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# Need Help With Essays

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Intern
Joined: 20 Aug 2018
Posts: 9

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07 Oct 2018, 08:33
Hi All,
I am a little stuck as to how to better my essay. Would love any feedback that I can get in regards to it! I have included essays and prompts. Any type of constructive feedback is welcomed.
Thank you!
Prompt 1:
“To reverse the deterioration of the postal service, the government should raise the price of postage stamps. This solution will no doubt prove effective, since the price increase will generate larger revenues and will also reduce the volume of mail, thereby eliminating the strain on the existing system and contributing to improved morale.”
Essay
The argument presented by the opinion section of the national newspaper claims that the deterioration of the postal service can be eliminated by raising the prices of postage stamps based on the fact that an increase in revenue and reduction in volume will lead to the reversal of deterioration. As such, the argument manipulates information which it uses as evidence to put forwards a distorted view of the situation. It further seems that the argument uses unstated assumptions, which lack clear evidence, and poor reasoning to bolster it's claim. The argument also ignores certain key facts which could be used to better evaluate its claim. Thus, the argument is weak, unconvincing and flawed.
Firstly, the author states that the government should raise the price of the postage stamps which will result in an increase in revenue. The author assumes that the increased price will be sufficient. However, the author fails to put forth any data related to the present price of postage stamps, number of people using the postal service, increase in the raised price. Without this, one cannot discern the strength of the assumption.
Secondly, the author draws a causal relationship between increased price of postage stamps and reduced volume of mail, and thus assumes that reduction in the volume of mail will be positive and will eliminate the strain on the existing system. However, the author does not explicitly state that the strain on postal service has led to, at least in part, the deterioration of postal office. Furthermore, the author fails to acknowledge that reduction in the volume of mail could have a reverse effect on what is desired; it could lead to loss of revenue which could further worsen the deterioration of the postal service.
Lastly the author states that increase in revenue and reduction in mail could lead to an improved morale but fails to show how one could lead to the other. The author, does not draw a convincing connection between the two . Furthermore, at no place in the argument has author explicitly stated if there is a need to improve morale. For the author to state a positive impact on the morale in his conclusion seems rather vague and unconvincing.
The argument could have been strengthened had the author mentioned explicitly the reasons for the deterioration of postal service which could have included less revenue, strain on the existing system or reduction in the morale. Furthermore, the author could have quantified the argument by providing numbers on various aspects of its assumptions to better evaluate its claim.
In conclusion, the author fails to put forward a convincing line of reasoning for us to agree with its claim. This claim could have been better strengthened had the author explicitly stated all the argument's underlying assumptions. Also, multiple factors need to be evaluated before a firm consensus can be reached.

Prompt 2:
The following appeared in an advertising brochure carried by ChromeChannel Communication salespeople:

Pay-per-click web advertising is the best investment an advertiser can make. In the eighteen months since MacDowell's halved its television advertising and doubled its web advertising, its sales have grown by nearly 30% and it has opened forty more stores to keep up with demand. This is just one example of the fact that television advertising is on its way out, and smart businesses will continue to up their investment in pay-per-click ads.

The argument presented by the ChromeChannel Communication sales people claim that Television advertising is on its way out and this is based on the case study of MacDowell. As such, the argument manipulates information which it consequently uses as evidence to put forth a distorted view of the situation. The argument further uses unstated assumptions, for which there is no evidence, and poor reasoning to bolster its claim. It also misses out on certain key facts which it could have used to strengthen its claim. Hence the argument appears weak, unconvincing and flawed.

