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Please rate my 1st essay and suggest areas of improvement.

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Intern
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Joined: 07 Jan 2018
Posts: 5
Please rate my 1st essay and suggest areas of improvement. [#permalink]

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New post 23 Jan 2018, 02:03
This is my first essay and please suggest what need to improve like templates , grammar , etc. Specially I am very confused in my third paragraph where we have to pose some questions. Is it a right way to write ?


The following appeared in the editorial section of a local newspaper:
"In the first four years that Montoya has served as mayor of the city of San Perdito, the population has decreased and the unemployment rate has increased. Two businesses have closed for each new business that has opened. Under Varro, who served as mayor for four years before Montoya, the unemployment rate decreased and the population increased. Clearly, the residents of San Perdito would be best served if they voted Montoya out of office and reelected Varro".

Discussed how well reasoned....etc.


The argument state that the situation of the city of San Perdito has been deteriorated in past 4 years under the current mayor Montoya. Hence the author believe that the in order to serve better and make things right for the city of San Perdito , Varro should be reelected as a Mayor of the city and Montoya should be voted out of the office. The author left out several other factors which should have been the basis of the argument and left us with minimal information to arrive at the stated conclusion. Therefore, the argument is vague and rather unconvincing.

First, the argument readily assumes that just because the population has decreased and unemployment has increased under the Mayorship of Montoya, he has not served for the resident of San Perdito better than the previous Mayor Varro. Author claims that under the Mayorship of Varro the population has increased and unemployment is decreased. The argument could have much clearer if it explicitly stated that the reasons why the situation got worse under Montoya becasuse of his decisions and amendment in policies. Clearly there is no statistical data and information which support the evidence to prove that because of Montoya the condition has deteriorated.

Second, the argument state that for every new business that has opened, two businesses have closed when Montoya was Mayor of the city. This is again a very weak and unsupported claim as the argument does not demonstrate any correlation between what Montoya has done for the business during his service period and why the business have been closed. In fact , it is not at all clear that what Varro has done for the business in the city and what was the situation of the businesses when Varro was the Mayor of the city. Author failed to consider various other key factors which could have been the cause of decreasing business in the city. For example, if the whole country is going under economic trouble , it is likely to effect the business.

Finally, Author fails to provide sufficient information such as what was the other reasons the population was decreased ? What was the economic condition before and after Mayor ship of Montoya ? what where the policy introduced by Montoya and Varro for the betterment of the city? What are the business types which where closed and which business was affected the most? What did Varro did to control the situation? Without convincing answers to these question , one is left with the impression that the claim is more of a wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence.


To recapitulate, the argument is flawed for the above mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. It could be considerably strengthen if the author clearly mention all the relevant facts such as comparison between Montoya and Varro and their decisions for the betterment of the city with supporting information and data in order to assess the merit of a certain situation. It is essential to have full knowledge of all the contributing factors in order to efficiently analyze the argument and arrive at a conclusion. Without considering other factors , this argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.
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Joined: 13 Oct 2016
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Concentration: Operations, Leadership
GMAT 1: 600 Q44 V28
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Re: Please rate my 1st essay and suggest areas of improvement. [#permalink]

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New post 25 Jan 2018, 21:00
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13030122063 wrote:
This is my first essay and please suggest what need to improve like templates , grammar , etc. Specially I am very confused in my third paragraph where we have to pose some questions. Is it a right way to write ?


The following appeared in the editorial section of a local newspaper:
"In the first four years that Montoya has served as mayor of the city of San Perdito, the population has decreased and the unemployment rate has increased. Two businesses have closed for each new business that has opened. Under Varro, who served as mayor for four years before Montoya, the unemployment rate decreased and the population increased. Clearly, the residents of San Perdito would be best served if they voted Montoya out of office and reelected Varro".

Discussed how well reasoned....etc.


The argument state that the situation of the city of San Perdito has been deteriorated in past 4 years under the current mayor Montoya. Hence the author believe that the in order to serve better and make things right for the city of San Perdito , Varro should be reelected as a Mayor of the city and Montoya should be voted out of the office. The author left out several other factors which should have been the basis of the argument and left us with minimal information to arrive at the stated conclusion. Therefore, the argument is vague and rather unconvincing.

First, the argument readily assumes that just because the population has decreased and unemployment has increased under the Mayorship of Montoya, he has not served for the resident of San Perdito better than the previous Mayor Varro. Author claims that under the Mayorship of Varro the population has increased and unemployment is decreased. The argument could have much clearer if it explicitly stated that the reasons why the situation got worse under Montoya becasuse of his decisions and amendment in policies. Clearly there is no statistical data and information which support the evidence to prove that because of Montoya the condition has deteriorated.

Second, the argument state that for every new business that has opened, two businesses have closed when Montoya was Mayor of the city. This is again a very weak and unsupported claim as the argument does not demonstrate any correlation between what Montoya has done for the business during his service period and why the business have been closed. In fact , it is not at all clear that what Varro has done for the business in the city and what was the situation of the businesses when Varro was the Mayor of the city. Author failed to consider various other key factors which could have been the cause of decreasing business in the city. For example, if the whole country is going under economic trouble , it is likely to effect the business.

Finally, Author fails to provide sufficient information such as what was the other reasons the population was decreased ? What was the economic condition before and after Mayor ship of Montoya ? what where the policy introduced by Montoya and Varro for the betterment of the city? What are the business types which where closed and which business was affected the most? What did Varro did to control the situation? Without convincing answers to these question , one is left with the impression that the claim is more of a wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence.


To recapitulate, the argument is flawed for the above mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. It could be considerably strengthen if the author clearly mention all the relevant facts such as comparison between Montoya and Varro and their decisions for the betterment of the city with supporting information and data in order to assess the merit of a certain situation. It is essential to have full knowledge of all the contributing factors in order to efficiently analyze the argument and arrive at a conclusion. Without considering other factors , this argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.

Hi 13030122063

Please find below the link which contains almost all the essays related to the GMAT exam (you might find similar essays like the one posted by you as well). These essays will guarantee you a score of 5-6 in the AWA section of the GMAT Exam.

https://gmatclub.com/forum/awa-compilations-109-analysis-of-argument-essays-86274.html

For any further queries please do get back to me. All the best for your exam preparation :)
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If you appreciate the post then please click +1Kudos :)

Re: Please rate my 1st essay and suggest areas of improvement.   [#permalink] 25 Jan 2018, 21:00
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Please rate my 1st essay and suggest areas of improvement.

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