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Hi GMAT Experts,
I plan to take my test this month but I am not sure about my AWA skills, therefore, I request you to review and rate my essay so that I can improve on the gaps.
Below is the topic and essay. Kindly help. Thanks
An article in a magazine devoted to regional life:
“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies.”
The argument that Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location, is flawed. The conclusion drawn above is based on weak and vague claims. Author instead of using vague terms like “Corporations”, “lower than” and “more than”, could have used more specific terms and figures in support of the conclusion.
Firstly, the use of term “Corporations” itself is vague. A corporation can be classified into varied streams, which includes service providing corporations, private corporations, non-profit corporations and many more. For instance, where on one hand a corporation can be one a group of architects/veterinarians/accountants/lawyers etc., on the other hand, a corporation can be one that provides non-public services such as manufacturing or banking. Thus, without specifying a particular stream or sector of industry that prevails in the city of Helios, we cannot conclude that all the varied forms of corporations will be able to get opportunities in the region of Helios.
Secondly, the author has failed to effectively produce evidence in support of the claim and those produced are not well connected. The claim that the rate of unemployment was “lower” than the regional average does not provide any information about the sector of industry that faced recession. It may be possible that the recession, in which the city of Helios stood well while others faced unemployment, was brought about in the Manufacturing sector while the Corporation, who is looking for new opportunities or a new location, belongs to some other sector such as one formed to purchase real property. In such a case a comparison cannot be established and one cannot guarantee opportunities.
Furthermore, as has been mentioned in the argument, the city is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies. Thus, where it might prove to be a boon for an IT corporation to move to the city of Helios, it may not promise or guarantee opportunities for other corporations which might not have anything to do with technology and innovation. Therefore, without considering the entire category of corporations and their varied aspects, we cannot conclude if a particular region would prove to be promising the entire market.
Thus, we see that the argument is based on weak unrelated evidences. To draw conclusions that pertain to big corporation which involve huge fiscals, substantive knowledge of the entire market of varied corporations and all the contributing factors is extremely crucial. Had the argument addressed to the above mentioned key factors and had it been more specific rather than making use of vague terms such as “Corporations”, it would have been more persuasive. Also, when drawing such conclusions that involve huge capital, evidences should be based on actual figures and stats rather than mere comparisons such as “lower than” and “more than”. In order to make this a substantive argument, more analysis of the city of Helios is necessary to find out the Corporations that have scope of growth and new opportunities in the region. This can be achieved by carrying out surveys of recent past and in turn estimating trends of the near future.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I plan to take my test this month but I am not sure about my AWA skills, therefore, I request you to review and rate my essay so that I can improve on the gaps.
Below is the topic and essay. Kindly help. Thanks
An article in a magazine devoted to regional life:
“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies.”
The argument that Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location, is flawed. The conclusion drawn above is based on weak and vague claims. Author instead of using vague terms like “Corporations”, “lower than” and “more than”, could have used more specific terms and figures in support of the conclusion.
Firstly, the use of term “Corporations” itself is vague. A corporation can be classified into varied streams, which includes service providing corporations, private corporations, non-profit corporations and many more. For instance, where on one hand a corporation can be one a group of architects/veterinarians/accountants/lawyers etc., on the other hand, a corporation can be one that provides non-public services such as manufacturing or banking. Thus, without specifying a particular stream or sector of industry that prevails in the city of Helios, we cannot conclude that all the varied forms of corporations will be able to get opportunities in the region of Helios.
Secondly, the author has failed to effectively produce evidence in support of the claim and those produced are not well connected. The claim that the rate of unemployment was “lower” than the regional average does not provide any information about the sector of industry that faced recession. It may be possible that the recession, in which the city of Helios stood well while others faced unemployment, was brought about in the Manufacturing sector while the Corporation, who is looking for new opportunities or a new location, belongs to some other sector such as one formed to purchase real property. In such a case a comparison cannot be established and one cannot guarantee opportunities.
Furthermore, as has been mentioned in the argument, the city is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies. Thus, where it might prove to be a boon for an IT corporation to move to the city of Helios, it may not promise or guarantee opportunities for other corporations which might not have anything to do with technology and innovation. Therefore, without considering the entire category of corporations and their varied aspects, we cannot conclude if a particular region would prove to be promising the entire market.
Thus, we see that the argument is based on weak unrelated evidences. To draw conclusions that pertain to big corporation which involve huge fiscals, substantive knowledge of the entire market of varied corporations and all the contributing factors is extremely crucial. Had the argument addressed to the above mentioned key factors and had it been more specific rather than making use of vague terms such as “Corporations”, it would have been more persuasive. Also, when drawing such conclusions that involve huge capital, evidences should be based on actual figures and stats rather than mere comparisons such as “lower than” and “more than”. In order to make this a substantive argument, more analysis of the city of Helios is necessary to find out the Corporations that have scope of growth and new opportunities in the region. This can be achieved by carrying out surveys of recent past and in turn estimating trends of the near future.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