Essay:
Firstly, the argument presents the case of MacDowell whose sales grew after cutting down its television advertising and doubling its web advertising. However, there is no information in regards to the sector that MacDowell belonged to or its target audience. Without this information, we cannot know if the case study needs to be applied to a particular sector or is open to all sectors of the economy.
Secondly, the argument states that MacDowell's sales grew by 30% and this is due to it cutting down on television advertising and doubling web advertisement. However, nowhere in the argument does it explicitly state that these were the only two forms of advertising that MacDowell had invested in. Without knowing more facts regarding the number of mediums used by MacDowell to advertise, it would be incorrect for us to assume the success of web advertisement.
Thirdly, the argument states that because of the success of web advertisement, there was an increase in demand and this led to opening up of more stores. However, the salespeople seem to ignore the possibility that there might have been a steady increase in the demand before it's web advertising or that MacDowell could have planned on opening the store before the success of web advertising. Due to this, the causal relationship established by the sales people seems flawed.
In summary, the argument fails to put forth a convincing line of reasoning. It could have been better evaluated had the author explicitly stated the claim's underlying assumptions. Also, several facts need to be evaluated before a firm consensus can be reached. Without it, the argument is unsubstantiated and open to debate.

Prompt 3:
The following appeared as part of an annual report sent to stockholders by Olympus Stores, a chain of retail stores for electronic goods:
“The clamour of threat for the physical stores posed by the online retailers has been consistently increasing. Intelligentsia has indulged in hasty laudation of the online model and bashing of the physical model in today’s internet driven world. These proponents may not be aware that 70% of the country’s top 100 online retail companies had negative profits in the last quarter and 80% of the companies have foreign funding which is often risky, unreliable. Further, the main reason why consumers prefer online retailers is the high discount offered often coming at the cost of the investors’ money. How long can this continue? Olympus, a traditional retailer, must certainly believe that the physical stores are there to stay and must focus on opening more stores rather than worry about tapping the online retailing ways.”
Essay:
The argument presented by the Olympus Stores claims that Olympus should open more stores than venture online. This is based on statistical data in regards to profits and investments of online retailers. As such, the argument manipulates information which it consequently uses as evidence to put forth a distorted view of the situation. Furthermore, the argument uses unstated assumptions that have no clear evidence, and poor reasoning to bolster its claims. The argument also ignores several key facts which it could have used to strengthen its claim. Therefore, the argument is weak, unconvincing and flawed.
First, the writer states that the 70% of the country's top 100 online retail companies had negative profits in the last quarter. He uses this as a piece of evidence to suggest that online stores are not doing as well as Intelligentsia suggests. However, he fails to consider that the negative profits of one quarter may not be indicative of the overall performance of online retails stores.
Second, the writer states that 80% of the online retail companies have foreign funding. He then states that this type of funding is risky. However, the writer fails to explicitly state why such type of funding is risky. Furthermore, he takes a leap of faith suggesting in the argument that foreign funding, risky and unreliable, will eventually lead to unfavourable circumstances, yet he fails to provide any information in regard to this.
Third, the writer states that Olympus must focus on opening more stores than tapping the online retail market. However, he does not provide any data in regard to where Olympus is in terms of profit. So one cannot gauge the validity of this statement with the information provided.
The argument could have been strengthened had the writer given statistical data in regard to how Olympus is faring in the retail market and compared this to its previous years in order to show a growth in sales. The writer could have also given the holisitc view of the retail market with data in regard to profits or losses across all quarters. The writer could have also explicitly stated that the negative profits of the quarter werent influenced by any outside factors that could have affected online and physical stores.
In summary, the writer fails to put forward a convincing line of reasoning for us to agree with its conclusion. It's claim could have been better strengthened had the writer explicitly stated some of the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition to this, several facts need to be evaluated before a firm consensus can be reached. Without the evaluation, the argument is unsubstantiated and open to debate.
Director
Joined: 30 Jan 2016
Posts: 932
Location: United States (MA)
Re: Need Help With Essays  [#permalink]

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09 Oct 2018, 07:35
Hi neetakarnik,

You need this post for the perfect score:
Guide to Perfect 6.0 AWA GMAT Score

Hope this helps!
_________________

Non progredi est regredi

Director
Joined: 11 Feb 2015
Posts: 721
Re: Need Help With Essays  [#permalink]

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09 Oct 2018, 08:12
Just in case if you are not aware there is an official product available on mba.com:-

GMAT Write® - https://www.mba.com/exam-prep/gmat-write

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Manager
Joined: 15 Feb 2018
Posts: 246
Re: Need Help With Essays  [#permalink]

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13 Oct 2018, 17:32
1
neetakarnik
Your first essay begins with a 49 word sentence. I can't comment on GMAC algorithms, but I find it hard to continue reading after that one sentence.

