Could you please rate my essay? And highlight the mistakes.
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07 Oct 2015, 10:06
Question:
Our Breakfast Crunch cereal contains at least 20% more vitamin K per serving than any other major cereal on the market. Furthermore, in our surveys, 75% of regular consumers of Breakfast Crunch say that they prefer its taste to that of any other cereal. But obviously, many people are not aware of these benefits of Breakfast Crunch, since its sales figures are low. To increase sales, we need to spread the word about our cereal’s advantages. Therefore, we should completely redesign the front of the Breakfast Crunch box to describe these two features in detail, showing the scientific analysis of the amount of vitamin K in the cereal and the detailed results of our taste surveys.
Answer:
In the passage, the author argues that the company needs to spread words about the benefits of breakfast crunch to increase its sales. Therefore, they should redesign the front of the cereals box to describe the two benefits mentioned in passage, showing the scientific analysis of amount of Vitamin K in the cereal and taste survey's results. The conclusion is based on the facts that the cereal contains at least 20% more vitamin K per serving than any other cereal on the market and it taste better according to the surveys conducted. But, many people are not aware of these benefits of the cereal, since its sales figures are low. However, on deeper analysis, it becomes apparent that certain relevant aspects have not been taken into consideration, leading to a number of mistaken assumptions and logical flaws.
First, the argument readily assumes that because breakfast crunch has more Vitamin K than any other cereal on the market, it is healthier. This assumption is a stretch and not substantiated in any way. There are numerous other cereals that are healthier, although they contain lesser Vitamin K than breakfast crunch does. For instance, Kellogg Corn Flakes contains slightly lesser amount of Vitamin K than does Breakfast Crunch. Yet, Kellogg is healthier and popular as a product. The argument would have been much clearer if it explicitly showed how more Vitamin K results in healthy breakfast crunch.
Second, the author wrongly claims that because many people are not aware of the benefits the cereal contains, its sales are low. This again is a weak and unsupported claim, as the argument does not show any correlation between the people's awareness and the cereals sales. If any such correlations had been mentioned then the argument would have sounded a bit more convincing. In addition, if the argument provided evidence that low sales leads to people not being aware of the benefits, then the argument would be strengthened even more.
Finally, the author concludes that to increase sales the company needs to spread the word about the cereal and redesign the front of the cereal, mentioning the benefits it contains. From this statement again, it is not clear how spreading the word and redesigning lead to increase in sales. Without proper examples, which show that spreading the word and redesigning increase sales, one is left with the impression that the claim is unsubstantiated. As a result, the conclusion has not legs to stand on.
After closer examination of the passage presented, it is apparent that there are several logical flaws. The recommendations in the essay show how the argument may be strengthened and made more logical.