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Applied ChineseBurned's AWA Template on 800Score AWA Question

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Applied ChineseBurned's AWA Template on 800Score AWA Question [#permalink]

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New post 26 Feb 2017, 03:40
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Hi All,

I completed few AWA essays recently, and would like to share them with you. I have highlighted the mistakes that I did not notice in last 3 minutes of checking. Noticed them after pasting the content to MS Word. And realize that these mistakes are avoidable.

Source: 800Score (Hope I am not infringing)

In GMAT, because we don't have a spell check to differentiate the wrong spellings from the correct ones, here's a tip for you : As soon as you write a complicated word, double check if you wrote it correctly. It takes less than a second to check.

My first among the few:

Q
In recent years, Braeburn Corporation has seen lagging sales of its food products. Just a few of the many food products Braeburn sells are soy products. Soy products have been shown to reduce rates of cancer. Because people care about reducing their risk of cancer, Braeburn should increase manufacturing of soy products. This will help Braeburn Corporation improve sales and increase profits.

Describe how well reasoned you find this argument. In the discussion be sure to analyze the reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the writer's thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the argument's conclusion. You may also address possible changes in the argument that would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

A
Argument claims that Braeburn Corporation should increase manufacturing soy products to increae the profits. Stated in this way, the argument merely manipulates the facts and presents a distorted view of the situation. It also fails to mention several key factors, on basis of which, it can be evaluated. Conclusion relies on the assumption, for which there is no clear evidence. The argument is rather weak and has several flaws.

First, the argument clearly assumes that the soy products already existing in the Braeburn Corporation are not sufficient to meet the demand of existing customers. While this may be true, the argument fails to provide the evidence for the same. Hence this assumption is a stretch and not substantiated in any way. For instance, if Braeburn Corporation already have enough soy products on the shelf, it is illogical to increase the manufacturing of soy products. This will weaken the conclusion. Conversely, if Braeburn Corporation does not have soy products available, the conclusion is strenthened. As a result, the argument would have been much clearer, if it explicitly stated that the available soy products are not enough to meet the existing demands,.

Second, it also assumes that people who care enough about reducing the risk of cancer are aware of the advantages of soy products in reducing the risks. While this may be true, we are not given evidence of the same. Even if argument stated that people are aware about the advantages, another factor comes into play. It is important to know that the customers would actually prefer soy products over the other products providing the same advanatges. If the argument had provided evidence and examples that a direct link exists between customer's perceived preferences when it comes to reducing risks of cancer and the reality, the argument would have been a lot more convincing.

Finally, the argument concludes that Braeburn Corporation can increase the profits if they increase the manufacturing of soy products. From this statement again, it is not at all clear how Braeburn Corporation can increase the profits. Profits, in general, depends on variety of factors. For instance, the corporation may have to face some emergency costs, which drives up its total costs. This will lead to decrease in overall profits. It also fails to answer how increasing the soy products will improve their sales. It is possible that the customers find that other food products, in general, lack the variety that Braeburn Corporation's competitors provide in their food products. Hence, without supporting evidence and examples from the Braeburn Corporation, one is left with the impression that claim is more of a wishful thinking than a substantive evidence.

In conclusion, the argument is flawed for above mentioned reasons and is, hence, unconvincing. It could be considerably strengthened if the author provided all the relevant facts. In order to asses the merits of the situation, it is important to have complete knowledge of all contributing elements. Without this information, the argument remains open to debate.

Thank you for reading. Feel free to point out mistake/s.
:)
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Re: Applied ChineseBurned's AWA Template on 800Score AWA Question [#permalink]

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New post 01 Mar 2017, 12:20
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Grade: 4.5

I added my comments below. There are multiple grammatical errors. additions in bold. italics means remove.
Your paragraphs are quite good. The grade would be much higher if you applied the template better, which you can easily do with exercise.

The Argument claims that Braeburn Corporation should increase manufacturing soy products to increae the profits. Stated in this way, the argument merely manipulates the facts and presents a distorted view of the situation. It also fails to mention several key factors, on the basis of which, it can be evaluated. The Conclusion relies on the assumption, for which there is no clear evidence {what assumption?}. The argument is rather weak and has several flaws.

First, the argument clearly assumes that the soy products already existing in the Braeburn Corporation are not sufficient to meet the demand of existing customers. While this may be true, the argument fails to provide the evidence for the same. Hence this assumption is a stretch and not substantiated in any way. For instance, if Braeburn Corporation already haves enough soy products on the shelf, it is illogical to increase the manufacturing of soy products. This will weaken the conclusion. Conversely, if Braeburn Corporation does not have soy products available, the conclusion is strenthened. As a result, the argument would have been much clearer, if it explicitly stated that the available soy products are not enough to meet the existing demands,.

Second, it also assumes that people who care enough about reducing the risk of cancer are aware of the advantages of soy products in reducing the risks. While this may be true, we are not given evidence of the same. Even if argument stated that people are aware about the advantages, another factor comes into play. It is important to know that the customers would actually prefer soy products over the other products providing the same advanatges. If the argument had provided evidence and examples that a direct link exists between customer's perceived preferences when it comes to reducing risks of cancer and the reality, the argument would have been a lot more convincing.

Finally, the argument concludes that Braeburn Corporation can increase the profits if they increase the manufacturing of soy products. From this statement again, it is not at all clear how Braeburn Corporation can increase the profits. Profits, in general, depends on a variety of factors. For instance, the corporation may have to face some emergency costs, which drives up its total costs{emergency costs have othing to do with soy products}. This will lead to decrease in overall profits. It also fails to answer how increasing the soy products will improve their sales. It is possible that the customers find that other food products, in general, lack the variety that Braeburn Corporation's competitors provide in their food products. Hence, without supporting evidence and examples from the Braeburn Corporation, one is left with the impression that claim is more of a wishful thinking than a substantive evidence.

In conclusion, the argument is flawed for above mentioned reasons and is, hence, unconvincing {summarize the reasons}. It could be considerably strengthened if the author provided all the relevant facts. In order to asses the merits of the situation, it is important to have complete knowledge of all contributing elements. Without this information, the argument remains open to debate.
Re: Applied ChineseBurned's AWA Template on 800Score AWA Question   [#permalink] 01 Mar 2017, 12:20
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Applied ChineseBurned's AWA Template on 800Score AWA Question

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