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07 Jul 2020, 12:34
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Hello,
This is my first AWA attempt. I would really appreciate if someone could review it and give me an approximate score and let me know how I can improve. Thank you!
The following appeared as part of an annual report sent to stockholders by Olympic Foods, a processor of frozen foods.
“Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better, they become more efficient. In color film processing, for example, the cost of a 3-by-5-inch print fell from 50 cents for five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one-day service in 1984. The same principle applies to the processing of food. And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its twenty-fifth birthday, we can expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits.”
ESSAY:
The report states that Olympic Foods can expect an increase in profits because as organizations learn how to do things better they become more efficient and the price of a product goes down. The author posits this same principle had applied to the color film processing industry, so it will also apply to the Olympic Foods. This argument is flawed for many reasons and the author lacks evidentiary support for his conclusion that Olympic Foods can successfully minimize costs and thus maximize profits.
The primary reason this argument is flawed is because the food processing industry is directly compared to the film processing industry. Although both industries are known for processing, there is no reason to believe that they are under similar circumstances or structures. The author also assumes the reason the cost of a print fell in the film processing industry is due to the industry being able to minimize costs and thus maximize profits. However, it is entirely possible that the film processing industry could not survive so it was pushed to lower costs to keep up with low demand. Additionally, the change in cost happened in only 14 years which is a short timespan for an organization to learn how to “do things better” and become efficient. Also, the film processing industry is an example that is considerably older which gives us another reason to doubt that the same conclusion can apply to an industry in 2020. The author’s conclusion is severely weakened by the lack of support for the success of the film processing industry.
The secondary reason the argument is unsubstantiated is because the author assumes the price of products should go down if an organization is doing “things better.” This claim can be false because the price decrease can be attributed to a decrease in the popularity of a product. Needless to say, if the film processing industry is falling, the price of film will also decrease significantly. The author also uses vague language and does not describe what exactly contributes to an organization doing better. There are many areas of an organization that can be improved such as the supply chain or the marketing aspect.
Although the author provides many unsupported assumptions and premises, there is potential to strengthen the argument. For example, it is possible that Olympic Foods is successfully lowering its’ costs to produce a product without compromising quality. In this case, the price decrease is beneficial for consumers and the company. In addition, the author could develop a plan on how Olympic Foods plans to minimize costs. Further research and clarification is needed for the argument to be even remotely convincing.
The author provides a weak argument built on many unsubstantiated assumptions and quick conclusions, but further research into and clarification of the points mentioned above can strengthen the author’s argument. Without taking time to find evidence to support the conclusion, the argument is likely to convince very few people.
This is my first AWA attempt. I would really appreciate if someone could review it and give me an approximate score and let me know how I can improve. Thank you!
The following appeared as part of an annual report sent to stockholders by Olympic Foods, a processor of frozen foods.
“Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better, they become more efficient. In color film processing, for example, the cost of a 3-by-5-inch print fell from 50 cents for five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one-day service in 1984. The same principle applies to the processing of food. And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its twenty-fifth birthday, we can expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits.”
ESSAY:
The report states that Olympic Foods can expect an increase in profits because as organizations learn how to do things better they become more efficient and the price of a product goes down. The author posits this same principle had applied to the color film processing industry, so it will also apply to the Olympic Foods. This argument is flawed for many reasons and the author lacks evidentiary support for his conclusion that Olympic Foods can successfully minimize costs and thus maximize profits.
The primary reason this argument is flawed is because the food processing industry is directly compared to the film processing industry. Although both industries are known for processing, there is no reason to believe that they are under similar circumstances or structures. The author also assumes the reason the cost of a print fell in the film processing industry is due to the industry being able to minimize costs and thus maximize profits. However, it is entirely possible that the film processing industry could not survive so it was pushed to lower costs to keep up with low demand. Additionally, the change in cost happened in only 14 years which is a short timespan for an organization to learn how to “do things better” and become efficient. Also, the film processing industry is an example that is considerably older which gives us another reason to doubt that the same conclusion can apply to an industry in 2020. The author’s conclusion is severely weakened by the lack of support for the success of the film processing industry.
The secondary reason the argument is unsubstantiated is because the author assumes the price of products should go down if an organization is doing “things better.” This claim can be false because the price decrease can be attributed to a decrease in the popularity of a product. Needless to say, if the film processing industry is falling, the price of film will also decrease significantly. The author also uses vague language and does not describe what exactly contributes to an organization doing better. There are many areas of an organization that can be improved such as the supply chain or the marketing aspect.
Although the author provides many unsupported assumptions and premises, there is potential to strengthen the argument. For example, it is possible that Olympic Foods is successfully lowering its’ costs to produce a product without compromising quality. In this case, the price decrease is beneficial for consumers and the company. In addition, the author could develop a plan on how Olympic Foods plans to minimize costs. Further research and clarification is needed for the argument to be even remotely convincing.
The author provides a weak argument built on many unsubstantiated assumptions and quick conclusions, but further research into and clarification of the points mentioned above can strengthen the author’s argument. Without taking time to find evidence to support the conclusion, the argument is likely to convince very few people.
10 Jul 2020, 23:28
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Review:
General Comments
The essay follows the template pattern; while it looks like to have been edited by the Word Software, It has to be seen, how the essay would have been, if it had written in a note pad. One does not get the luxury of software correction in the exam hall.
Construction: okay but stereotyped.
Length: 490 words adequate
Contents:
Spelling and grammar: okay as mentioned earlier.
Transitions used: adequate
Rhetorics: Could use some reports and anecdotes to prove your arguments
Start and end: could be more exciting.
Rating 5.5/6
General Comments
The essay follows the template pattern; while it looks like to have been edited by the Word Software, It has to be seen, how the essay would have been, if it had written in a note pad. One does not get the luxury of software correction in the exam hall.
Construction: okay but stereotyped.
Length: 490 words adequate
Contents:
Spelling and grammar: okay as mentioned earlier.
Transitions used: adequate
Rhetorics: Could use some reports and anecdotes to prove your arguments
Start and end: could be more exciting.
Rating 5.5/6
11 Jul 2020, 10:11
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Thank you for your feedback daagh. I will keep these in mind. I actually did turn of grammar and spellcheck while writing this essay. Would you be willing to review and give me feedback on a second essay I just posted. I would really appreciate it. Again, thank you!
