The falling revenues that the company is experiencing coincide with de

Question

I am prepping for GMAT. This is the first time I have written an essay in 10 years. I am planning to get a 4.5 or 5 on AWA. Can you please review the essay?

Question:
The following appeared in a report presented for discussion at a meeting of directors of a company that manufactures parts for heavy machinery:
“The falling revenues that the company is experiencing coincide with delays in manufacturing. These delays, in turn, are due in large part to poor planning in purchasing metals. Consider further that the manager of the department that handles purchasing of raw materials has an excellent background n general business, psychology and sociology, but knows little about the properties of metals. The company should, therefore, move the purchasing manager to the sales department and bring in a scientist from the research division to be manager of the purchasing department.

Answer:
The report unsuccessfully tries to associate the falling revenues of a company with delays in manufacturing. The use of ambiguous terms along with a mistaken cause and effect relationship resulted in a weak argument.

The report uses vague terms. Words such as “delays” leave the readers with more questions than answers. For example, delays can range from few hours to few days. The use of specific values such as one hour or one day would provide further insight into the claim.

The report also mentions that the fall in revenue coincides with delays in production. A lot of events can coincide with each other; it does not necessarily mean that one event caused the other. For example, during summer ice cream consumption and deaths related to drowning both may increase. It does not mean that eating ice cream causes drowning just because the two events coincide. Just like the example, there may be other factors such as rising prices that may cause a decline in revenues. Delays in manufacturing may not be one of the contributing factors. The argument will still be weak even if the report provided specific numbers related to delays. This is because the report fails to establish any correlation between delays in manufacturing and the decline of sales.
 
The report tried to highlight delays in production as the main reason for the decline in revenue. But it failed to create a strong case because of using vague terms and relying on coincidence rather than actual facts.

.....I know the word count is low, but I finished the essay within 30 mins and my essay writing skills are kind of rusty..

chaleizone · Answer

It has come out well

Posted from my mobile device

Sajjad1994 · Answer

AWA Score: 5 out of 6!

I have used a GMATAWA auto-grader to evaluate your essay.

Coherence and connectivity: 3.5/5 
This rating corresponds to the flow of idea and expression from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analysed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.

Paragraph structure and formation: 3.5/5  
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs is evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.

Vocabulary and word expression: 5/5 
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocaubulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word-usage. Simple is the best form of suave!

Good Luck

arifmd · Answer

Sajjad1994 . Thank you for the detailed review. It was very helpful.

yashaancawasji · Answer

HI there,

What is the argument actually talking about? i feel the argument also says that the scientist will perform better as compared to the purchasing manager. I have also written my Essay on this. Could you please evaluate?

This argument claims that the dip in the revenue of the company is due to delay in manufacturing. And these delays are due to poor planning of purchasing of metals. Furthermore, the argument mentions that the manager of the purchasing department isn’t aware of the properties of metal and should be transferred to the sales force replacing the manager with a scientist who is aware of the properties of the metal. This argument is relies on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence. Hence, this argument is unconvincing and has several flaws.

First, the argument assumes that knowing the properties of metals will make the purchasing of these metals faster. This statement is questionable and flawed. To illustrate- the role of a purchasing manager is nowhere technical in nature and related to the knowledge of properties of metals. The purchasing manager’s role is to create a purchase list and procure the items. The scientist decides what metals are to be bought and that order is transferred to the purchasing department which is further fulfilled. Clearly, this statement doesn’t have any relation with possessing knowledge about metals and procuring them. Hence, this argument could’ve been more clearer if it explicitly stated the connection between the properties of metals and procurement.

Secondly, the argument further assumes that the scientist will be a more efficient professional at the purchasing department on the fact that he possesses knowledge of the properties of metals as compared to the purchasing manager. This is again a very weak and unsupported claim or assumption that lacks evidence. To further explain – the scientist may not possess the right knowledge and expertise to handle purchasing and supply logistics business functions for a company, making the process of purchasing even more delayed. Plus, the delay in purchasing of metals cannot be linked to knowing the properties of the metals. There might have been other factors that affected the delay for example- the non- availability of the metal, the price of the metal really expensive, transportation delays. Due to the following reasons this statement is completely flawed and lacks evidence.

Lastly and to conclude, the whole argument discusses a delay in purchasing of metals due to the lack of possessing the knowledge of properties of metals is incorrect. The argument could be strengthened if the factors affecting the delay in purchase of metals could be explicitly mentioned as well as explaining the relation between the assumption of the scientists increased efficiency and the purchasing managers efficiency while performing business functions.

Sajjad1994 · Answer

AWA Score: 5 out of 6!

I have used a GMATAWA auto-grader to evaluate your essay.

Coherence and connectivity: 3.5/5  
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.

Paragraph structure and formation: 5/5   
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.

Vocabulary and word expression: 4/5 
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!

Good Luck

The falling revenues that the company is experiencing coincide with de

Prep Toolkit

Top 5 GMAT Debrief Videos

615 to 715 in 15 Days (Ria's Strategies)

More than Quant/Verbal Abilities: Speed vs. Accuracy

745 with Only Self-Prep and GMAT Club

From 555 to 765: 210-point Improvement

Perfect 805 Score Debrief by Julia

My Rewards