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# Can you please rate my essay

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Intern
Joined: 15 Dec 2010
Posts: 8
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25 Aug 2012, 21:53
Would really really appreciate it, I have my GMAT day after tomorrow and somehow I postponed practicing AWA till today. This is my first attempt.

The following appeared in a memorandum from the assistant manager of Pageturner Books:
“Over the past two years, Pageturner’s profits have decreased by 5 percent, even though we have added a popular café as well as a music section selling CDs and tapes. At the same time, we have experienced an increase in the theft of merchandise. We should therefore follow the example of Thoreau Books, which increased its profits after putting copies of its most frequently stolen books on a high shelf behind the payment counter. By doing likewise with copies of the titles that our staff reported stolen last year, we too can increase profitability.”

Pageturner has added a café and music section to its book shop yet its profits have decreased by 5percent over the past two years. At the same time there has been an increase the number thefts of the merchandises. The author of the argument believes that Pageturner can increase its profits be following Thoreau Books strategy of putting copies of its most frequently stolen books on a high shelf behind the payment counter. The argument makes several questionable assumptions and provides very little evidence to justify its conclusion. Thus, based solely on the evidence presented, it is hard to accept the author’s conclusion.

The primary issue with the argument lies in the assumption that the decrease in profits is mainly due to increased thefts. We need to understand what merchandises are frequently stolen and what is the total value of stolen goods. Is it higher than 5 percent of the revenue? If yes, are the merchandises only books or are a mix of books, music cds and café products. If not, then there are may be other reason for the decrease in profitability and need to be considered.

Second, profit can decrease due to two reasons, either the costs have increased or the revenue decreased. It may be the case that the number of customers of Pageturner has decreased in the last two years or the sales per customer has decreased leading to reduced revenue and thus lower profits. Another case can be that the costs such as employee costs, inventory costs and operational costs, that Pageturner has to incur due to the new café and music section has increased in past two years. This may also lead to decrease in profitability of Pageturner.

Third, the author proposes that to increase profits Pageturner should put copies of its most frequently stolen books on a high shelf behind the payment counter. While this may help in reducing theft to certain extent, what needs to be analyzed whether inaccessibility to books will affect sales as many customers prefer to hold the book and to read the prelude before buying it.

Thus in its current form the author’s argument seems illogical and unconvincing. The author would be able to justify his position considerable if he provided details of the stolen products, their value and product mix.
Kaplan GMAT Instructor
Joined: 25 Aug 2009
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Location: Cambridge, MA
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26 Aug 2012, 18:38
snigdhakul wrote:
Would really really appreciate it, I have my GMAT day after tomorrow and somehow I postponed practicing AWA till today. This is my first attempt.

The following appeared in a memorandum from the assistant manager of Pageturner Books:
“Over the past two years, Pageturner’s profits have decreased by 5 percent, even though we have added a popular café as well as a music section selling CDs and tapes. At the same time, we have experienced an increase in the theft of merchandise. We should therefore follow the example of Thoreau Books, which increased its profits after putting copies of its most frequently stolen books on a high shelf behind the payment counter. By doing likewise with copies of the titles that our staff reported stolen last year, we too can increase profitability.”

Pageturner has added a café and music section to its book shop yet its profits have decreased by 5percent over the past two years. At the same time there has been an increase the number thefts of the merchandises. The author of the argument believes that Pageturner can increase its profits be following Thoreau Books strategy of putting copies of its most frequently stolen books on a high shelf behind the payment counter. The argument makes several questionable assumptions and provides very little evidence to justify its conclusion. Thus, based solely on the evidence presented, it is hard to accept the author’s conclusion.

The primary issue with the argument lies in the assumption that the decrease in profits is mainly due to increased thefts. We need to understand what merchandises are frequently stolen and what is the total value of stolen goods. Is it higher than 5 percent of the revenue? If yes, are the merchandises only books or are a mix of books, music cds and café products. If not, then there are may be other reason for the decrease in profitability and need to be considered.

Second, profit can decrease due to two reasons, either the costs have increased or the revenue decreased. It may be the case that the number of customers of Pageturner has decreased in the last two years or the sales per customer has decreased leading to reduced revenue and thus lower profits. Another case can be that the costs such as employee costs, inventory costs and operational costs, that Pageturner has to incur due to the new café and music section has increased in past two years. This may also lead to decrease in profitability of Pageturner.

Third, the author proposes that to increase profits Pageturner should put copies of its most frequently stolen books on a high shelf behind the payment counter. While this may help in reducing theft to certain extent, what needs to be analyzed whether inaccessibility to books will affect sales as many customers prefer to hold the book and to read the prelude before buying it.

Thus in its current form the author’s argument seems illogical and unconvincing. The author would be able to justify his position considerable if he provided details of the stolen products, their value and product mix.

Hi,

This is a good start! Structurally, you're doing quite well. However, to get a 6, you'll need a little more. Spend more time on specifics--what information exactly do we need? Precisely what do we need to know about costs, thefts, and profits to evaluate it? Also, be careful with your grammar. It falls apart towards the end--I'm guessing you're rushed? And your last sentence, for instance, is extremely hard to understand. For those reason,s you'd get a 4.

