Well..its memorial day weekend.. and what better way to give my memories a treat than to see Indy 4. (I will call Indy 4 to keep it sweet). UCLA hasn’t shown me any love yet and so to shake off the trepidation and anxiety that has been building in me, I head off to the movies…
I am a die hard fan of the Indy trilogy. I have hummed the tune every time Indy movie starts, started wearing a Fedora (pic below for proof, Aye..I am the pimp) and own VHS/video CD/ pirated DVD and DVD of all the 3 movies.
8 pm – Lucasfilm comes on screen. I salivate.
8:05 pm – Indy is cracking his whip. He is the same. A lil grayer but the same dude. My eyes get misty. Its good to get old. I don’t have to worry about the endless Los Angeles ads talking about crow feet removal and liposuction.
8 10 pm – Cate Blanchett is scary. I don’t want to be in bed with her. She will probably slice my jewels with her rapier. Why cant they have hot Russian evil women. Seems Spielberg took a page from James Bond and brought #3 from Spektre into Indy 4. Cate; advice for you – stop putting a bowl on your head to cut your hair (or as advised by your hairstylist) and ask Adam Sandler, aka Zohan to do the magic.
8 20 pm – Indy ingenuity to the rescue. Nice effects, lots of action….I am getting back more than 10 bucks (my movie ticket price).Indy is cracking his whip and I am jumping in my seat. I should use that whip cracking sound as my motivational music for MBA re apps.
8 40 pm – Pygmies in peru?? And that too only screaming and not speaking Quecha or Spanish. Spielberg get real!!
8 40 pm – hmm the plot is thinning out. Cant make sense of it. What is all this non sense of a crystal skull that clearly looks like a bong. I can get one of those on Hollywood Blvd. Right between Ivar and Wilcox. and a free bag of weed.. maybe not actual weed.. but legit enough
8 50 pm – is the KGB that stupid or are they playing a dull game of cops and robbers. Indy has made atleast 3 or 4 escapes only to get caught. Ok Indy is getting old. He needs Viagra, Red Bull and a long visit to Spearmint Rhino, the top gentleman’s club in Vegas and LA for some re-energization. The skull wont do jack. And..heyy Spielberg wise guy.. didn’t Indy drink from the holy grail in part 3.. isn’t he supposed to be young and youthful.. better make Indy 3.5 to account for that oversight.
9 25 pm – a car chase that’s longer than a documentary. Damn!!! Some good old spielberg action shots here.. There are machine guns, flying head chopping weed whackers, fire ants and tree swinging monkeys.
9 40 pm – The waterfall looks familiar.. Yesss!! It is familiar. It’s the same waterfall in the movie Miami Vice. The druglord used to live there. Maybe one of the local tribe members became a Remax real estate agent.
9 45 pm – and we see some pyramids, some jungle folk chasing Indy.. and that’s it!!!!! What crap is this.. the movie is called the kingdom of crystal skull.. where is the kingdom?? All I saw was one pyramid.. and that too a mayan one!!!!
9 50 pm – Aliens!!!!! The only thing missing from an Indy movie. We have had hitler’s closet partner, Amrish Puri (god rest his soul), a Chinese with a California accent (young kryzak), elephants, flying daggers, rafts, rolling stones (not the band, although they can be an artifact in 3 more years), jesus, more jesus, old testament, a giant gong, a Disneyland roller coaster ride but no aliens. But my question for you Mr. Spielberg….Why make green oblong aliens. Take a leaf from Species and make hot looking aliens, aka Natasha Hensridge. ET is so 80s… If aliens are so advanced, I am sure they have discovered better cosmetic surgery…
9 52 pm – ok the set looks familiar. Yes it is.. seems like Nicholas Cage (National Treasure 2)and Indy are looking for the lost city of gold in the same Hollywood Paramount set. Spielberg.. why cant you be more creative and do something better..you spent 150 million on this project..surely you didn’t blow it all on tree swinging monkeys and Cate Blanchett’s haircut….
9 53 pm - ok the script writers went on an overdose of Sci-fi channel, Stargate Atlantis, ET, National Treasure. Go back on strike and come with something a bit more creative. Now I know why the Hollywood execs wont give you the pay raise.
9 55 pm – my head is spinning. Dan Brown and his bowl of contraption called the Da Vinci Code was enough to induce vomit. This one takes the cake. Dan Brown spent 2 hours researching some history. Spielberg… you spent 10 minutes on Wikipedia, travel channel and a huge joint.
10 pm – The movie is fugly. Its like watching Kristie Alley in a bikini. Its fun but you will be seething inside.
Indy 4 rocked me off my seat for 15 minutes, preached me on history and histrionics for the next 45 minutes, again delivered for the next 45 minutes, and then totally blew it off in the end. If this was a date..I would say it was a blind date with a transvestite.. you never know what will hit you until you close the deal.
This is the one movie that has made me cry and laugh at the same time. I feel miserable seeing what a mess Spielberg made of this movie, but happy to see Indy back. Indy, don’t hang the hook and fedora. You may have to redeem yourself. Time for you to perhaps join this club, take your GMAT and partake in Indiana Jones and the magic GMAT score.
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