Mental health experts have observed that symptoms of mental illness

Question

Hi All! Here is an AWA prompt with my answer in bold. Please critique it and I hope it's useful.

The following appeared in a memorandum written by the chair of the music department to the president of Omega University.

“Mental health experts have observed that symptoms of mental illness are less pronounced in many patients after group music therapy sessions, and job openings in the music-therapy field have increased during the past year. Consequently, graduates from our degree program for music therapists should have no trouble finding good positions. To help improve the financial status of Omega University, we should therefore expand our music-therapy degree program by increasing its enrollment targets.

The argument concerns the timely issue of university finances, which is frequently discussed in the media. The chair of the music department argues that since job openings in the music-therapy field have increased in the past year, Omega University should expand its music therapy program in order to improve the financial status of the university. The conclusion of the argument may be correct; however, the chair of the music department fails to provide several pieces of key evidence that would allow the reader to reach the stated conclusion. In addition, the argument presents irrelevant data that may be confusing for the reader. Lastly, the argument requires the reader to make assumptions which may or may not be true.

The argument states that job openings in the music-therapy field have increased in the past year and from this premise concludes that graduates should have no trouble finding good positions. There flaws with this reasoning. Firstly, although job openings have increased, the number of good positions may actually have decreased. This would mean that graduates would in fact have more difficulty finding good positions. Secondly, the argument fails to mention how easy it is for graduates to currently find good positions. This is important because if there are currently three good positions for every five graduates and this increases to four good positions for every five graduates, this does not mean that graduates will find it easy to obtain good positions.

The chair writes that to improve the financial status of the university, the music-therapy degree program should be expanded. This requires the reader to make the assumption that the profitability of the program increases with the number of students. If the program operates at a loss per student, increasing the number of students will have a negative effect on the financial status of the university.

The passage opens with a statement regarding the symptoms of mental illness following group therapy sessions. This premise has no bearing on the argument and does not provide any relevant evidence. In fact, by opening with this statement, the author actually confuses the reader.

To strengthen the argument, the author could provide concrete figures on the ease with which graduates are expected to be able to find a good job. This would help to qualify the conclusion that graduates should have no trouble finding good positions. In addition, the author would be well advised to include information regarding the expected change in profitability of the music program with increased enrolment. A breakdown of the expected increase in revenue from the program with an increase in e.g. 5, 10 and 15 students would be beneficial. The author would also do well to consider whether there will be a general increase in music-therapy graduates for the following year. If the number of graduates is expected to rise at a rate greater than the number of good jobs, then this would negatively affect graduate prospects and would be critical flaw in the argument.

To sum up, while the conclusion that the author presents may be valid, the evidence provided does not allow the reader to arrive logically at the conclusion. Including additional evidence would help to strengthen the argument considerably.

vikasstan · Answer

Hi please help in rating this.

The passage presents an argument in which Omega University concludes that it must increase its enrollment target for the music therapy degree program, because there are high openings in the music therapy industry over the last one year. The evidence used to explain this trend is based on a study by mental health experts, claiming that symptoms of mentall illness become less pronounced in many patients as they participate in group music therapy sessions. The overall explanation and its conclusion relies on weak evidence and assumptions, which are questioned below.

Firstly, the plan assumes that job openings available now are likely to exist even in the future. Its supporting evidence is the current state of the job market, but there is no data cited that can explain sustainable future opportunities.

Secondly, the argument assumes that all graduates of the mental therapy course will be able to match the requirements of the jobs currently available in the market. There needs to be a thorough understanding of whether the graduates from the university are required to undergo training programs post their education for a few months or years before they are even qualified to fulfill the requirements of the job on offer.

Finally, the conclusion that the college must increase its enrollment targets could work contrary to what the college seeks out to do in the first place. An oversupply might cause a reduction in the overall quality of the graduates coming from Omega University and might actually work against it in the future, even affecting its other courses.

Therefore, the university needs to keep a fine balance instead, by not increasing the quantity of supply of graduates in the market and investing more in quality of training programs, internship opportunities and facility provisions to its existing students. This will eventually also lead to an increase in enrollment into its other programs due to a jump in its overall quality standards.

redabkf · Answer

Hi everybody!
Here is my version of this AWA with my answer in quotes. Please come up with as much critiques and comments as you can!

Thanks in advance.

