Last year, the city contracted with Flower Power to plant a variety of

Question

Hello everybody!

Could you suggest ways to improve the "Supports ideas" and "Organizes a coherent idea" categories?

I wrote the essay on the official AWA GMAT Write and the scoring was as follows (I can't attach files on GMAT Club yet):
 Total score : 6
 Analyzes the issue : 6
 Support ideas : 5
 Organizes a coherent idea : 5
 Language control : 6

Of course, general suggestions are appreciated as well!

I followed the test's instructions and wrote the essay in 30 minutes.

This is the prompt: 
The following editorial appeared in the South Fork Gazette:
 “Last year, the city contracted with Flower Power to plant a variety of flowers in big decorative pots on Main Street and to water them each week. By midsummer many of the plants were wilted. This year the city should either contract for two waterings a week or save money by planting artificial flowers in the pots. According to Flower Power, the initial cost for artificial flowers would be twice as much as for real plants, but after two years, we would save money. Public reaction certainly supports this position: in a recent survey, over 1,200 Gazette readers said that the city wastes money and should find ways to reduce spending.”

Here is my essay: 
The author puts forth his thesis by argumenting that, since the flowers that were planted on Main Street were wilted by midsummer, the city should reflect upon ways not to have this happen again. The writer suggests that the city either contracts for the flower to get watered twice a week or plants artificial flowers, and then points out to the fact that, in the long term, the artificial flowers would prove more cost-efficient and concludes by saying that the latter option is the one the public supports as it is in accordance with the idea that the city should save money.

While the author comes to a reasonable conclusion and suggests steps that may actually work, the argument presents a variety of flaws that the author does not address, thus leaving his ideas to a few criticisms. First of all, what if it was not the watering that made the flowers wilted? In fact, perhaps the flowers were not the right ones for that particular city's climate and/or for the summer climate. Moreover, when the author suggests that the city would decrease spending by putting artificial flowers instead of real ones, he doesn't consider the scenario in which the city's economy might be boosted by tourists visiting to see the decorative flowers. Finally, the author cites a survey that has been recently put out whose results indicate that over 1,200 Gazette readers think that the city should find ways to reduce spending. But, what if these readers do not actually represent the entire city population as only a small percentage of this reads the South Fork Gazette?

The first assumption that the author makes in his argument is that the death of the flowers was due to the watering not being frequent enough. Because of this, he suggests that the city should increase the watering. However, the watering in itself might not be the reason why the flowers were wilted. In fact, one valid reason why might be that those particular flowers that the city planted either do not thrive during the summer or suffer in a city environment because of pollution and other factors. One way, the author could address this assumption is by confirming that the flowers chosen were right and if only they were watered more, then they would have grown.

Second, in the editorial it is written that the city could also decrease spending and avoid the flowers wilting by putting artificial ones instead. That said, the author does not seem to consider that the city might actually benefit from planting real beautiful flowers because they attract tourists from neighbouring cities who come to admire the colourful street. Perhaps, the author could address this second flaw by pointing out that the flowers were only planted along a small part of the street and, thus, were not likely to attract many tourists. If this was address, then the option of putting artificial flowers instead might be considered more attentively.

Third, it seems to be assumed that the 1,200 Gazette readers represent the opinion of every person living in the city, while this might not be true and might just be a wrong representation of the city's population and opinions. For instance, what if the city has a population of 1,000,000 people and only 1,200 of those read the Gazette? Could those 1,200 people be representative of the entire population? Clearly not. In order to address this issue, the writer could show that the city has a very small population, let's say of 1,500 people, and basically almost everyone read the Gazette; consequently, the opinion of the Gazette readers would be representative of the opinion of the entire population. On the contrary, if the city's population, as pointed out earlier, were to be way bigger, then those people might think that the flowers are not a waste of money but instead make the city prettier and the government should actually focus on other ways to decrease spending.

In conclusion, while, as said, the author comes to a rational conclusion by saying that the city should try to save money by putting artificial flowers, this conclusion is open to a variety of flaws that have been expanded upon during this whole essay. If the author were to address the adaptability of the flowers to the city's climate, whether the city wouldn't actually lose tourists by planting artificial ones, and whether the Gazette readers' opinion is representative of the entire city's population, the argument would be more sound and less prone to criticisms.

Thanks in advance,
Matteo

Sajjad1994 · Answer

AWA Score: 5.5 out of 6

Coherence and connectivity: 5.5/6
The essay demonstrates good coherence and connectivity. The ideas are organized logically, and the essay flows well from one point to the next. Transitions between paragraphs are generally effective, providing a smooth and coherent reading experience.

Word structure: 5/6
The essay employs a diverse range of vocabulary and generally uses words appropriately. However, there are a few instances of awkward or less precise word choices that could be improved for greater clarity and precision.

Paragraph structure and formation: 5.5/6
The essay's paragraphs are generally well-structured, with clear topic sentences and supporting details. However, some paragraphs could benefit from stronger topic sentences to guide the reader and clarify the main point of each section.

Language and Grammar: 5.5/6
The essay exhibits strong language and grammar skills, with only a few minor issues. There are occasional issues with subject-verb agreement and sentence structure that, while not distracting, could be further polished for greater clarity.

Vocabulary and word expression: 5/6
The essay's vocabulary and word expression are generally effective, but there is room for improvement in terms of word choice and precision. Some sentences could be enhanced with more precise and nuanced vocabulary.

Overall, this essay presents a well-reasoned analysis of the argument, addressing the assumptions and offering alternative perspectives. With some minor refinements in word choice and sentence structure, the essay could achieve an even higher score.

Last year, the city contracted with Flower Power to plant a variety of

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