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Guys rate my small TOEFL Writing Task!

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Guys rate my small TOEFL Writing Task!  [#permalink]

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New post 08 Dec 2017, 04:58
Hey guys, I really need some quick rating here. Pretty sure I screwed up. In case you are wondering, it's intentional that I didn't correct my misspells (to post it as raw as is). I feel like I should have addressed it point by point instead of cramming it all in there but see for yourselves:

"Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Young people enjoy life more than older people do"

My response:
"I generally agree with this statement, as I myself am young and couldn't know otherwise. The reason I say this is simply because time changes our perception of things, and I couldn't bring myself to actually believe that I would know what it's like being an older person. Both young, and old people have their own advantages for being in the age group they are.
For instance, young people generally benefit from being in greater physical shape than older people are. Young people tend to be more active, and enjoying life in their own way, away from many of the responsibilities that the elderly have. But I definitely have a couple of points I would like to point out on behalf of the elderly
Depending on how old they are, they usually have more time for leisure activities, such as hobbies they tend to pick up, or spending time with their grandchildren. I feel like sometimes a young heart is running in such a high pace, that he might miss the little things that the elderly already went through and all of a sudden realize how precious it is.
I think that when older people tell younger people about their past, by telling them how much they enjoyed it, they realize how special the time is, being a young person. Obviously, the young usually don't realize this, rightfully so, like I mentioned, in my opinion only time can change the perception of things.
In addition to all of this, younger people have more exctiement going on, girlfriends, school, work and friends which might seem boring to have, while at the same time would be seem to be rather boring to live without. Older people do have a pretty special bond with their children and grand children though, while it is sometimes tough to manage the responsibilities of having build a family, it is also a special thing to have, that young people seem to miss. So yeah, I think both have their adventages, but I agree, young people enjoy life more than older people do. The excitement, the drama and the young heart doesn't draw the short straw here. "
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New post 08 Dec 2017, 10:36
1
Hi!

IMHO, your essay lacks structure and coherence. It was hard for me to follow your ideas. Some parts are contradictory, imo. For example:

You agree that "younger people enjoy life more ..."
Quote:
I generally agree with this statement


and then say that
Quote:
Both young, and old people have their own advantages for being in the age group they are.


The official guide mentions that the raters are looking for:

Raters are looking for:
1. development - the amount and kinds of support for your ideas,
2. organization,
3. language use.

You might find these videos helpful:
https://gmatclub.com/forum/toefl-instru ... 00611.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL9Hv-bdqxI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCkn_5CZrEw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAAqo3NMrq8&t=308s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Y8cm8k2vzU

Also, there are many great debriefs that give great tips:
https://gmatclub.com/forum/my-toefl-exp ... 94099.html
https://gmatclub.com/forum/toefl-debreif-129020.html
https://gmatclub.com/forum/toefl-debrief-253540.html

Hope this helps!

Good luck!
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New post 09 Dec 2017, 02:17
Hi Akela, thanks, I appreciate your input!

I have improved it a little, what do you think?


"I agree, young people do enjoy life more than the older generation does.
I will elaborate on 3 main reasons for having formed this opinion.

First of all, young people naturally tend to be in better shape, physically and mentally, than older people are. They spend most of their time studying and shaping their lifes, building relationships, going out with friends and simply enjoying life. I find that this lifestyle is thrilling, and that alot of older people become rather dull and ordinary in their lifestyle.

Secondly, most young people have different kinds of relationships, some are romantic, some are familial and some are plain pointless. But all of these relationships signal life, and a young heart runs at a higher pace than an older one. What I mean by this is, older people kind of drift away from their friends and pointless relationships. They tend to favor familial relationships, which become boring rather quickly. Their love life is also rather dull, because well, lets face it.. younger people tend to be more sexually active. So this is really where older people draw the short straw, at the point where younger people evolve different kinds of relationships, older people usually drift away from them and become more lonely.

Last but not least, responsibilities. Yes, you heard that right. While older people usually argue about how young people don't have many responsibilities, I tend to think otherwise. Their responsibilities are just more exciting. Depending on how old they are, they have to choose a career, follow a path, sometimes even move to a different place to follow a different goal. All of those points are responsibilities in my eyes, but they don't revolve around sitting at a desk all day just to pay the bill - also known as, older people's responsibilities.

So for those reasons, I find that young people are the clear winner here."
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New post 10 Dec 2017, 11:59
Hi!

Did you watch this video?

https://youtu.be/Ul2OTUqMGqk

I would stick to that format.
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New post 10 Dec 2017, 12:21
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New post 08 Jan 2018, 00:55
Thanks for the valuable information regarding Guys rate my small TOEFL Writing Task. While randomly browsing the internet I also came across another website which was given good information like yours
Re: Guys rate my small TOEFL Writing Task! &nbs [#permalink] 08 Jan 2018, 00:55
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