please evaluate my PTE essay

These days, there is an ongoing debate between people about the competitive environment in schools. It is irrefutable to say that this is significant for the student’s career growth. With many people claiming that it is beneficial, others reject the notion. In my opinion, the former information with respect to benefits appears to be rational. The below essay assets both sides of the contention and provides a plausible conclusion.
To begin with, there are myriad of reasons, which will further explain this argument but the most preponderant one stems from the fact that competitive environment in schools and universities offers a great deal of scope to the students to excel in their studies and improves their academic knowledge. The interpersonal skills of students and boosts the career perspective, to shine in all competitive exams as well. According to a new startling research, for example, around 75% of students were passed out successfully during the last year exams mainly due to extensive coaching and competitive environment in the schools and colleges. In my personal experience, I also experienced the same by working together with efficient people during the examination days to improve my skills.
There are some pitfalls that need to be addressed as well. Many critics persuasively argue that the competitive environment will only enhance high-grade student’s future, effects need to address the improvement of dull student’s results, the onus lies on the schools and colleges to take corrective actions to resolve this issue.
To recapitulate, the aforementioned argument propounds the view that even though there are some shortcomings in the competitive environment, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. I am inclined to believe that competitive environment is vital to student’s success.