Re: Altasirahamad second essay
[#permalink]
01 Jul 2020, 23:17
Altairahmad essay on Olympic Foods
The argument, as stated, is not watertight because the claim that costs go down as organizations learn how to do things better is substantiated by an example which is so open ended t hat it leaves a lot to reader's imagination . Moreover, the results of one industry are being extrapolated to a completely different industry without providing any basis for doing so.
Firstly, the argument claims that the principle holds true because, in the 14-year period, the cost and time has fell substantially. What must be evaluated is that what other factors, if any, could be responsible for this cost reduction. For example, it is possible that as colored pictures became more popular there was an increase in demand, and a number of film processing companies entered the competition, thus reducing the product cost. Furthermore, the argument must consider the possibility that it was the goal of capturing the market share that drove the industry to develop more efficient equipment, which lead to the reduction in cost and processing time and not just the passage of time.
Secondly, the argument assumes that what worked for one type of industry will definitely work for a completely different type of industry as well. The argument does not make an effort to bridge this gap by providing further evidence such as a reference to some other food processing company which has achieved the desired results in a similar span of time. It is also worth pointing out that the argument gives the impression that merely minimizing costs will maximize profits. This relationship is flawed as no information has been provided about how the 25-year experience will help the costs to be minimized . For example, have these 25-years increased the knowledge base of skilled workers necessary to reduce costs? Has this time period helped Olympic Foods develop more efficient equipment to process their frozen food? Etc.
The relationship between time and cost reduction/increased efficiency is presented as linear, as if the mere passage of time automatically helps industries achieve increased profitability. This and other logical gaps presented above leave plenty of room for improvement in the original argument. If the argument were to take into consideration these logical fallacies, it can be made persuasive for the stockholders.
Review
Length -- 372 words – too short.
Construction:
Introduction –Ok-
Body paragraphs – ok
Conclusion—ok, but make it more exciting.
Content:
Grammar: Tolerable and ok. ; Please remember to put a comma before which.
Body Paras
Could have a Para on acknowledging a differential view that would foster more creditability
Thesis statement ---- Available
Transitions --- good use of transitions
Major lacuna: Lack of your own examples to counter the company’s cl aims, precedents to back your premises, alternate proposals, survey results
Proof reading --- Neatly done.
Rating: 5.5/6