kakal0t29 wrote:
Im sorry, but this essay is not quite clear and writing in comprehensive way includes alot of spelling mistakes as well!
Thank you!
What about this?:
Fifteen years ago, Omega University implemented a new procedure that encouraged students to evaluate the teaching effectiveness of all their professors. Since that time, Omega professors have begun to assign higher grades in their classes, and overall student grade averages at Omega have risen by 30 percent. Potential employers, looking at this dramatic rise in grades, believe that grades at Omega are inflated and do not accurately reflect student achievement; as a result, Omega graduates have not been as successful at getting jobs as have graduates from nearby Alpha University. To enable its graduates to secure better jobs, Omega University should terminate student evaluation of professors.
Fifteen years ago, Omege university implemented a new teaching evaluate procedure. The argument
suggestthat this procedure caused rise in student
grades the courses Alpha university students getting better jobs then Omega graduate students.
The students' evaluation is important for impr
oving teaching and therefor improving the students skills and knowledge,
furthermore, this argument is flawed for numerous of reasons.
First, the start of the evaluation
accrued( can you explain why uses "accrue") fifteen years ago. The grades have risen by 30 percent from the grades back
then. There is no indication of the grades today in nearby universities, is a rise by 30 percent accrued in other
universities?. Even when we get this answer,
we need to know the hiring percents in all universities nearby, with the
grades rising information. Especially, we don't know if there is a
teaching evaluatingin Alpga university. This is important because if the grades at alpha university had risen too,
the reason the students is getting a better jobs not reflected from the the rise in the Omega's students' grades and specially not caused by the teaching evaluation.
Second, [highlight]we need to know the departments at Omega and Alpha university. The different in hiring levels can accrued by
different needs of the employers.[/highlight] ( what do you mean by that?)
Finally, the argument
need to indicate the
number and percents of students getting better jobs before and after this evaluation procedure.
This information can give a little light on the true numbers of hiring Omega and Alpha graduate students and we can see
if fifteen years ago ( where is the subject ) was a brick point to this hiring levels.
This do not indicate the the brick point coursed by the evaluation.
In conclusion, had the argument provided the information mentioned before, even then we cannot determine if the teaching evaluation
caused the rising in grades that caused( redundant => plz rewrite by other words ) Alpha university's students getting better jobs
thenOmega graduate students.
I did highlight the confusing sentences and this essay may have some flaws. The flow of your analysis is not strong and adequate to persuade the reader. I'm not sure my correction helpful or not, however i hope at least yout can find the ways and inspiration to improve in other essays. Beat the GMAT