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please rate my AWA essay

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please rate my AWA essay [#permalink]

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New post 24 Dec 2017, 17:58
The following appeared in the editorial section of a corporate newsletter:
“The common notion that workers are generally apathetic about management issues is false, or at least outdated: a recently published survey indicates that 79 percent of the nearly 1,200 workers who responded to survey questionnaires expressed a high level of interest in the topics of corporate restructuring and redesign of benefits programs.”


The argument concludes that nowadays workers are interested in management issues where as they were not in the past. It is supported by a survey conducted recently that shows high percent of candidates shows high level interest in corporate issues of benefits programs. This conclusion, however, omits some important concerns that should be addressed to substantiate the argument.
First, it is not clear how the 1200 workers who responded to the survey are chosen. If the 1200 workers are chosen in a small range of groups or even in the same company, they share some similarity in the first place. Thus, their responses to the survey cannot be taken as the opinion of most workers. Not to even mention that whether 1200 samples are large enough to represent the whole group of workers.
Second, the article is saying that 79 percentage of the survey candidates express a high level of interest in the topics of corporate management issues of benefits programs. Obviously, management issues include many other aspects like marketing strategy, product development strategy, business growth plan, etc. Normally, most workers care about benefit programs very much as those programs are directly related to everyone in any corporates. Workers having high interest in benefits programs is normal and does not necessarily mean that they are also interested in other management issues.
In conclusion, this argument is not completely sound. The evidence in support of the conclusion does little to prove the conclusion since it does not address the assumptions I have raised. Ultimately, the argument would have been more convincing by making the procedure of sampling clear and stating what management issues the survey actually covers.



Q: Is it too short? Do I really have to write about 500 words to get a good score?

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New post 06 Jan 2018, 13:04
Kiwikiller wrote:
The following appeared in the editorial section of a corporate newsletter:
“The common notion that workers are generally apathetic about management issues is false, or at least outdated: a recently published survey indicates that 79 percent of the nearly 1,200 workers who responded to survey questionnaires expressed a high level of interest in the topics of corporate restructuring and redesign of benefits programs.”


The argument concludes that nowadays workers are interested in management issues where as they were not in the past. It is supported by a survey conducted recently that shows high percent of candidates shows high level interest in corporate issues of benefits programs. This conclusion, however, omits some important concerns that should be addressed to substantiate the argument.
First, it is not clear how the 1200 workers who responded to the survey are chosen. If the 1200 workers are chosen in a small range of groups or even in the same company, they share some similarity in the first place. Thus, their responses to the survey cannot be taken as the opinion of most workers. Not to even mention that whether 1200 samples are large enough to represent the whole group of workers.
Second, the article is saying that 79 percentage of the survey candidates express a high level of interest in the topics of corporate management issues of benefits programs. Obviously, management issues include many other aspects like marketing strategy, product development strategy, business growth plan, etc. Normally, most workers care about benefit programs very much as those programs are directly related to everyone in any corporates. Workers having high interest in benefits programs is normal and does not necessarily mean that they are also interested in other management issues.
In conclusion, this argument is not completely sound. The evidence in support of the conclusion does little to prove the conclusion since it does not address the assumptions I have raised. Ultimately, the argument would have been more convincing by making the procedure of sampling clear and stating what management issues the survey actually covers.



Q: Is it too short? Do I really have to write about 500 words to get a good score?



Kiwikiller It is too short. You want to beef up your passages detailing the critiques by at least several more sentences, so that it will be convincing. An essay of length, even if its good, will automatically lose a few points.
Other issues:
- You missed the main flaw: the 1,200 workers polled are those who responded to questionnaires - this implies a self-selection bias, wherein workers who have no interest in participating (who are presumably also likely to not care about management issues) aren't counted.
- The first critique is close this flaw, but is far more general and thus ineffective. Polls always, by definition, ask a small group which is taken to represent a whole. Saying that responses of a small group on a survey cannot be taken to represent the whole is not a valid critique.
- The second critique is stronger. As already stated, I suggest expanding on it.
- The level of English isn't high enough. For example, this - Not to even mention that whether 1200 samples are large enough to represent the whole group of workers. - is not a sentence.
- the argument is presented in the first sentence in an inaccurate way. Nothing is stated about the past at all...
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New post 07 Jan 2018, 17:45
Thanks Dave. That is very helpful.

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New post 11 Jan 2018, 01:09
Mistakes may common in everyone's essays and rating is the best chance to find it and to make more modifications.
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Re: please rate my AWA essay   [#permalink] 11 Jan 2018, 01:09
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