@s · Answer

Hi Everyone ... Please review my essay. Thank you

The following appeared in a memorandum written by the chair of the music department to the president of Omega University. “Mental health experts have observed that symptoms of mental illness are less pronounced in many patients after group music therapy sessions, and job openings in the music-therapy field have increased during the past year. Consequently, graduates from our degree program for music therapists should have no trouble finding good positions. To help improve the financial status of Omega University, we should therefore expand our music-therapy degree program by increasing its enrollment targets. ***** The given excerpt is taken from the memorandum written by the chair of the music department to the president of the Omega University in which the author suggests to expand the enrollment targets in music-therapy degree program to improve the University's financial status based on the observation of mental health experts that the music therapy sessions help reduce the mental illness in many patients. Though the suggestion seems appealing, it lacks proper evidence on which the observation is based and the conclusion is derived. First, the assumption on which the argument is based is that the music therapy sessions alone helped in reducing mental illness symptoms in patients. However, this observation requires solid grounds to back it up as it is possible that the group music therapy session worked with the medicines given to patients and a study to analyse the contribution of music session and the medicine in reducing illness symptoms. Hence, a comparative study must be done to arrive at any conclusion. Second, the author does not provide any details on the degree of improvment in patients whether the symptoms were reduced temporarily or it was a long term improvement. Moreover, the university cannot rely on the enrollments in music degree program completely because the number of enrollments depends on the students having interest in music therapy and on the awareness of this observation amongst potential students. Furthermore, the enrollments also depends on the number and ranking of universities offering such courses. Finally, the music therapy session depends on the patients' interst in music also. If there are fewer patients who like music then this therapy could not work on them and hence, could be ineffective. In conclusion, the author's argument is flawed. the author fails to present any relevant evidence that would convince the reader of his position. If he had presented the examples and substantiated his argument with clear evidence, it would have stregthened his conclusion. The argument in its current form is unpersuasive and requires a detailed study.

yashgmat7895 · Answer

Hi, please help me evaluate my essay.

The argument claims that in-order to help improve the financial status of Omega University, it should expand its music therapy degree program by increasing the enrollment targets as it has been observed by mental health experts that symptoms of mental illness are less pronounced in many patients after group music therapy sessions and there has been increase in the number of job openings in the music therapy industry. Stated in this way, the argument fails to mention the relevant facts on basis of which it could be evaluated. The claims made in the argument are based on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence hence the argument is rather weak and unconvincing.
First, the argument readily assumes that graduates from degree program at Omega University for music therapists should not have trouble in finding jobs at good positions in the filed of music therapy. The statement is a stretch and is not substantiated in any manner. There is no co-relation between having a degree and getting a job. Prospective employers look for the required skillsets in a candidate who has applied for the role and it is possible that graduates from Omega University might not be able to secure a job because the curriculum at the university does not equip the students with the right practical experience. To evaluate the job perspectives of future graduates from this university, one needs to know about the number of students who have landed a job in music therapy industry after graduating from the university.
Second, the argument claims that increasing the enrollment targets will improve the financial status of Omega university. This again is a weak and unsupported claim. Increasing the number of students in the degree program might require the university to spend money on developing the required infrastructure like building classrooms, employing more professors etc. for accommodating higher number of students which may be a barrier to improving the financial status. We do not have information on the amount of profit the university will make by enrolling more students for the program.
In conclusion, the argument is rather weak and flawed as it lacks the relevant data which is required to make the claims that have been made by the author. The argument could be considerably strengthened if it provided data of placements for previous years from Omega university and also the amount of money that the university would have to spend to accommodate more students into the program. In order to assess the merits of a certain situation, one needs to have full knowledge of all the contributing factors.

Sajjad1994 · Answer

Hello there

Please format this essay; make paragraphs. Always post your essay in the format you will be posting during your exam.

Thank you

yashgmat7895 · Answer

Hi, please help me rate my essay.

The argument claims that in-order to help improve the financial status of Omega University, it should expand its music therapy degree program by increasing the enrollment targets as it has been observed by mental health experts that symptoms of mental illness are less pronounced in many patients after group music therapy sessions and there has been increase in the number of job openings in the music therapy industry. Stated in this way, the argument fails to mention the relevant facts on basis of which it could be evaluated. The claims made in the argument are based on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence hence the argument is rather weak and unconvincing.

First, the argument readily assumes that graduates from degree program at Omega University for music therapists should not have trouble in finding jobs at good positions in the filed of music therapy. The statement is a stretch and is not substantiated in any manner. There is no co-relation between having a degree and getting a job. Prospective employers look for the required skillsets in a candidate who has applied for the role and it is possible that graduates from Omega University might not be able to secure a job because the curriculum at the university does not equip the students with the right practical experience. To evaluate the job perspectives of future graduates from this university, one needs to know about the number of students who have landed a job in music therapy industry after graduating from the university.