I hope this helps!
_________________

Eli Meyer
Kaplan Teacher
http://www.kaptest.com/GMAT

Prepare with Kaplan and save $150 on a course! Kaplan Reviews Intern Joined: 15 Dec 2010 Posts: 8 Followers: 0 Kudos [?]: 1 [0], given: 0 Re: Can you please rate my essay [#permalink] ### Show Tags 26 Aug 2012, 20:37 Thank you very much... I really appreciate it. Here is another attempt. If you get time, please let me know if there is any improvement in this one. The following appeared as part of a business plan recommended by the new manager of a musical rock group called Zapped. “To succeed financially, Zapped needs greater name recognition. It should therefore diversify its commercial enterprises. The rock group Zonked plays the same type of music that Zapped plays, but it is much better known than Zapped because in addition to its concert tours and four albums, Zonked has a series of posters, a line of clothing and accessories, and a contract with a major advertising agency to endorse a number of different products.” Discuss how well reasoned... etc. The manager of rock group called Zapped has recommended that in order to become financially successful Zapped needs a greater name recognition. To support his recommendation, the manager has cited the case of rock band called Zonked which plays similar music but is much more successful. While the recommendation of the manager may well have some merit, but solely on the evidence given, it is difficult to accept his recommendation as valid. The primary issue with the recommendation is the assumption that the commercial success of Zonked is due to greater name recognition because of its series of posters, line of clothing and accessories and contract with advertising agency and not because of more popular music. The manager has not provided any information on the relative popularity of both the bands in the area. As an example, Puravish and Easter are both jazz bands in India yet the music of Puravish is much more popular than Easter. Thus Puravish enjoys higher number of endorsements and has its line of clothing and merchandises leading to higher commercial success. The manager fails to prove that a similar case does not exist with Zapped and Zonked. In addition, the manager also assumes that if Zapped tried to increase its commercial enterprise by introducing a series of posters, line of clothing, etc., it will definitely lead to higher financial success. What if the music of Zapped is unheard of or unpopular? In such a case, people will not be interested in buying Zapped merchandises. The manager has not provided any information on the number of albums released by Zapped. Moreover, were the albums a hit? In sum, in its current form, the manager has made a lot of unanswered assumptions in his recommendation and thus is not convincing. The manager can significantly strengthen his recommendation by providing data on whether the music of both the groups is equally popular or not. Plus he should provide information on the number of concerts and albums that Zapped has released. Kaplan GMAT Instructor Joined: 25 Aug 2009 Posts: 644 Location: Cambridge, MA Followers: 85 Kudos [?]: 287 [0], given: 2 Re: Can you please rate my essay [#permalink] ### Show Tags 28 Aug 2012, 10:39 snigdhakul wrote: Thank you very much... I really appreciate it. Here is another attempt. If you get time, please let me know if there is any improvement in this one. The following appeared as part of a business plan recommended by the new manager of a musical rock group called Zapped. “To succeed financially, Zapped needs greater name recognition. It should therefore diversify its commercial enterprises. The rock group Zonked plays the same type of music that Zapped plays, but it is much better known than Zapped because in addition to its concert tours and four albums, Zonked has a series of posters, a line of clothing and accessories, and a contract with a major advertising agency to endorse a number of different products.” Discuss how well reasoned... etc. The manager of rock group called Zapped has recommended that in order to become financially successful Zapped needs a greater name recognition. To support his recommendation, the manager has cited the case of rock band called Zonked which plays similar music but is much more successful. While the recommendation of the manager may well have some merit, but solely on the evidence given, it is difficult to accept his recommendation as valid. The primary issue with the recommendation is the assumption that the commercial success of Zonked is due to greater name recognition because of its series of posters, line of clothing and accessories and contract with advertising agency and not because of more popular music. The manager has not provided any information on the relative popularity of both the bands in the area. As an example, Puravish and Easter are both jazz bands in India yet the music of Puravish is much more popular than Easter. Thus Puravish enjoys higher number of endorsements and has its line of clothing and merchandises leading to higher commercial success. The manager fails to prove that a similar case does not exist with Zapped and Zonked. In addition, the manager also assumes that if Zapped tried to increase its commercial enterprise by introducing a series of posters, line of clothing, etc., it will definitely lead to higher financial success. What if the music of Zapped is unheard of or unpopular? In such a case, people will not be interested in buying Zapped merchandises. The manager has not provided any information on the number of albums released by Zapped. Moreover, were the albums a hit? In sum, in its current form, the manager has made a lot of unanswered assumptions in his recommendation and thus is not convincing. The manager can significantly strengthen his recommendation by providing data on whether the music of both the groups is equally popular or not. Plus he should provide information on the number of concerts and albums that Zapped has released. Hi snigdhakul, This is stronger--well done! Your points are better developed, but you're still not there yet on the reasoning. Consider your example: how do we know that Puravish isn't more popular because of its posters, and therefore Zapped should follow Puravish's lead? _________________ Eli Meyer Kaplan Teacher http://www.kaptest.com/GMAT Prepare with Kaplan and save$150 on a course!

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Re: Can you please rate my essay   [#permalink] 28 Aug 2012, 10:39
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