within the state. Even if all students at Waymarsh State did not agree with the proposed action, it does not necessarily follow that the general student population (and others who care about the state’s college system) feel similarly. As in the case of political voting in the United States, one particular state’s opinion on a matter does not reflect the position of the remaining states. For this purpose, to strengthen the argument, the author should to collect a more representative sample of sentiments on the subject. It is also important to note that even if the general population may disagree with the proposed budget cuts, that does not mean it is the incorrect action. For example, if the state is on the verge of financial crisis, it may have to reduce budgets out of necessity, regardless of the lack of support from affected college students.
While the argument offers some evidence to support the claim, the conclusion is severely weakened by various flaws. The assumption that any student who did not attend the protest was indifferent about the budget cuts is a vast overgeneralization. Moreover, the argument attempts to apply the supposed views of a small group as a representation of the views of the larger group. Overall, the argument is missing critical information in order to be substantiated.
Hoping to get some feedback on a sample AWA. Please let me know your thoughts/suggestions for improvement and proposed grading. Thank you!
Prompt (source - OG2016):
"The following appeared in the editorial section of the local newspaper:"
"This past winter, 200 students from Waymarsh State College traveled to the state capitol building to protest against proposed cuts in funding for various state college programs. The other 12,000 Waymarsh students evidently weren’t so concerned about their education: they either stayed on campus or left for winter break. Since the group who did not protest is far more numerous, it is more representative of the state’s college students than are the protesters. Therefore the state legislature need not heed the appeals of the protesting students.” Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.
While the argument that the state legislature does not need to pay attention to student protestors does have some merit, there are several serious flaws that serve to undermine the validity of the author’s conclusion. In particular, the author assumes that students who didn’t attend the protest were impartial to the budget cuts, and over-generalizes that the behavior of one college’s students represents all students at all colleges across the state.
While it is certainly true that a small fraction of Waymarsh State College’s students attended the protest, it is unfair to say that those students who did not attend do not care about the proposed budget cuts. Furthermore, it is even more extreme to claim that these students do not care about their education at all. There are various reasons students may not have attended the protest. It could be that the travel distance was too long for some students, others may have had work or other obligations, and still others who disagree with the proposal may not believe protesting in person to be an effective method of communicating disagreeance. Another reason (i.e. a break between semesters) was even mentioned by the author.
In addition, the article mentions that the budget cuts in question are to be applied to all colleges within the state. Even if all students at Waymarsh State did not agree with the proposed action, it does not necessarily follow that the general student population (and others who care about the state’s college system) feel similarly. As in the case of political voting in the United States, one particular state’s opinion on a matter does not reflect the position of the remaining states. For this purpose, to strengthen the argument, the author should to collect a more representative sample of sentiments on the subject. It is also important to note that even if the general population may disagree with the proposed budget cuts, that does not mean it is the incorrect action. For example, if the state is on the verge of financial crisis, it may have to reduce budgets out of necessity, regardless of the lack of support from affected college students.
While the argument offers some evidence to support the claim, the conclusion is severely weakened by various flaws. The assumption that any student who did not attend the protest was indifferent about the budget cuts is a vast overgeneralization. Moreover, the argument attempts to apply the supposed views of a small group as a representation of the views of the larger group. Overall, the argument is missing critical information in order to be substantiated.
13 Mar 2019, 14:18
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I would honestly say that the essay is very written. With such an essay, you can comfortably achieve a 5.5-6 on test day, to be honest. The entire essay hardly has any major grammar or style issue. However, I am slightly worried that you started 3 out of 4 paragraphs with subordinator 'While'. Anyhow, you should not worry about AWA anymore; you could just attempt one essay per day or on alternate days following up to your test day. All the best.
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