Events & Promotions
|
|
GMAT Club Daily Prep
Thank you for using the timer - this advanced tool can estimate your performance and suggest more practice questions. We have subscribed you to Daily Prep Questions via email.
Customized
for You
Track
Your Progress
Practice
Pays
Not interested in getting valuable practice questions and articles delivered to your email? No problem, unsubscribe here.
Apr 2610:00 AM EDT
-11:00 AM EDT
The Target Test Prep course represents a quantum leap forward in GMAT preparation, a radical reinterpretation of the way that students should study. Try before you buy with a 5-day, full-access trial of the course for FREE!
Apr 2711:00 AM EDT
-12:00 PM EDT
Prefer video-based learning? The Target Test Prep OnDemand course is a one-of-a-kind video masterclass featuring 400 hours of lecture-style teaching by Scott Woodbury-Stewart, founder of Target Test Prep and one of the most accomplished GMAT instructors
Apr 2808:00 AM PDT
-11:00 AM PDT
Whether you are just beginning your MBA journey or fine-tuning your path to a 700+ score, GMAT Day is designed to give you a competitive edge.
09 Jul 2009, 16:28
Kudos
Bookmarks
Hi friends, i'm taking the gmat 2 weeks from now, and i'm concerned about my awa more than any other section.
I am practicing few essays, but i would request all of you to please help me by providing your feedback as to where I can improve and what mistakes i'm making which i need to correct. I know it takes time, but blaring mistakes can be easily identified. It would be very helpful for me.
I timed myself while writing this one, but somehow missed the alarm and had to finish in a hurry taking 2 minutes over the limit.
I have not even re-read it. The essay is just as it would have been submitted on the actual exam.
topic:
The following appeared in a newspaper editorial:
“As violence in movies increases, so do crime rates in our cities. To combat this problem we must establish a board
to censor certain movies, or we must limit admission to persons over 21 years of age. Apparently our legislators are
not concerned about this issue since a bill calling for such actions recently failed to receive a majority vote.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.
My response
The argument concludes that the legislators are not concerned about the issue that violence in movies is causing an increase in the crime rates in the cities. The reason given for this conclusion is the failure to pass a bill that required censoring certain movies or limiting admission to people over 21 years of age which is believed to help in combating this problem. However, the argument has some questionable assumptions and flaws.
First, the argument makes a sweeping assumption that all legislators are indifferent to the issue because they failed to pass a bill that called for some restrictions. The author does not provide any conclusive evidence supporting his claim that the bill failed to attain a majority vote because of the indifference of the legislators to the problem. Had the legislators been indifferent, they might not have proposed such a bill. Morever, there could be several other reasons for majority of the legislators to disagree with the terms proposed in the bill. The intention of the bill may be good but the method could have been wrong. For example, when India denied to sign the Nuclear weapons treaty, it was only because they disagreed on a few terms of the treaty, not because they were not concerned about the controlling of use of nuclear weapons.
Secondly, the author makes a generalized claim that establishing a censor board or limiting admission to adults will solve the problem of increasing crime rates. The author does not provide any statistics in support of this claim. There are several countries which have censor boards and age categorizations for movies, yet the crime rate has steadily increased over the years. For example, in India, crime rate has not decreased after the establishing of the censor board. Moreover, with the introduction of dvds and the internet, access to movies can no more be limited by limiting admission to movie theatres. These are several drawbacks of the actions proposed by the bill which the argument fails to address.
Thirdly, the author fails to justify his claim that crime rates in cities are significantly affected by the violence depicted in the movies. This has long been a debatable issue, and the nature and content of such movies have to be taken into account before arriving at such generalized conclusions. The argument could have been strengthened if the author could provide evidence that violence in movies has a significant impact on the crime rates in cities. Also, the argument could have discussed the views of the legislators who voted against the bill to show whether they did so for valid reasons.
To sum, the argument fails to convince that the legislators are not concerned about the issue of increasing crime rates because of violence in the movies. The author has made few generalized assumptions without providing sufficient evidence to support his claims. The argument could have been made stronger if the author had provided statistics which show that censor boards and limited admissions are effective in reducing crime rates, and that the legislators did not have any strong reasons to oppose the bill.
I am practicing few essays, but i would request all of you to please help me by providing your feedback as to where I can improve and what mistakes i'm making which i need to correct. I know it takes time, but blaring mistakes can be easily identified. It would be very helpful for me.
I timed myself while writing this one, but somehow missed the alarm and had to finish in a hurry taking 2 minutes over the limit.
I have not even re-read it. The essay is just as it would have been submitted on the actual exam.
topic:
The following appeared in a newspaper editorial:
“As violence in movies increases, so do crime rates in our cities. To combat this problem we must establish a board
to censor certain movies, or we must limit admission to persons over 21 years of age. Apparently our legislators are
not concerned about this issue since a bill calling for such actions recently failed to receive a majority vote.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.
My response
The argument concludes that the legislators are not concerned about the issue that violence in movies is causing an increase in the crime rates in the cities. The reason given for this conclusion is the failure to pass a bill that required censoring certain movies or limiting admission to people over 21 years of age which is believed to help in combating this problem. However, the argument has some questionable assumptions and flaws.
