AWA Score: 5 - 5.5 out of 6
Coherence and Connectivity: 5.5/6
The essay demonstrates a high level of coherence and connectivity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the proposal and presents logical arguments against the assumptions made. The transitions between paragraphs are smooth and contribute to the overall flow of the essay.
Word Structure: 5/6
The word structure in the essay is generally well-formed, with clear and concise sentences. There are a few instances where sentence structures could be slightly improved for better clarity and emphasis, but overall, the essay effectively conveys the points being made.
Paragraph Structure and Formation: 5.5/6
The essay has well-organized paragraphs, each addressing a particular flaw in the proposal's logic. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting evidence or reasoning. One improvement could be adding more specific examples to further strengthen the arguments.
Language and Grammar: 5/6
The language and grammar used in the essay are strong, with only minor errors or awkward phrasings. The essay effectively communicates the author's thoughts and critiques, but a few sentences could be rephrased for better clarity and impact.
Vocabulary and Word Expression: 5.5/6
The vocabulary and word expression used in the essay are appropriate and generally effective. The author uses a good range of vocabulary to articulate their points and demonstrate critical thinking. Slight improvements could be made by incorporating more varied and nuanced vocabulary.
Overall, the essay effectively critiques the proposal's logic and identifies its underlying assumptions. It highlights several key flaws in the argument and correctly points out the lack of evidence to support the proposal's claims. To strengthen the essay further, the author could include specific data or research supporting their counterarguments and propose potential solutions or alternative approaches to make the argument more logically sound.
shikhachaturvedi wrote:
Essay Question:
The following appeared in a proposal for a high school's annual fundraising event:
"In order to earn the most money for supplemental school programs, we will have larger and more thrilling rides at this year's School Fair, including a ferris wheel that is twice as tall as last year's ferris wheel. In addition, the game vendors will award more expensive prizes and the food stalls will showcase a variety of upscale international dishes. As a result, we will be able to charge a higher entrance fee and the dollar amount we earn via our commission on the vendors' revenues will be higher than it was last year."
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.
My Response:
In an attempt to earn the most money for the supplemental school programs, the author proposes ways to increase its revenue at this year's school fair. The author states that larger and more thrilling rides, more expensive awards and a variety of upscale international dishes will allow the school to charge a higher entrance fee and earn a greater amount from commission on the vendors revenues than last year. The author makes various assumptions which we have no information about in order to evaluate the proposal.
Firstly, the author assumes that the students attending the fair will be attracted to larger and more thrilling rides. It is possible that the target students of the fair are children up to grade IV, who are scared of such rides. If this is the case, they may avoid these rides, hence decreasing the revenue earned by the vendors.
Secondly, we do not know if the students will be willing to pay the increased entrance fee. It is possible that students only attend the fair because the fee charged is nominal. We do not know to what extent is the fee expected to increase nor the fee thresholds of the students. Increasing the fee may in turn decrease the footfall of the School Fair. We cannot evaluate if the revenue will increase or decrease. If the footfall decreases, the revenue earned by the vendors will also be lower, hence lower commission.
Lastly, what if the vendors do not have the right motivation to make such upgrades? Needless to say, the upgrades would bear a certain additional cost. The benefits have to outweigh these additional costs. We have no information on the expected revenue increase for the vendors and if the revenue increase actually increases their overall profits to motivate them to make such upgrades.
The argument is seriously flawed since it makes several assumptions. Additional information is required as per the points raised above to evaluate this argument.