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AWA First Essay

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Joined: 02 Jan 2018
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AWA First Essay  [#permalink]

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New post 02 Jan 2018, 17:11
Dear Community.

I just finished my first AWA essay. Would really appreciate your comments and, if possible, a grade from 0 to 6.

Prompt:
The following appeared in the editorial section of a local newspaper

"This past winter, 200 students form Waymarsh State College traveled to the state capitol building to protest against proposed cuts in funding for various state college programs. The other 12.000 Waymarsh students evidently weren´t so concerned about their education: they either stayed on campus or left for winter break. Since the group who did not protest is far more numerous, it is more representative of the state's college students than are the protesters. Therefore the state legislature need not heed the appeals of the protesting students."


My essay:

The newspaper article states that, since just a small proportion of Waymarsh State College’s students protested the funding cuts, protests do not express the point of view of the majority and, hence, the state legislature need not pull back on the aforementioned budget adjustments. This argument presents two flaws, which deal with an inadequate generalization and overconfident conclusions.
First, the article affirms that the students who did not protest weren’t so concerned about their education. This is a faulty argument, since it does not take into account that many students, despite disagreeing with the funding cuts, may not have attended the protests because they had to study or attend lectures. The argument could have been strengthened if the author indicated the students’ proportion that did not protest when they had the chance of doing it.
Additionally, the author confidently states that the state legislature should not pull back on the above-mentioned cuts. This constitutes a noteworthy flaw, because the number of demonstrators should not be the decisive criteria in order to determine whether a certain measure should be maintained or eliminated. Furthermore, as it is explained in the preceding paragraph, many students may not have attended the protests because of academic reasons and deciding to maintain the cuts solely based on the protests’ attendant number omits other important factors that should also be analyzed.
As was described, the argument presented in the article is neither sound nor convincing. The author does not mention any justifiable reason to maintain the funding cuts.


Thank you all very much in advance. :-D

Guillermo.
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Re: AWA First Essay  [#permalink]

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New post 04 Jan 2018, 15:12
Hey Guillermo, I'd grade this a 4.

Thoughts:
You obviously understood the essay and figured out two of its main flaws. However, the essay would be greatly enhanced by a more detailed explanation. It's very short (250 words) - highly scored essays are generally at least twice as long. Consider - a good paragraph is usually at least 120 words, and yours are much shorter. All you need to do is explain your critiques in several more sentences.
Also, notice you have some vocab mistakes. For example, writing "affirms" when you mean something like "asserts"
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Re: AWA First Essay &nbs [#permalink] 04 Jan 2018, 15:12
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