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Please rate my essay.

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Intern
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Joined: 25 Jun 2016
Posts: 1
Location: France
Please rate my essay.  [#permalink]

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New post 25 Jun 2016, 03:05
Hello!

My aim is to get 27/30 at the TOEFL IBT's writing part. I go 20 at my last test.
I want improve my writing skills. Could you have a look at my essay and rate it on 5.

Thank you very much! :-D


Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement
“A teacher’s ability to relate well with students is more important than excellent knowledge of the subject being taught”
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion

[310 words]

I disagree with the idea that it is more important for a teacher to have the ability to relate with his student than to have an excellent knowledge in his fields. In this essay several points will be developed to support my point of view.

Firstly, the main goal of a teacher is to educate the students with his knowledges in his fields. I already had an experience with a teacher who preferred to have a good relationship with his student than teach properly. When I was 14 years old I had a German teacher who every time wanted discuss with us about the weather, our lives, etc. As a result, I could have a correct score at my examination because I couldn’t learn correctly during his lessons.

Secondly, students come to the university with the aim to acquire new knowledges for their future career. Usually the university programs are very tough and we only have two weeks maximum to master a subject. If the teacher begins to speak and lose time with his student, as a result, the whole class will have bad score and may have to do a second time the programs.

Thirdly, teachers are responsible of the transmission of knowledge from a generation to another. Teachers already had an experience of getting advanced education from university. Teachers should not let that privilege become workless. In this one or two year program, teachers will certainly influence students in their lives. It is why in this short time teacher shouldn’t try to relate with students.

In conclusion, I think the most important quality for a teacher is to be an expert in this field in order to teach to his student the more accurate knowledge. Of course having a friendly atmosphere in the classroom is always benefited but it shouldn’t be the number one quality for a teacher.
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New post 16 Jul 2016, 13:53
That's OK, but you can improve more by practicing more.
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New post 25 Jul 2016, 07:11
The essay is ok but still, work more on it. Check for spelling and grammar mistakes.
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New post 03 Aug 2016, 11:01
The structure of your essay is good; however, I think there are a few minor errors in your essay. There are also parts where it is slightly unclear what you mean.

dahuhades wrote:
Hello!

Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement
“A teacher’s ability to relate well with students is more important than excellent knowledge of the subject being taught”
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion

[310 words]

I disagree with the idea that it is more important for a teacher to have the ability to relate with his student than to have an excellent knowledge in his fields. In this essay several points will be developed to support my point of view.

Firstly, the main goal of a teacher is to educate the students with his knowledges in his fields One does not educate someone with his knowledge. One might share his knowledge, though. If you're not sure, you can eliminate it altogether; by using the word "educate"the meaning is clear enough.. I already had an experience with a teacher who preferred to have a good relationship with his student than teach properly.excellent use of a personal example When I was 14 years old, I had a German teacher who every time wanted to discuss all the time with us (redundant, it is obvious he would discuss with you) about the weather, our lives, etc. As a result, I could have a correct score at my examination because I couldn’t learn correctly during his lessons. (the whole sentence is unclear; you could get a good grade because you couldn't learn?; Also, it's a grade, not a score, unless is for a standardized test, like the TOEFL; in school you get many grades and then a final one is calculated.

Secondly, students come to the university with the aim to acquire new knowledges (this noun is not used in plural form) for their future career. Usually the university programs are very tough and we only have two weeks maximum to master a subject. If the teacher begins to speak and lose (waste is a better word to use with "time") time with his student, as a result not neccessary because of having used the word "if" choose one or the other; also, "as a result" is better used when starting a new sentence., the whole class will have bad score and may have to do a second time (you do not "do" a program, you "take" --or in this case "retake" the programs.

Thirdly, teachers are responsible of the transmission (I would personally prefer "transmitting instead of "transmission"but I cannot clearly explain why here) of knowledge from a generation to another. Teachers already had an"the experience of getting an advanced education from university. Teachers (too much repetition; try some other word like "they" should not let that privilege become workless (the word you're looking for is "worthless"). In this one or two year program, teachers will certainly influence (the lives of)students in their lives. It is why in this short time teacher shouldn’t try to relate with to students. unclear; how will they influence lives without trying to relate? I think I understand what you want to say, but I am not sure and I doubt the examiner will spend much time trying to guess your meaning.

In conclusion, I think the most important quality for a teacher is to be an expert in this field in order to teach to his student the more do not use the comparative (more) if you have nothing to compare it to; you could use the superlative instead (most) accurate knowledge. the knowledge is usually shared or transmitted, not taught Of course having a friendly atmosphere in the classroom is always benefited beneficial but it shouldn’t be the number one quality for a teacher.


Hope it helps. Please forgive me any offense; I did not mean to.
GMAT Club Bot
Please rate my essay.   [#permalink] 03 Aug 2016, 11:01
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