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06 Feb 2015, 09:08
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Only few days left to my actual exam day. So I will be glad if you can review my essay.
Thanks a lot!
-----------------
The following paragraph recently appeared in an editorial printed in the opinion section of a local newspaper:
The recent surge in violence in the southern part of the city is a result of a shortage of police officers and an absence of leadership on the part of the city council. In order to rectify the burgeoning growth of crime that threatens the community, the city council must address this issue seriously. Instead of spending time on peripheral issues such as education quality, community vitality, and job opportunity, the city council must realize that the crime issue is serious and double the police force, even if this action requires budget cuts from other city programs.
The increase of the crime rates in the southern part of the particular city is attributed to a limitation in the number of policemen and lack of leadership on the part of the city council. Therefore, the author suggests that the amount of police officers must be doubled and that a larger part of budget must be allocated to security despite of a cut in peripheral issues. However, these straightforward suggestions seem to be not capable of solving the problem, since they are based on obviously weak assumptions.
Firstly, claiming that the doubled policemen crew will positively make affect on the crime rates in the city is unable to contact the real roots of the problem, due to the fact that it neglects all the other socialogical dimensions of the problem. This suggestion undefendably assumes the possibility of superficial prevention without the application of a multidimensional strategy. Moreover, 'doubling the size' of police force is based on no kind of verification. The author could converge to a persuation if related data regarding the frequency of crime that varies on the size of police force was given.
Moreover, it is claimed that it must unquestionably be dared to a tremendous budget cut on issues such as education quality, community vitality and job opportunity. This assertion does unacceptably not consider the leading factors that underlies the the actual reason of increasing crime rate. Such approach definitely have risks of converting the current situation to even a worse one, as some of these variables, that are to be associated to a financial cut, are actually likely to be main required focuses in the specific case. THe author needs to rely its suggestion on concrete scientific researches and articles to sentence on such a financial shrink.
In summary, the argument of the author is undeniably open to be undermined. Including such assertions and line of reasoning, the author is not capable of creating a strong base for fighting against such multidimensional and crucial problem.
Thanks a lot!
-----------------
The following paragraph recently appeared in an editorial printed in the opinion section of a local newspaper:
The recent surge in violence in the southern part of the city is a result of a shortage of police officers and an absence of leadership on the part of the city council. In order to rectify the burgeoning growth of crime that threatens the community, the city council must address this issue seriously. Instead of spending time on peripheral issues such as education quality, community vitality, and job opportunity, the city council must realize that the crime issue is serious and double the police force, even if this action requires budget cuts from other city programs.
The increase of the crime rates in the southern part of the particular city is attributed to a limitation in the number of policemen and lack of leadership on the part of the city council. Therefore, the author suggests that the amount of police officers must be doubled and that a larger part of budget must be allocated to security despite of a cut in peripheral issues. However, these straightforward suggestions seem to be not capable of solving the problem, since they are based on obviously weak assumptions.
Firstly, claiming that the doubled policemen crew will positively make affect on the crime rates in the city is unable to contact the real roots of the problem, due to the fact that it neglects all the other socialogical dimensions of the problem. This suggestion undefendably assumes the possibility of superficial prevention without the application of a multidimensional strategy. Moreover, 'doubling the size' of police force is based on no kind of verification. The author could converge to a persuation if related data regarding the frequency of crime that varies on the size of police force was given.
Moreover, it is claimed that it must unquestionably be dared to a tremendous budget cut on issues such as education quality, community vitality and job opportunity. This assertion does unacceptably not consider the leading factors that underlies the the actual reason of increasing crime rate. Such approach definitely have risks of converting the current situation to even a worse one, as some of these variables, that are to be associated to a financial cut, are actually likely to be main required focuses in the specific case. THe author needs to rely its suggestion on concrete scientific researches and articles to sentence on such a financial shrink.
In summary, the argument of the author is undeniably open to be undermined. Including such assertions and line of reasoning, the author is not capable of creating a strong base for fighting against such multidimensional and crucial problem.
Cartman4179
Joined: 19 Jan 2015
Last visit: 12 Feb 2016
Posts: 56
Own Kudos:
Location: United States
Concentration: Nonprofit, Strategy
Schools: Booth '17 (A) Haas '17 (A) Yale '17 (D) HBS '17 (M) Kellogg '17 (A) Stanford '17 (D) Tuck '17 (A) Sloan '17 (D) Wharton '17 (D)
GMAT 1: 770 Q49 V46
GPA: 3.96
WE:Consulting (Non-Profit and Government)
Products:
Schools: Booth '17 (A) Haas '17 (A) Yale '17 (D) HBS '17 (M) Kellogg '17 (A) Stanford '17 (D) Tuck '17 (A) Sloan '17 (D) Wharton '17 (D)
GMAT 1: 770 Q49 V46
Posts: 56
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06 Feb 2015, 18:45
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I'd say that you are on the right track. From my reading it seems like you are most likely not a native english speaker, as I noticed a few idiomatic issues, but I don't think that's anything that is going to be an easy fix in just a couple days. I think that, for the most part though, you've touched on a few of the main issues, namely the fact that the argument is a really superficial view of the problem, and doesn't look at addressing the underlying causes for the problem.
My personal opinion, however, is that you would be well served to find some common ground or understanding with the argument that is layed out. In this case, I think that there is an argument to be made that, if crime is going crazy, you do need extra police to help in the immediate future. This doesn't solve the long-term problem, but you still need to do something short term. I like the fact that you point out that "doubling" the police force is just an arbitrary number. Why not triple it, quadruple it, etc? So I like that you hit on that item. I think that showing that you are capable of seeing more of where the other side is coming from in the argument will help add to your essay, however.
For instance, if it was me, I would have said something like "I understand where the author is coming from, but I feel he/she is overlooking a few major considerations. While I understand the need for increasing the police force in the short-term, it is perhaps more important to look at the underlying causes for crime in the community"
That way you acknowledge the other side and their point of view, showing you are capable of analyzing both sides of an issue, and then you pivot to your true argument.
That's just my advice though, and may be totally off base. Hopefully that at least helps a little bit.
My personal opinion, however, is that you would be well served to find some common ground or understanding with the argument that is layed out. In this case, I think that there is an argument to be made that, if crime is going crazy, you do need extra police to help in the immediate future. This doesn't solve the long-term problem, but you still need to do something short term. I like the fact that you point out that "doubling" the police force is just an arbitrary number. Why not triple it, quadruple it, etc? So I like that you hit on that item. I think that showing that you are capable of seeing more of where the other side is coming from in the argument will help add to your essay, however.
For instance, if it was me, I would have said something like "I understand where the author is coming from, but I feel he/she is overlooking a few major considerations. While I understand the need for increasing the police force in the short-term, it is perhaps more important to look at the underlying causes for crime in the community"
That way you acknowledge the other side and their point of view, showing you are capable of analyzing both sides of an issue, and then you pivot to your true argument.
That's just my advice though, and may be totally off base. Hopefully that at least helps a little bit.
j2insead
Joined: 12 Jun 2012
Last visit: 09 Jan 2017
Posts: 34
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Given Kudos: 7
Concentration: Entrepreneurship, General Management
Schools: INSEAD Jan '16 (M$)
GPA: 3.48
WE:General Management (Consumer Packaged Goods)
06 Feb 2015, 21:05
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olacin
I saw the attached template somewhere on this forum uploaded by chineseburned. Use it as a guide and be sure of a 6!
PS: I saw this an hour before my test, and tried it. Ended up with a 5. Most gmatclub users have testified to scoring a 6 using same.
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