Argument Essay Evaluation (Help!)
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04 Aug 2014, 12:37
This was my third attempt writing an argument prompt. There are a couple typos, awkward phrasing, and I ran out of time for a conclusion. I estimate my score to be around a 3.0/3.5 but that could very well be delusional! I'd greatly appreciate any constructive comments.
The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
The argument generalizes the distinction between local and regional/national. The statistics and figures presented serve to further muddle that binary which, in terms of this proposal, is a significant relation to address.
The developers emphasize that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe by stating that 100,000 people attended the jazz festival located in Monroe. However, while that is a significant volume of attendees, it's unclear as to whether the patrons were from Monroe or even regions close to Monroe. The way the information is currently presented suggests that the people attending contribute to the city’s intrinsic appreciation of jazz but it could just as well be the case that the festival is well-known throughout the country and a significant portion of the attendees were from vastly different areas. If this is the case, using this as supporting evidence for the success of the C-Note in the local market could be counterproductive.
Along the same line of reasoning, utilizing the results of a nationwide study as evidence of Monroe’s inclination toward jazz music is unsound. The “typical jazz fan” may or may not include the types of jazz fans in Monroe. The jazz fans included in the study may also be from different socio-economic classes who can afford to devote both a larger portion of their budget and their time to jazz related entertainment. Unfortunately, this might not hold true for the people of Monroe. It’s possible that the majority of Monroe residents cannot invest the same amount of energy into pursuing their interests in jazz which could greatly effect the success of the C-Note.
This could also account for the nearest jazz club’s distance from Monroe. In addition to the financial restrictions of the people of Monroe, the population of Monroe might not be large enough to support an enterprise like the C-Note. While the club could have the localized market to itself, the size of that market might not be as large as anticipated. The club 65 miles away might be located in a larger metropolis for that reason.
I'd greatly appreciate any constructive comments!
Thank you,
Sammi