Second, the argument claims that increasing the enrollment targets will improve the financial status of Omega university. This again is a weak and unsupported claim. Increasing the number of students in the degree program might require the university to spend money on developing the required infrastructure like building classrooms, employing more professors etc. for accommodating higher number of students which may be a barrier to improving the financial status. We do not have information on the amount of profit the university will make by enrolling more students for the program.

In conclusion, the argument is rather weak and flawed as it lacks the relevant data which is required to make the claims that have been made by the author. The argument could be considerably strengthened if it provided data of placements for previous years from Omega university and also the amount of money that the university would have to spend to accommodate more students into the program. In order to assess the merits of a certain situation, one needs to have full knowledge of all the contributing factors.

Sajjad1994 · Answer

AWA Score: 5.5 out of 6

I have used a GMAT AWA auto-grader to evaluate your essay.

Coherence and connectivity: 3.5/5  
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.

Paragraph structure and formation: 5/5   
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.

Vocabulary and word expression: 4/5 
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!

Good Luck

jim441 · Answer

Please grade it, writing AWA for the first time.

The argument claims that in order to increase the financial status of Omega University, it should increase the enrolment targets in its music therapy class. The conclusion of the argument is based on the premise that music therapy has been found effective by mental health experts and job openings in this field have increased during past year. The conclusion of the argument relies on the assumption for which there is no clear evidence, hence the argument is unconvincing and has several flaws.

First, the argument assumes that the symptoms of mental illness in patients have been found less pronounced after the music therapy session, however argument does not mention the nature of the study on the basis of which this observation is made. It is therefore quite possible that this observation is based on a general survey rather than full fledged medical study..

Second, the argument states that job openings in music therapy field have increased during past year. This is again very weak claim as it has not provided any data to justify this claim. It is quite possible that music therapy field has a very limited scope and only few more jobs were created during last year. Without any significant data, it can’t be stated that the graduates with music therapy will find jobs easily.

Finally, the argument fails to reveal the number of patients who have felt improvement after the session. It is possible that only handful of patients have actually felt any improvement in their symptoms, hence the effectiveness of music therapy sessions can’t be justified.

In conclusion, the argument is flawed for the above mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. Based upon the given premisies, it can’t be decided that the Omega University should expand it’s music therapy degree or not. Without any further knowledge and data, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open for debate.

Sajjad1994 · Answer

AWA Score: 5 out of 6

Coherence and connectivity: 4.5/5  
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.

Paragraph structure and formation: 4/5  
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.

Vocabulary and word expression: 3.5/5  
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!

Good Luck

muskannn1 · Answer

Response Essay:

The author states that to help improve the financial status of Omega University, they should expand the music-therapy degree program. This statement is based on the premise that Mental Health Experts have observed that symptoms of mental health illness are less prominent in many patients after group music-therapy sessions. He also claims that the job openings in this field have increased during the previous year and thus, the graduates of Omega University will have no trouble finding good positions. Stated in this way, the argument fails to mention several key factors, that could call the conclusion to question. Also, the conclusion relies on unstated assumptions and unsupported claims, for which no clear evidence exists. The argument is rather weak, unconvincing, and falls apart at the seams.

First, the author readily assumes that the reason behind the betterment and recovery of the patients suffering from mental illness is solely due to the music-therapy sessions. This statement is a stretch and not substantiated in any way. There are numerous possible factors that could have contributed to reducing the symptoms in the patients. For instance, it could be the medicines given to these patients that helped them in reducing their symptoms. Another possible explanation can be the integration of yoga and brain exercises along with medicines that helped in reducing the symptoms. The author fails to demonstrate any correlation between the music-therapy and the recovery statistics of the patients. If the argument had provided some statistical data to strengthen this correlation, then the argument would have been a lot more convincing.

Second, the author claims that the graduates of Omega University will not have to struggle to find good positions. This is again a very weak and unsupported claim as the argument does not provide any evidence regarding the job roles or requirements of the job position. Also, the author does not provide any raw figures as to how many jobs were created or how many of its graduates got placed in good companies. Apart from this, it is also possible that these job openings that are available now might not exist in the future as the marketplace changes with time. Another possibility can be the cutting-off of the music-therapy technology as various new technologies grab the market and replace traditional methods. Without convincing answers to these questions, one is left with the impression that the claim is wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence.