------

Firstly, the argument presents the case of MacDowell, whose sales grew after cutting down its television advertising and doubling its web advertising. However, there is no information regarding the sector that MacDowell belonged to or its target audience. Without this information, we cannot know if the case study needs to be applied to a particular sector or is open to all sectors of the economy. Maybe stating the 30% makes more sense with this paragraph. Might have different growth in different sectors.

Secondly, the argument states that MacDowell's sales grew by 30% and this is due to it cutting down on television advertising and doubling web advertisement. However, nowhere in the argument does it explicitly state that these were the only two forms of advertising that MacDowell had invested in. Without knowing more facts regarding the number of mediums used by MacDowell to advertise, it would be incorrect for us to assume the success of web advertisement. Seems good

Thirdly, the argument states that because of the success of web advertisement, there was an increase in demand and this led to opening up of more stores. However, the salespeople seem to ignore the possibility that there might have been a steady increase in the demand before its web advertising or that MacDowell could have planned on opening the store before the success of web advertising. Due to this, the causal relationship established by the sales people seems flawed.

In summary, the argument fails to put forth a convincing line of reasoning. It could have been better evaluated had the author explicitly stated the claim's underlying assumptions. Also, several facts need to be evaluated before a firm consensus can be reached. Without it, the argument is unsubstantiated and open to debate.

--------
The argument presented by the Olympus Stores claims that Olympus should open more stores than venture online. This reads like 'venture online' is a competitor. Rather than. This is based on statistical data in regards to profits and investments of online retailers. As such, the argument manipulates information which it consequently uses as evidence to put forth a distorted view of the situation. Furthermore, the argument uses unstated assumptions that have no clear evidence, and poor reasoning to bolster its claims. The argument also ignores several key facts which it could have used to strengthen its claim. Therefore, the argument is weak, unconvincing and flawed.

First, the writer states that the (no need for 'the') 70% of the country's top 100 online retail companies had negative profits in the last quarter. He uses this as a piece of (no need for 'piece of evidence') evidence to suggest that online stores are not doing as well as Intelligentsia suggests. However, he fails to consider that the negative profits of one quarter may not be indicative of the overall performance of online retails stores.
Second, the writer states that 80% of the online retail companies have foreign funding. He then states that this type of funding is risky. However, the writer fails to explicitly state why such type of funding is risky. Furthermore, he takes a leap of faith suggesting in the argument that foreign funding, risky and unreliable, will eventually lead to unfavourable circumstances, yet he fails to provide any information in regard to this.
Third, the writer states that Olympus must focus on opening more stores than tapping the online retail market. However, he does not provide any data in regard to where Olympus is in terms of profit. So one cannot gauge the validity of this statement with the information provided.
The argument could have been strengthened had the writer given statistical data in regard to how Olympus is faring in the retail market and compared this to its previous years in order to show a growth in sales. The writer could have also given the holisitc view of the retail market with data in regard to profits or losses across all quarters. The writer could have also explicitly stated that the negative profits of the quarter werent influenced by any outside factors that could have affected online and physical stores.
In summary, the writer fails to put forward a convincing line of reasoning for us to agree with its conclusion. It's claim could have been better strengthened had the writer explicitly stated some of the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition to this, several facts need to be evaluated before a firm consensus can be reached. Without the evaluation, the argument is unsubstantiated and open to debate.

-------
•In general, be careful of typos. I recall reading that they are looked on unfavourably.
•its and it's
•contractions don't look good in formal writing, but I'm unsure of GMACs view
Intern
Joined: 20 Aug 2018
Posts: 9
Re: Need Help With Essays  [#permalink]

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17 Oct 2018, 11:55
Hi philipssonicare,
Thank you for taking out your time and reading my essay. I shall keep in mind your suggestions.
Regards,
Neeta.
Re: Need Help With Essays   [#permalink] 17 Oct 2018, 11:55
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