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# Input on AWA greatly appreciated!

Author Message
Intern
Joined: 19 Oct 2017
Posts: 3
Input on AWA greatly appreciated!  [#permalink]

### Show Tags

17 Sep 2018, 09:33
"In general, people are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses. Walk into Heart's Delight, a store that started selling organic fruits and vegetables and whole-grain flours in the 1960's, and you will also find a wide selection of cheeses made with high butterfat content. Next door, the owners of the Good Earth Cafe, an old vegetarian restaurant, are still making a modest living, but the owners of the new House of Beef across the street are millionaires."

My essay:

The argument claims that people's concerns in regulating their consumption of red meat and fatty cheeses have decreased because of the economic success of neighbouring stores. The author jumps to a conclusion based on several faulty assumptions. Therefore, the argument is flawed and unconvincing.

First, the argument makes a broad claim on all people based off a small sample in a neighbourhood. Assuming that all the mentioned data is accurate, it still only reflects the eating habits of the people that go to these stores. Perhaps, these customers are the outliers and hence, the author is wrong to claim all people are not as concerned about regulating their intake. That being said, this is still a bold assumption to make. For example, there is no information on the shopping behaviour of these customers at other locations. It would be more informative if the author provided statistics on the overall grocery purchases and food consumption behaviours of households. Instead, the argument is now incorrectly correlating the trends of certain stores as a cause for behaviour.

Secondly, the author attributes the economic success of these businesses and the product selection as an indicator of people regulating their intake in red meat and fatty cheeses. This is an incorrect assumption since there could be many other factors that determine the income of the store owners. For example, perhaps the owners of Good Earth Cafe have been receiving many more customers but on average they charge much less per meal than do the owners at House of Beef. Additionally, the argument implies that Walk into the Heart's Delight did not offer the wide selection of high butterfat content cheeses a decade ago. Nonetheless, even if they did not, it is incorrect to assume that the selection a store offers indicates people's health concerns. The owners of the grocery store could be trying out a new product and thus have only displayed these high butterfat content cheeses for a short while. Or, the owners could be catering to a niche market but on average, most of their customers still purchase organic fruits and vegetables. Therefore, there are many other factors that the author fails to consider before making his or her conclusion.

Finally, there is the concern that the data provided is not accurate. Even if the owners of House of Beef are millionaires, there is no reason to believe that their wealth came from the success of their restaurant. The owners could have been millionaires beforehand and thus, this weakens the author's claim that people are increasing their intake of red meat. Similarly, the modest living of the owners of Good Earth Café is not an accurate indicator of people's concern for food intake. If the author provided data on today's sales compared to sales a decade ago, this would provide a clearer picture of people's eating habits. However, without this comparison, it is false to claim eating habits and concerns based on the well-being of owners.

In conclusion, the argument is flawed as above-mentioned and is therefore unconvincing. It could be strengthened if the author provided the mentioned facts such as a clearer sample, accurate data and fair comparisons. In order to assess the merits of a certain claim, it is essential to have full knowledge of all the facts.
Director
Joined: 14 Dec 2017
Posts: 524
Location: India
Re: Input on AWA greatly appreciated!  [#permalink]

### Show Tags

18 Sep 2018, 07:00
1
Nice coincidence!! I wrote the essay for this argument today while taking the GMAT Paper test.

Your essay looks good, although i am no expert to critique your essay.

I like the points you raise in the second & third paragraph. They are pretty solid & you weave the argument for them with good logic. However, I also think you can flesh out the opening paragraph a bit more, the chineseburned template has a couple of opening sentences, which you can add. I like to use verbatim as much as possible the chineseburned template & then add my own analysis to the structure. Same with the concluding paragraph, it is a bit on the lighter side. There is no harm in making the essay a lil more bulkier at the beginning & at the end.

All the best!!

Cheers,
GyM

P.S. - You can tag some of the Verbal experts on the forum to review your essay
_________________
Intern
Joined: 19 Oct 2017
Posts: 3
Re: Input on AWA greatly appreciated!  [#permalink]

### Show Tags

18 Sep 2018, 13:38
GyMrAT wrote:
Nice coincidence!! I wrote the essay for this argument today while taking the GMAT Paper test.

Your essay looks good, although i am no expert to critique your essay.

I like the points you raise in the second & third paragraph. They are pretty solid & you weave the argument for them with good logic. However, I also think you can flesh out the opening paragraph a bit more, the chineseburned template has a couple of opening sentences, which you can add. I like to use verbatim as much as possible the chineseburned template & then add my own analysis to the structure. Same with the concluding paragraph, it is a bit on the lighter side. There is no harm in making the essay a lil more bulkier at the beginning & at the end.

All the best!!

Cheers,
GyM

P.S. - You can tag some of the Verbal experts on the forum to review your essay

Thank you! Appreciate your input and I'll make sure to better flush out the opening and conclusion!

Tagging verbal experts for feedback: GMATNinja, mikemcgarry, egmat, MagooshExpert
Magoosh GMAT Instructor
Joined: 30 Oct 2017
Posts: 201
Re: Input on AWA greatly appreciated!  [#permalink]

### Show Tags

22 Sep 2018, 15:10
karen101 wrote:
Thank you! Appreciate your input and I'll make sure to better flush out the opening and conclusion!

Tagging verbal experts for feedback: GMATNinja, mikemcgarry, egmat, MagooshExpert

Hi karen101,

Overall, great essay! I think your second body paragraph especially has some great points, but isn't necessarily as organized and cohesive as it could be. You make at least two or three different points that I think could each be developed further into a separate paragraph. I would say that your third body paragraph is the weakest -- your argument will generally be stronger if you don't question the validity of the information presented. It's relatively "easy" to just question the factual correctness of the information in the argument, which doesn't necessarily show off your critical reasoning skills. So if you were to rewrite this essay, I would suggest eliminating the third body paragraph and instead splitting up the second body paragraph and exploring those points a bit more.

I hope that helps!
-Carolyn
_________________
Re: Input on AWA greatly appreciated! &nbs [#permalink] 22 Sep 2018, 15:10
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