I reviewed my essay and here is what I notice:
• Length: 427 words / 2685 characters -> goal is 500 words / 3000 characters
• Obvious spelling / grammar errors: 9
o -> Also with ,
• Heavy use of passive voice
o
What is your opinion on using passive voice to avoid repetition? (e.g. It is stated vs. the argument states)• Words/phrases that are used very frequently:
o That -> replace with which, or participle construction
o Argument -> replace with passage, excerpt, reasoning, statement. Or restate: claim, assumption, premise
o Burn fat -> ???
o However -> replace with but, conversely, still, nevertheless, nonetheless, notwithstanding, yet
o Because -> replace with since, as, due to, as a result of
• Improvement to the template
o Add conclusion / improvement suggestion at the end of paragraphs
o Add series of questions directed to the argument within one of the body paragraph.
Please feel invited to comment on my review as well! Especially if you see me putting in mistakes!
The argument claims that the artificial sweetener aspartame can contribute to weight gain rather than weight loss because high levels of aspartame can deplete the brain of a chemical which registers satiety, thereby triggering a craving for food. Moreover, studies are cited showing sugar consumed after exercise helps the body to burn fat. The conclusion is that a person who wants to achieve certain dietary goals is better off using sugar than aspartame to sweeten their food. At first glance, the author's argument may seem somewhat convincing, but further examination reveals several flaws, flaws which make the argument dubious, weak, and unconvincing.
Firstly, the argument deduces that because high levels of aspartame trigger a craving for food, aspartame contributes to weight gain rather than weight loss. However, this deduction makes two far-fetched assumptions. The first assumption is that replacing sugar with aspartame definitively leads to high levels of the sweetener in one's brain. As with everything in life, moderation is the key to success. If a person consumes artificial sweeteners in moderation there won’t be a high concentration and consequently there won’t be ill effects. The second incorrect assumption is that a craving for food automatically leads to weight gain. Any dieter can tell examples about the large craving and hunger he experiences. Nevertheless, a successful dieter does not need to act on these impulses. Clearly, the claim that aspartame leads to weight gain is more of a wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence.
Secondly, the text passage cites studies claiming that sugar helps to burn fat after exercise. It is assumed that aspartame does not have this benefit, but this assumption is not presented with any evidence. It might just as well be that aspartame also has fat-burning effects exceeding those of sugar. Also, the author does not tell the reader how much fat is burned. Since sugar has much more calories than artificial sweetener, the fat-burning benefits should be put in perspective. In the absence of answers to these questions, it actually renders the claims worthless.
Lastly, the argument assumes that everyone who chooses aspartame over sugar does so for dietary reasons. However, it does not show any evidence for these claims. To show a counterexample, there is a large group of consumers who prefer to drink soda sweetened with aspartame over soda sweetened with sugar for its taste. Many people prefer Coca Cola Zero or Coca Cola Life over regular Coca Cola due to the high amount of sugar in Coca Cola leaves a strong aftertaste which affects the taste of food consumed after drinking the soda. The argument could have been much clearer if it explicitly stated that it focusses only on people who are restricting their diet.
In conclusion, the argument is not well-reasoned as it stands. It is poorly supported and defective, as a result of its many unstated assumptions for which no evidence is provided. The author could strengthen his argument by mentioning all relevant facts and providing relevant examples.