Finally, the argument concludes that increasing the enrollment targets will improve the financial status of Omega university. This again is a weak and unsupported claim. Increasing the number of students in the degree program might require the university to spend money on developing the infrastructure like building classrooms, employing more professors, etc. to accommodate a higher number of students which may be a barrier to improving the financial status. Also, the number of enrollments depends upon various factors, for example, the reputation and ranking of the university, the interest of the student in the program, the future scope of the program, job opportunities, etc, so the university cannot solely depend upon the music-therapy program to run more profitably. Moreover, we do not have information on the amount of profit the university will make by enrolling more students in the program. As a result, this conclusion has no legs to stand on.

In summary, the argument is flawed and therefore unconvincing due to the aforementioned faulty assumptions. It could be considerably strengthened if the author clearly mentioned all the relevant facts. In order to assess the merits of a certain situation, it is essential to have full knowledge of all contributing factors. Without this information, the argument remains unconvincing and open to debate.

Sajjad1994 · Answer

AWA Score: 5.5 - 6 out of 6

Coherence and connectivity: 5/5  
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.

Paragraph structure and formation: 4.5/5   
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.

Vocabulary and word expression: 4.5/5  
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!

Good Luck

Aneri15 · Answer

The given passage discusses the positive impact of music therapy on mental health. It states that the recovery for the patients who undergo music therapy experiences an upward incline, and so do the career opportunities in that field. Having said that, the passage goes so far as to suggest that Omega College should also take advantage of this and broaden its degree program to incorporate music therapy as part of its curriculum. The following argument has several flaws that call the conclusion into question, as explained in the subsequent paragraphs.

Firstly, there is no clear evidence about the sample size of the pool of patients under assessment with respect to their strength and degree of severity of their illness. "Many" is a loose and relative word to concretely determine the effectiveness of music therapy. Furthermore, the group undergoing this therapy might already be on the verge of recovery. In that case, it is possible that their recovery may be impending, and that the music therapy may have little or no role to play. Furthermore, it is mentioned in the passage that after the session, the illness is less pronounced, another relative word that is not creditable enough to draw a firm conclusion. On top of that, it is nowhere mentioned as to how the improvement in the mental state of the patients is measured. The following gaps of information make it difficult to testify to the claim with certainty.

Secondly, the passage states that the job openings in the field of music therapy have increased as compared to the previous year. However, there is no information as to by what number or percentage. The region experiencing this upward climb in openings is also not mentioned. Thus, it is possible that this increase is not anywhere within the reach of Omega University's recruits, making it illogical to consider opening a new degree program here, purely based on the following statistic.

Finally, the financial status of Omega University is known to improve if a degree program in music therapy were to open here. Nevertheless, there is no information regarding the interest of students in pursuing this course, or the fees of enrollment. If the fees are too high, it might discourage the students from enrolling in this course, making the initiative counterproductive. This may also lead to the cost of investment such as highering new teachers, not being recovered in case of a small turnaround number. In that case, the financial status of the University would not improve but instead disprove.

Therefore, the above-mentioned reasons serve to weaken the claim of the passage. There are several information gaps and loose words that cast doubt on the credibility of the argument. If these were resolved in favor of the claim, one could assert the given position with more certainty.

Sajjad1994 · Answer

AWA Score: 5.5 - 6 out of 6

Coherence and connectivity: 5.5
The essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and connectivity. The ideas are logically organized and presented in a clear manner. The writer effectively connects the flaws in the argument to the overall conclusion. However, there could be slight improvements in transitions between paragraphs to enhance the overall flow.

Word structure: 5.5
The essay utilizes a range of vocabulary and effectively expresses ideas. The sentences are generally well-structured and demonstrate a good command of grammar. There are a few instances where sentence structures could be further varied to enhance the overall writing style.

Paragraph structure and formation: 6
The essay follows a clear paragraph structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point and provides sufficient explanation and analysis. The ideas are well-developed within each paragraph, and the essay as a whole has a cohesive structure.

Language and Grammar: 6
The essay demonstrates strong language and grammar skills. The writer effectively communicates their ideas with clarity and precision. There are only minor grammatical errors or inconsistencies, which do not significantly hinder understanding.

Vocabulary and word expression: 6
The writer displays a wide range of vocabulary and uses words appropriately to express their ideas. The essay incorporates specialized terms, such as "music therapy" and "mental health experts," which contribute to the effectiveness of the argument. The vocabulary choices are varied and demonstrate a good command of language.

Overall, the essay exhibits a strong level of writing skill and effectively evaluates the given argument. It provides a clear analysis of the reasoning and use of evidence while highlighting the flaws in the argument. The essay demonstrates coherence and connectivity, a strong word structure, well-organized paragraph formation, proficient language and grammar usage, and a good vocabulary and word expression.

Mental health experts have observed that symptoms of mental illness

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