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Re: Please rate my AWA
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28 Jun 2014, 06:12
ESSAY QUESTION:
The following appeared in an article in a medical journal:
"The major increase in new cases of adult-onset diabetes during the past decade is the result of poor nutrition, which is itself the result of a lack of government control over the quality of foods available at low prices. If the government placed more emphasis on proper nutrition by requiring that food manufacturers include more vitamins and minerals in their products, the rate of adult-onset diabetes would be reduced significantly."
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.
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MY RESPONSE:
The argument states that the main reason behind the new cases of adult-onset of diabetes in the past decade, has been the poor governance implemented by the government. wordy no need for this d for this [highlight.This includes lack of quality control and price regulation being done in the market(avoid this construction). be very simple and state forward in stating the conclusion.This argument seems to be incomplete and lacks to provide enough information to validate or infer the reasoning provided in the matter.
Firstly, the premise in the argument states that lack of presence of vitamins and minerals present is the main cause of diabetes. This statement does not consider that diabetes may result from other externalfactors which (comma splice before which) include reasons ranging from genetic factors to poor lifestyle. It is not necessary that if good food is available at optimum price, everyone would consume the same product. if clause remember the rule would is wrong
The argument also fails to provide enough information regarding the elaborate nature of the nutrients that are associated with the onset of diabetes. The author of the argument has to be more detailed in explaining the cause of a disease happening from specific malnutrition of the nutrients being provided to the consumer.Example: Is Lack of Vitamin B12 or Vitamin D is the main cause of diabetes?
Also, there is a distinct underlying assumption in the argument that government being the sole responsible unit for the issue in place. as sated earlier avoid this and be simple and satate It is incomplete as it fails to consider that even after strict governance and quality control in place , there are multiple factors involved in the supply chain of the food product being delivered to the consumer. For example: Potato after moving through the governmental quality regulations will be bought by a retail food chain and also(by or bought by)fast food restaurants. It depends on the consumer which one he prefers to have and based uponwhichit should be that any suitable inference of nutrient being supplied to the end user can be done.
Hence, the author of the argument has to provide more detailed and specific examples and validate information about the diabetes being a reason arising from inadequate governmental regulations.
as use have used a lot of being constructions in the essay try to be simple and give straight grammatically the essay sounds good but a bit in poor constructions. try to avoid these
use my thread to awa to get the complete awa analysis in very simple way
and also give kudos to the post if you appreciate