2 Essays looking for advice

Question

The limit on these essays is 250 words so I had to condense these a fair bit. I'm looking for any content/grammar suggestions. I have taken names out to try to avoid any objectivity that those names may imply. Any help is greatly appreciated.

Required Essay #1: What are your career goals? Why did you decide to pursue an MBA degree at this point in your career?

While crafting a plan in the waning days of my undergraduate education, I understood that I would need to get an MBA and to develop specific skills to succeed in corporate finance. Before getting an MBA I knew that I would need to refine a raw set of abilities that had only been tested in academia and in an internship.

I decided to work in consulting and risk management at X because I would be working with executive to develop solutions to financial problems. This particular role taught me how to develop a rapport with executives and gain their trust. It also taught me how executives strategize different aspects of their corporation’s finances. I chose to be a data analyst at Y because I decided that strong analytical skills and data modeling experience would be invaluable to a financier.

With greatly refined abilities I decided it was time to focus on an MBA and found Z to be strong program for several reasons. First, an MBA will give me the tools and understanding necessary to the field of finance. Also, Z has Z & Associates Consulting, which would give me practical experience by doing hands-on work in the real world. Z also has the Educational Investment fund that, again, would be invaluable to my post-MBA goals.

All of these factors combine so that I can procure a job in corporate finance and complete the CFA designation within two years of graduating.

Required Essay #2: Peer learning is an integral part of the Z experience. As you explore important business issues in classroom discussions and team projects, you will have the opportunity to learn from students with experience in other industries and functional areas. What specific contribution will you make to those discussions?

Certain facets of who I am personally and professionally allow me to bring a unique aspect to most situations.

Personally, I am the first in my family to survive the rigors of both high school and college. Being around my family allows me to see how people view the world from a more emotional and common sense viewpoint. Being in college allowed me to understand how structured thought and shrewd logic can dominate one’s view. In practical application these views combined allow me to better understand how the decisions of calculating business people can affect their often less calculating consumers.

Professionally, consulting business owners and analyzing data has given me a powerful framework within which to view business. Consulting business owners allowed me to take a look into how executives view their world and to understand how they make decisions that affect entire organizations and, more importantly, people’s lives. Analyzing data gave me the unique opportunity to see the details that are both the cause and effect of executive level decisions. It is one thing to theoretically understand why decisions are made, but it is completely different to understand the efficiencies and inefficiencies born from those decisions.

These most important lesson gathered from both my professional and personal influences is to understand, and to be empathetic of, other people. Understanding how other people view their world is critical because ultimately all business is done with people. It is these considerations that will allow to me add something to future business school discussions.

jordanhendrix · Answer

OK you want honest? well here it is....In my opinion:
lets start with essay 2:

Most of this essay tells me why you have a unique a viewpoint and that is great (also compelling) but you don't get into what SPECIFIC CONTRIBUTIONS you will bring. This question requires less about why you have a unique viewpoint and more about what that actually is. this is just my opinion and take it for what its worth but here is a quick edit:

Certain facets of who I am personally and professionally allow me to bring a unique aspect to most situations. ....REPETITIVE (I would cut)

I am the first in my family to complete both high school and college. Being around my family allows me to see how people view the world from a more emotional and common sense (emotional and common sense viewpoints are usually considered opposite I would pick emotional here) viewpoint. Being in college allowed me to understand how structured thought and logic can dominate one’s view.(so they use common sense in college?) In practical application these views combined allow me to better understand how the decisions of calculating business people can affect their often less calculating consumers.(ok i get what you're saying but its not specific)

.....Being the first in my family to complete college, coupled with a my diverse professional experience has provided me a unique vantage point into the mind of the consumer and in depth knowledge of business frameworks.....(or something like that)
My X project at Z allows me to talk about Y. <---maybe a couple more examples here (like you start to discuss on the next paragraph) I have worked w/ executives, analyzed data, X, Y, Z, and helped organizations grow. I can talk about this at Your School.

These most important lesson gathered from both my professional and personal influences is to understand, and to be empathetic of, other people. Understanding how other people view their world is critical because ultimately all business is done with people. It is these considerations that will allow to me add something(what is it?) to future business school discussions.<--- I really like your writing and its nice but honestly who cares? Just put yourself into their shoes, they are looking for a way to see what you bring not what you think is the take home lesson of your experience. Stop beating around the bush and tell them.

Ok now essay one suffers from the same thing...I cant quite figure out your career goal is....to be successful in corporate finance? in what way? what industry? This question is asking two things....what are your goals? and Why do YOU need an MBA now?
not why you chose to work at x, or why this school is a good fit. You seem to be looking for compelling material and it is good stuff, but its not what they want here.

250 words means no beating around the bush.

say the goal right away and then give a couple of reasons why this school right now (as opposed to next year) think about timing, you maturity professionally, academically and socially.
......I want to work in X industry at companies such as a,b,c, i need a Y MBA, Im ready because i have the goods to add meaningfully to my class and am finally ready to develop as a business leader......

sk818020 · Answer

Thank you for your suggestions. I will definitely use some of these points in my re-writes. I think you are right in that I am using to much space trying to explain the ancillary points instead of getting right to the point. I think I'll use a more structured "this is what my goals are and this why the MBA would help achieve them" approach. Would you mind reading through the revisions?

jordanhendrix · Answer

not at all, if you want you can PM me if you like

sk818020 · Answer

Here is my rewrite of essay 1. Let me know what you think. I decided to keep reply here so other people could learn, if at all possible. Thanks again!

After graduating from college I decided that my goal was to work in the field of corporate finance for a large company and to become a certified financial analyst. I understood that getting an MBA would be an important part of this process because without it I lacked the skills and knowledge that are necessary to succeed in that field. I also knew that first I needed to get practical experience to refine the skills that had sophomorically developed in my undergraduate program.
I have decided that now is the right time to get an MBA for two reasons. My consulting and data analysis experience have allowed me to mature professionally, to solve problems both theoretically and empirically, and to develop analytical skills that are invaluable to understanding business. Also, now is an ideal time because my professional experiences have become more than sufficient to both substantially contribute to an MBA program and to allow me to develop as a business leader.
I am specifically seeking a X MBA because it has features that would greatly enhance the MBA experience, especially from a finance point of view. X has the Hedge Fund Plan and the Educational Investment Fund which would give me hands-on experience applying theoretical experience in a practical environment. Also, X has several programs where you work directly with companies to help solve their problems. Not only does this develop important skills, but it also allows you to build a relationship, and rapport, with companies before you graduate.

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