AWA Score: 4 out of 6
Coherence and connectivity: 2.5/5
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.
Paragraph structure and formation: 3.5/5
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.
Vocabulary and word expression: 4.5/5
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!
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Please help me by evaluating my writing.
The following appeared in the opinion column of a financial magazine:
“On average, middle-aged consumers devote 39 percent of their retail expenditure to department store products and
services, while for younger consumers the average is only 25 percent. Since the number of middle-aged people will
increase dramatically within the next decade, department stores can expect retail sales to increase significantly
during that period. Furthermore, to take advantage of the trend, these stores should begin to replace some of those
products intended to attract the younger consumer with products intended to attract the middle-aged consumer.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.
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MY RESPONSE
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In the argument, author recommends that department stores should start replacing some products of younger consumer's interest with the products that interest middle-aged consumers. This recommendation is based on survey result that shows that middle-aged consumers devote higher percentage of their retail expenditure to department store products as compared to younger consumers. Author also mentions that a drastic increase in middle-aged population is expected within next decade that would cause significant increase in retail sales. Initially, this might look like a reasonable argument but when closely analyzed, the conclusion is flawed and poorly reasoned.
For example, mere percentage of a consumer's retail expenditure is not sufficient to determine the revenue generated by a consumer. Therefore, in order to decide which type of consumers contribute towards higher revenue for department stores, parameters like total amount of retail expenditure of each type of consumers and total number of consumers in each age group are required to create an accurate data-point. Additionally, author states that the number of middle-aged people will increase dramatically within the next decade which will be, in general, true for younger age group as well. Unless, there is any specific policy or trend in place that can affect the birth rate of the country. Finally, the suggestion that retailers should start replacing the products for younger consumers with middle-aged consumer's products now to benefit from the increase in middle-aged consumer's population over next decade does not sound well supported. This is because, there is no information provided for the population trends of younger age group. Also, clearing out younger age group's products now, would make retailers to loose their current business from younger generation's products because 29 percent of younger generation's retail expenditure might not be that less after-all.
In conclusion, the argument is based on the information that is not complete. Author may consider to include the parameters like total population of each age group, total amount each group categorizes as retail expenditure to make an accurate argument. Also, there is no information provided on the probable trend of younger consumer's population over next decade which makes the conclusion questionable. Author can try to get statistics on younger generation's population and support his recommendation.