First, the argument makes a sweeping assumption that all legislators are indifferent to the issue because they failed to pass a bill that called for some restrictions. The author does not provide any conclusive evidence supporting his claim that the bill failed to attain a majority vote because of the indifference of the legislators to the problem. Had the legislators been indifferent, they might not have proposed such a bill. Morever, there could be several other reasons for majority of the legislators to disagree with the terms proposed in the bill. The intention of the bill may be good but the method could have been wrong. For example, when India denied to sign the Nuclear weapons treaty, it was only because they disagreed on a few terms of the treaty, not because they were not concerned about the controlling of use of nuclear weapons.
Secondly, the author makes a generalized claim that establishing a censor board or limiting admission to adults will solve the problem of increasing crime rates. The author does not provide any statistics in support of this claim. There are several countries which have censor boards and age categorizations for movies, yet the crime rate has steadily increased over the years. For example, in India, crime rate has not decreased after the establishing of the censor board. Moreover, with the introduction of dvds and the internet, access to movies can no more be limited by limiting admission to movie theatres. These are several drawbacks of the actions proposed by the bill which the argument fails to address.
Thirdly, the author fails to justify his claim that crime rates in cities are significantly affected by the violence depicted in the movies. This has long been a debatable issue, and the nature and content of such movies have to be taken into account before arriving at such generalized conclusions. The argument could have been strengthened if the author could provide evidence that violence in movies has a significant impact on the crime rates in cities. Also, the argument could have discussed the views of the legislators who voted against the bill to show whether they did so for valid reasons.
To sum, the argument fails to convince that the legislators are not concerned about the issue of increasing crime rates because of violence in the movies. The author has made few generalized assumptions without providing sufficient evidence to support his claims. The argument could have been made stronger if the author had provided statistics which show that censor boards and limited admissions are effective in reducing crime rates, and that the legislators did not have any strong reasons to oppose the bill.
09 Jul 2009, 17:13
Kudos
Bookmarks
So in the interest of helping you improve your essay I will straight out point to what might be missing or can be improved.
You addressed the flaws and reasoning in the argument but the order of addressing might make a big difference. The major flaw in the argument is what you have stated in the second and third paragraphs. So if you put them first, the essay will have more impact. Now the counter to these reasons - namely 'Establishing a censor board to censor violent scenes and restrict audience below 21 years of age' needs more punch. The evidence you have stated "in India, crime rate has not decreased after the establishing of the censor board" cannot be used as a proof, hence it's not convincing enough. Instead something like this might help ...
"While it is perceived that violent behavior is learned and not in born, just the violent acts depicted in the movies will not aid in the violent behavior development. This is because, audience tend to spend much less time in cinemas as compared to the time they spend in watching television and playing video games. So the chances of them learning violent behavior tends to be higher during television watching or video game playing ... "
Also, it's better to avoid usage of phrases like this "The argument concludes that , the argument fails to convince that" - It's not the argument that's concluding or trying to convince .. it's the author.
So that's the high level comment I have. Otherwise, the language and ease of readability seems fine.
Good luck for your exam.
You addressed the flaws and reasoning in the argument but the order of addressing might make a big difference. The major flaw in the argument is what you have stated in the second and third paragraphs. So if you put them first, the essay will have more impact. Now the counter to these reasons - namely 'Establishing a censor board to censor violent scenes and restrict audience below 21 years of age' needs more punch. The evidence you have stated "in India, crime rate has not decreased after the establishing of the censor board" cannot be used as a proof, hence it's not convincing enough. Instead something like this might help ...
"While it is perceived that violent behavior is learned and not in born, just the violent acts depicted in the movies will not aid in the violent behavior development. This is because, audience tend to spend much less time in cinemas as compared to the time they spend in watching television and playing video games. So the chances of them learning violent behavior tends to be higher during television watching or video game playing ... "
Also, it's better to avoid usage of phrases like this "The argument concludes that , the argument fails to convince that" - It's not the argument that's concluding or trying to convince .. it's the author.
So that's the high level comment I have. Otherwise, the language and ease of readability seems fine.
Good luck for your exam.
10 Jul 2009, 07:50
Kudos
Bookmarks
pleonasm
Thanks a lot for your quick response
I really appreciate the time and effort you put in to analyse the essay critically and then give the detailed explanation.
Im not trying to justify myself, but just want to discuss few things bit further so that I am sure I have arrived at the best conclusion.
About the ordering of the paragraphs, I feel that a direct attack at the conclusion is the strongest point. The assumption questioned by me in the 1st paragraph is what the final conclusion of the author relies upon, and i feel this assumption is the weakest point in his conclusion. Rest of the points, which weaken the premise, should come after the conclusion itself has been weakened. Simply put, I wanted to attack the conclusion itself first, then go on to the premise, because I've read few sample guide essays and have noticed this pattern in all of them. What are your views?
Thanks for all other points, seems like you have been practicing AWAs a lot, coz the point you gave in italics was very good, it gives a very precise argument against the author's premise.
As for the usage of "argument/author", thanks for pointing it out. Actually I read few sample essays where the word "argument" has been used in the similar context, that is why i deliberately used it, but should not have used for such phrases.
Hope you won't mind spending few more minutes replying to this again
