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11 Oct 2015, 08:29
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Hi everyone! I'm practicing my writing skills for the GMAT AWA section. Please feel free to correct my mistakes (spelling, grammar, etc.), comment on how I did and how I can improve my essay to get a high score in this section. Thank you very much! This is my very first try:
"Since a competing lower-priced newspaper, The Bugle, was started five years ago, The Mercury's circulation has declined by 10,000 readers. The best way to get more people to read The Mercury is to reduce its price below that of The Bugle, at least until circulation increases to former levels. The increased circulation of The Mercury will attract more businesses to buy advertising space in the paper."
My response:
The argument claims that a weekly newspaper, The Mercury, lost their 10,000 readers ever since another newspaper company, The Bugle, lowered its prices. The solution of The Mercury in order to increase their level of circulation is to lower their prices and once the circulation increased, they strongly believe that it will attract businesses to buy advertising space in their newspaper. Stated in this way the argument fails to mention several key factors, on the basis of which it could be evaluated. Therefore, the argument relies on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence. Hence, the argument is unconvincing and has several flaws.
First, the argument readily assumes that once The Mercury lowers its price they will instantly gain back their readers and achieve an increase in their level of circulation. This statement is a stretch and not substantiated in any way. There are numerous factors that could be considered before jumping to a final conclusion. For example, perhaps one of the reasons why The Bugle has more readers than The Mercury is because they provide more informative and factual contents for the readers. After all, readers buy newspaper not just because of its lower price but most especially because of the important news and features that they could gain from it. The argument could have been much clearer if it explicitly stated the preference of the readers in buying newspapers.
Second, the argument claims that once The Mercury’s circulation increased it will attract more businesses to buy an advertising space in its paper. This is again a weak and unsupported claim as the argument does not demonstrate any correlation between the businessmen and the increase in circulation of the newspaper. For instance, there are several ways to advertise a business. There are TV commercials, radio advertisement, billboards, events, etc. that could reach a wider variety of audience than that of The Mercury. If the argument had provided evidence that businesses prefer The Mercury for putting their advertisements instead of any other then the argument would have been a lot more convincing.
Finally, is reducing the price the only best way to get more people read The Mercury? Clearly, we should consider that perhaps The Bugle gained the readers trust and loyalty over the years that resulted to The Mercury’s decline in readers. Moreover, the author failed to discuss the basis on the assumption that businesses will invest money on The Mercury considering that it increase in circulation. Without convincing answers to these questions, one is left with the impression that the claim is more of a wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence.
Because the argument leaves out several key factors, it is not at all persuasive. If it included answers to the concerns discussed above, the argument would have been more convincing.
Thank you!
KW
"Since a competing lower-priced newspaper, The Bugle, was started five years ago, The Mercury's circulation has declined by 10,000 readers. The best way to get more people to read The Mercury is to reduce its price below that of The Bugle, at least until circulation increases to former levels. The increased circulation of The Mercury will attract more businesses to buy advertising space in the paper."
My response:
The argument claims that a weekly newspaper, The Mercury, lost their 10,000 readers ever since another newspaper company, The Bugle, lowered its prices. The solution of The Mercury in order to increase their level of circulation is to lower their prices and once the circulation increased, they strongly believe that it will attract businesses to buy advertising space in their newspaper. Stated in this way the argument fails to mention several key factors, on the basis of which it could be evaluated. Therefore, the argument relies on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence. Hence, the argument is unconvincing and has several flaws.
First, the argument readily assumes that once The Mercury lowers its price they will instantly gain back their readers and achieve an increase in their level of circulation. This statement is a stretch and not substantiated in any way. There are numerous factors that could be considered before jumping to a final conclusion. For example, perhaps one of the reasons why The Bugle has more readers than The Mercury is because they provide more informative and factual contents for the readers. After all, readers buy newspaper not just because of its lower price but most especially because of the important news and features that they could gain from it. The argument could have been much clearer if it explicitly stated the preference of the readers in buying newspapers.
Second, the argument claims that once The Mercury’s circulation increased it will attract more businesses to buy an advertising space in its paper. This is again a weak and unsupported claim as the argument does not demonstrate any correlation between the businessmen and the increase in circulation of the newspaper. For instance, there are several ways to advertise a business. There are TV commercials, radio advertisement, billboards, events, etc. that could reach a wider variety of audience than that of The Mercury. If the argument had provided evidence that businesses prefer The Mercury for putting their advertisements instead of any other then the argument would have been a lot more convincing.
Finally, is reducing the price the only best way to get more people read The Mercury? Clearly, we should consider that perhaps The Bugle gained the readers trust and loyalty over the years that resulted to The Mercury’s decline in readers. Moreover, the author failed to discuss the basis on the assumption that businesses will invest money on The Mercury considering that it increase in circulation. Without convincing answers to these questions, one is left with the impression that the claim is more of a wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence.
Because the argument leaves out several key factors, it is not at all persuasive. If it included answers to the concerns discussed above, the argument would have been more convincing.
Thank you!
KW
11 Oct 2015, 09:21
Kudos
Bookmarks
Hi kimywittmer,
first, let me say I'm not an expert, since I am also preparing for the test myself -temptative test date is November 26-.
Your essay is clear and well structured and you provide many examples. I think overall it would be a 5.0.
Here are a few remarks that I'd make:
1) Be careful of idiomatic expressions: you use "resulted to", where the preferred expression is "resulted on"
2) Try to avoid coloquial expressions such as "a lot more convincing". Try instead "much more convincing" or "considerably more convincing"
3) This is not a correction, but an open question to you and/or any others who might come accross this thread:
you say
"After all, readers buy newspaper not just because of its lower price but most especially because of the important news and features that they could gain from it.",
which I believed is a subjective statement, based on your opinion. Are such personal opinions expected/accepted on the AWA or should they be avoided?
I hope I've been helpful, please give me kudos if you thought so! I'll appreciate it
Cheers, and best luck on your preparation!
first, let me say I'm not an expert, since I am also preparing for the test myself -temptative test date is November 26-.
Your essay is clear and well structured and you provide many examples. I think overall it would be a 5.0.
Here are a few remarks that I'd make:
1) Be careful of idiomatic expressions: you use "resulted to", where the preferred expression is "resulted on"
2) Try to avoid coloquial expressions such as "a lot more convincing". Try instead "much more convincing" or "considerably more convincing"
3) This is not a correction, but an open question to you and/or any others who might come accross this thread:
you say
"After all, readers buy newspaper not just because of its lower price but most especially because of the important news and features that they could gain from it.",
which I believed is a subjective statement, based on your opinion. Are such personal opinions expected/accepted on the AWA or should they be avoided?
I hope I've been helpful, please give me kudos if you thought so! I'll appreciate it
Cheers, and best luck on your preparation!
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