pleonasm
rhyme
Here's how I'd approach it.
* Using too much jargon, particularly engineer and IT candidates. No one cares that you moved from java to .NET, nor do most people have a clue what that means anyway. Nor does anyone care that you convinced the dev team to go from .NET 1.1 to .NET 2.0. Etc.
* Similarly, avoid using internal acroynms, even if you define them. Two reasons. First, it makes for choppy reading ("I worked on the LAFRJD 2.0 project from ..."). Second, odds are, even if you know what it means, and even if you define it, its still rather meaningless to the person on the other end.
* Not understanding that there's a difference between what achievements you might care about and what achievements other people might care about. If a story just doesn't seem to work well on paper - or if other people can't seem to get the point of your story, consider the possibility that it's not the best story to tell, even if its something important to you.
Gotta jet.
Tremendously valuable tips for folks in the software industry. Actually many people in the business world will not even know what programming languages are in vogue. May be someone at MIT will but not everywhere. So if you use terms such as 'Hibernate", "J2EE" .. it may not fly well. This is the hardest part of writing essays for software engineers, because quite frankly, for must of us, J2EE is our world.
And that brings up a second point about IT - its difficult to convey the meaning of a technical project or task in non-technical terms.
For instance, lets say you were some UNIX build manager responsible for whatever it is build managers do, which, although I've never met one, I would guess involves gathering substantial code, having it pass through some automated tests, and then attempting to create a stable testing build that can be pushed to some test environment. Lets say that in the course of your job, you designed some way to make these builds faster, or more accurate or in some way shape or form improved them. Odds are that involved some kind of modified unit testing or something like that. That kind of stuff might make sense to an IT, but it might not to non-IT. Even if it *does* make sense, it may not be clear what impact you had.
A "traditional" attempt at conveying your leadership skills might go something like this: "Having identified a bottleneck in our build process, I approached the testing lead and suggested we change the unit test procedures for the program. After carefully documenting her concerns, I was able to demonstrate that not only would my suggestion improve our build times but also reduce application error."
What I'd suggest is that you attempt to dis-aggregate the technical from the project and focus on the downstream or upstream impacts -- ideally as far removed from the technical organization as possible, and value your work in business terms.
For example, lets say the above project had to do with an online loan application system that processes a number of loans per day. You are working on rolling out a new version of the software that will add the ability to get some new kind of loan, lets say a car loan.
Starting at the very bottom of the pyramid, what have you done by improving build quality and time? Work your way up the pyramid of stakeholders until you get to something tangible and meaningful. The idea is to find the one or two key "big picture" things that you've achieved.
So for example in the above example:
You've probably reduced late night hours for your co-workers managing the builds.
From there, the next most immediate impact is that you've probably reduced cycle time for testers.
Taking it a step further, you've probably simplified the life of some developers and perhaps made modules easier to unit test.
You've probably reduced some amount of rework and project delays.
You may have, within reason, saved the firm some money on bug fixes down the line.
In combination what do these things all essentially lead to? Improved product quality and faster product delivery. In a technical world you've had measured this through some kind of metric such as "Level 1 bugs" or "Project timeline". So you *could* say something like "my recommendations reduced overall project bugs by 20%". That's acceptable certainly, but not especially strong.
Now, take that same concept and translate it to business: In practice, from a business standpoint, what does it mean to have improved quality and faster delivery? It means your car loan application probably got to market a bit faster, and it got there with less issues than it would have otherwise.
What metric would the business use to measure those outcomes? Any number are possible - perhaps market penetration, or product growth, or sales, or perhaps customer satisfaction metric or perhaps, even just the number of car loans completed in the first year. Now, you can't go and claim that your job as a build admin resulted in an increase of $200M in annual sales - thats a bit of a stretch, but what you might be able to say is something about those sales. For instance, you might say:
"these improvements helped bring our product to market three months ahead of schedule, achieving 10% market penetration in twelve months."
or
"As a result of our hard work, including my efforts to reduce the overall project timeline, we were the first to market with an online car loan application and captured nearly $200 million in 2007 sales alone."
or
"...... which helped us develop a quality software package evidenced by our JD Powers and Associates Gold Badge of Awesomeness."
Keep it reasonable of course, recognize that your contribution is one of many (be honest) but frame the benefit in terms that are more easily understood by the average person.
Baby crying so I have to go, but hopefully that makes some sense. Also ,take my thoughts with a grain of salt, just my opinions.