Intern
Joined: 08 Feb 2016
Posts: 1
Given Kudos: 0
GPA: 3.75
WE:Performing Arts (Non-Profit and Government)
Feedback on first AWA write up (only got through half)!
[#permalink]
21 Feb 2016, 18:48
Hi there GMAT community,
Just took a shot at my first AWA write up and would love some feedback to make sure I'm heading in the write direction with content/writing. Of course I spent way too much time on the opening paragraph, any tips/comments/critiques would most certainly be welcome. I definitely need to be faster (and more concise) in writing my flaws and planning my essay. Thanks so much for your time in advance!
Nick
ARGUMENT:
"The falling revenues that the company is experiencing coincide with the delay sin manufacturing. These delays, in turn, are due in large part to poor planning in purchasing metals. Consider further that the manager of the department that handles purchasing of raw materials has an excellent background in general business, psychology, and sociology, but knows little about the properties of metals. The company should, therefore, move the purchasing manager to the sales department and bring in a scientist from the research division to be manager of the purchasing department."
ESSAY:
The manufacturing company of heavy machinery is experiencing falling revenue. The report claims the falling revenue is, essentially, due to poor planning by the manager of the department who handles the purchase of raw materials. The report bases this off of several statements that do not adequately justify the need to move the purchasing manger to the sales department and bring in a scientist from the reseearch divison to replace the position in question. The statements include the report's unclear definition of falling revenues, lack of detail about about "poor planning", and vague description of the current manager of the department.
The report does not adequately define what "falling revenues" is defined as and within what time period. For instance, is the company losing hundreds of dollars, or is the company losing thousands of dollars? Is the loss ony within the past month, or within the past year? Has the company been consistently losing revenue, or is this an outlier, and the usual trend of the company entails gains with revenue? By not clearly stating what kind of falling revenue is ocurring, this severely weakens the report's argument to remove the manager of the department from his/her current position. Most importantly, just because there are falling revenues coinciding with a delay in manufacturing, that does not necessarily mean a causality betweent the two.
In addition, the report does not address what "poor planning" of purchasing materials entails. The report does not define how the manager 's lack of planning attributes to the delays in manufacturing. For instance, if the report gave examples that the company spent one hundred thousand dollars month in raw materials, but utilized