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hamidmax
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Happy to help! Let me answer your questions one at a time.

hamidmax

1- one of Manhattan books regarding to AWA & integrated reasoning suggests writing as much as we can, in other words, the book recommends making wordy and lengthy sentences (ex: more than 24 words per sentence) , however , you urged me to write shorter. would you please elaborate more. I am not an English speaker, as a result I am not able to convey and express my meaning well and I have to write more in order to say my opinion in a better way.

Any good writing will vary sentence length. So I wouldn't advocate that you write all short sentences or all long sentences. You need to demonstrate your ability to deal with lengthy ideas in a sentence, but you need to balance this with shorter sentences that are direct and poignant. If you want to write longer sentences, aim to form compound-complex sentences. You need to build these as individual units and then combine them together in a sentence.

The Manhattan books are generally good and give sound advice. Ultimately, and unfortunately, essays that are longer receive a higher score. That is just the way it works out. So don't feel like you have to have a lot of long sentences. Just aim to write as much as you can in short and long sentences.

hamidmax

2- the construction "citing.... the argument claims that...." was not created by myself, I saw it from some samples, although I agree with you that it is somehow awkward. I will never write it in that way. and for last parts of my writing I did not rush to finish it , in fact, I did not know what I had to write for conclusion. Later, I saw some examples and now I know how to finish it. My questions is: will I get a 4 score,if instead of just asking some questions in my forth paragraph, I explain another flaw and support my idea? I mean you gave me score 3 and I want to know what may major problem is.

There is nothing wrong with that format: "citing.... the argument claims that...." You can use this just don't pack it so full of information to make it awkward. For example,

"Citing the evidence from the color film producing industry, the argument claims that Olympic Foods can anticipate a decrease its processing costs."

Yes, you should discuss another flaw or pose one question and spend the entire paragraph answering the question. This would be an effective use of your time at the end. I gave you a 3 because the last part of your essay was not as strong as the beginning, your committed some grammatical errors, and your phrasing was awkward and cumbersome at times. If you can correct these issues, you can achieve a 4.

hamidmax

3- I live in an underdeveloped country and here we have no class for GMAT preparation and we also have no GMAT test center, so I have to travel another country to take the exam. So finding study materials is substantially difficult to me and I have nobody to give him or her to assess my writing. Is there a way I send you my writings ( once per week) and you evaluate them? I know how busy you are but since I`ll take the exam in next 3 weeks, I do not know what I have to do.

Unfortunately, I can't make any promises, but feel free to send me an essay once a week and I'll try to send you feedback. I understand how hard it can be to practice the writing section in some places in the world. If you don't mind me asking, what question do you live in?

I spent a lot of time working with students from many different countries helping them prepare for the GMAT and GRE. So, I know how difficult the writing portion of the test can be. So just send me a message with the prompt and the essay and I will try to find time to at least send you a little feedback.

I hope that I have been able to help! :) Again, let me know if I can make anything more clear.

Kevin
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Dear Kevin,

I have one week to the exam and I appreciate if you evaluate and rate my AWA. I hope this time you read an improved writing in comparison to the previous one.

Thanks in advance,



“This past winter, 200 students from Waymarsh State College traveled to the state capitol building to protest against proposed cuts in funding for various state college programs. The other 12,000 Waymarsh students evidently weren’t so concerned about their education: they either stayed on campus or left for winter break. Since the group who did not protest is far more numerous, it is more representative of the state’s college students than are the protesters. Therefore the state legislature need not heed the appeals of the protesting students.”




Citing the number of students who did not protest is much more than that of students who protested, the argument claims that state legislature need not pay attention to the demands of protesting students. Although the argument may appear well-founded at a superficial level, a critical assessment indicates otherwise. Stated in this way, the argument fails to address several key factors, on the basis of which its reasoning could be evaluated. Consequently, the conclusion relies on assumptions for which there is a paucity of evidence; hence, the argument is fallacious and ultimately unconvincing.

First, the argument readily assumes that just 200 students from Waymarsh State College traveled to the state capitol building in order to protest against the proposed cuts, however, the argument does not evaluate this fact that there might other protesting students in Waymarsh State College who were not able to travel to the state building for protesting against the proposed cuts. Thus, if the argument had mentioned the precise number of angry students about the cuts and had shown a better picture of the atmosphere among students about the cuts, the argument would have been much clearer.

Second, the argument claims that since the other 12,00 Waymarsh State College students either stayed on campus or left for winter break, they were not concerned about the proposed cuts, nonetheless, this is again a weak claim since the reason why those 12,00 students did not protest could be they were not aware of the plan of protesting against the cuts and 200 students had traveled to Waymarsh State College in order to protest, so if they had known about the protest, they would have been participate the protest. If the argument had determined whether those 1200 students were aware of protest or not, the claim would have been more strengthened.

Finally, the argument states since the number of students who did not protest is far more than the number of protesting students, it is more representative of the state`s college students than are the protesters. This statement is a stretch because in all communities in which members are unhappy about a decision just a limited number of all distressed members start protesting. In fact, since some people are shy or they do not have this ability to express their ideas freely and without fear, they do not participate in protests. So this claim that the number of protesting students is fewer than that of those who did not protest does not demonstrate just a limited number of students are not satisfied with the proposed cuts.

In conclusion, the argument is flawed for the aforementioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. In order to assess all merits of the argument, it is essential to have full knowledge of all relevant facts. The conclusion could be considerably strengthened, if the author mentioned all the corresponding factors pertaining to the exact number of angry students, whether those 1200 students were aware of protest, and the personality of students regarding protesting. Without this information, the argument remains unsubstantiated and vulnerable to criticism.
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Happy to help! I hope I haven't kept you waiting too long! :)

Overall: 4

Positives: I think that you made some great gains. You are more clear and precise in your language overall. The essay is balanced from paragraph to paragraph. You don't commit as many errors in grammar too. Also, I think you do a nice job of analyzing flaws, although at times I was hoping for more detail.

Places to Improve:

I suggest cutting a sentence in your introduction. This sentence doesn't convey a lot of meaning, doesn't push the introduction forward at all, and takes up time and space.

hamidmax

Citing the number of students who did not protest is much more than that of students who protested, the argument claims that state legislature need not pay attention to the demands of protesting students. Although the argument may appear well-founded at a superficial level, a critical assessment indicates otherwise. Stated in this way, the argument fails to address several key factors, on the basis of which its reasoning could be evaluated. Consequently, the conclusion relies on assumptions for which there is a paucity of evidence; hence, the argument is fallacious and ultimately unconvincing.

Run-on sentence and an error with your numbers: 12,000:
hamidmax

Second, the argument claims that since the other 12,00 Waymarsh State College students either stayed on campus or left for winter break, they were not concerned about the proposed cuts, nonetheless, this is again a weak claim since the reason why those 12,00 students did not protest could be they were not aware of the plan of protesting against the cuts and 200 students had traveled to Waymarsh State College in order to protest, so if they had known about the protest, they would have been participate the protest.

Need to use "that" in this formulation—"states that"
hamidmax
Finally, the argument states since the number of students...

If you can write an essay like this on test day, you will be in good shape. Try to limit your errors as much as possible and provide an in-depth analysis of the flaws and you will be on track for a score of 4 or higher!

Best of luck on test day! :)
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