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# I need some help with my essay

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Intern
Joined: 13 Sep 2013
Posts: 19
Concentration: International Business, Human Resources
GMAT Date: 01-27-2014
I need some help with my essay  [#permalink]

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09 Jun 2014, 12:00
My TOEFL exam is planned for this saturday. I am still practicing for 2 hours per day.

The Reading and Listening section are relatively easy for me. However, speaking and writing stays difficult as a non-native speaker (I am Dutch BTW). I just wrote a couple of sample essays.
Anyone time to review it? Thanks in advance!!

-------------------------------------------

Independent Writing Task:

Question: Some young children spend a great amount of their time participating in sports. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Respons:

Some children love to sport others do not. Spending a great amount of time participating in sports has both advantages and disadvantages. In my opinion, participating in a sport is good for teenagers and has more positive than negative points. This is due to the fact that participating in sports has social and physical advantages.

To begin with, I believe participating in a sport is very healthy for children and will benefit their phsycial condition. When children participate in a sport they exercise which is good for both the body and the mind. For instance, when I was in high school I was a huge fan of cycle racing and I was training for several hours per day. Because I exercised so much I was able to perform better when I had to do my homework. I could focus better and could extent the time I used doing schoolwork because of my good condition.

Furthermore, participating in a sport has advantages based on social aspects. I would especially recommend children to participate in a team sport. When children participate, for example in a team sport such as hockey or soccer they will able to build friendships with similar children. I played soccer when I was 12 years old and I still meet my soccer friends on a regular base. Therefore, I believe building up friendships will affect overall happiness and therefore will enhance school performance.

However, after describing the advantages, I believe that participating in sports should be subordinate to school work. I believe attaining a diploma is much more valuable than spending all the available time on sports. For instance, when I participated in an exchange program I had a friend who spend all his time on sports (basketball). He was never able to meet when he had free time because he had to train, next to his classes, for 4 hours per day. I guess this was a great disadvantage for him because he could not play with friends. Consequently, he was not able to build friendships.

In sum, I believe participating in a sport has more advantages than disadvantages. Children, who spend time on sports will be healthier and they are likely to have more friends. Hence, I recommend children to spend time on sports.
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Joined: 01 Sep 2010
Posts: 3488
Re: I need some help with my essay  [#permalink]

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10 Jun 2014, 13:02
1
Jasper1989 wrote:
My TOEFL exam is planned for this saturday. I am still practicing for 2 hours per day.

The Reading and Listening section are relatively easy for me. However, speaking and writing stays difficult as a non-native speaker (I am Dutch BTW). I just wrote a couple of sample essays.
Anyone time to review it? Thanks in advance!!

-------------------------------------------

Independent Writing Task:

Question: Some young children spend a great amount of their time participating in sports. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Respons:

Some children love to sport others do not. Spending a great amount of time participating in sports has both advantages and disadvantages. In my opinion, participating in a sport is good for teenagers and has more positive than negative points. This is due to the fact that participating in sports has social and physical advantages.

To begin with, I believe participating in a sport is very healthy for children and will benefit their phsycial condition. When children participate in a sport they exercise which is good for both the body and the mind. For instance, when I was in high school I was a huge fan of cycle racing and I was training for several hours per day. Because I exercised so much I was able to perform better when I had to do my homework. I could focus better and could extent the time I used doing schoolwork because of my good condition.

Furthermore, participating in a sport has advantages based on social aspects. I would especially recommend children to participate in a team sport. When children participate, for example in a team sport such as hockey or soccer they will able to build friendships with similar children. I played soccer when I was 12 years old and I still meet my soccer friends on a regular base. Therefore, I believe building up friendships will affect overall happiness and therefore will enhance school performance.

However, after describing the advantages, I believe that participating in sports should be subordinate to school work. I believe attaining a diploma is much more valuable than spending all the available time on sports. For instance, when I participated in an exchange program I had a friend who spend all his time on sports (basketball). He was never able to meet when he had free time because he had to train, next to his classes, for 4 hours per day. I guess this was a great disadvantage for him because he could not play with friends. Consequently, he was not able to build friendships.

In sum, I believe participating in a sport has more advantages than disadvantages. Children, who spend time on sports will be healthier and they are likely to have more friends. Hence, I recommend children to spend time on sports.

It is fairly good but redundant and with a lack of fluency in its unfold.

Indeed, you should consider these aspects and write. Eventually, your essay lacks of consistency.

Hope this helps
_________________
Intern
Joined: 13 Sep 2013
Posts: 19
Concentration: International Business, Human Resources
GMAT Date: 01-27-2014
Re: I need some help with my essay  [#permalink]

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10 Jun 2014, 23:40
carcass wrote:
Jasper1989 wrote:
My TOEFL exam is planned for this saturday. I am still practicing for 2 hours per day.

The Reading and Listening section are relatively easy for me. However, speaking and writing stays difficult as a non-native speaker (I am Dutch BTW). I just wrote a couple of sample essays.
Anyone time to review it? Thanks in advance!!

-------------------------------------------

Independent Writing Task:

Question: Some young children spend a great amount of their time participating in sports. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Respons:

Some children love to sport others do not. Spending a great amount of time participating in sports has both advantages and disadvantages. In my opinion, participating in a sport is good for teenagers and has more positive than negative points. This is due to the fact that participating in sports has social and physical advantages.

To begin with, I believe participating in a sport is very healthy for children and will benefit their phsycial condition. When children participate in a sport they exercise which is good for both the body and the mind. For instance, when I was in high school I was a huge fan of cycle racing and I was training for several hours per day. Because I exercised so much I was able to perform better when I had to do my homework. I could focus better and could extent the time I used doing schoolwork because of my good condition.

Furthermore, participating in a sport has advantages based on social aspects. I would especially recommend children to participate in a team sport. When children participate, for example in a team sport such as hockey or soccer they will able to build friendships with similar children. I played soccer when I was 12 years old and I still meet my soccer friends on a regular base. Therefore, I believe building up friendships will affect overall happiness and therefore will enhance school performance.

However, after describing the advantages, I believe that participating in sports should be subordinate to school work. I believe attaining a diploma is much more valuable than spending all the available time on sports. For instance, when I participated in an exchange program I had a friend who spend all his time on sports (basketball). He was never able to meet when he had free time because he had to train, next to his classes, for 4 hours per day. I guess this was a great disadvantage for him because he could not play with friends. Consequently, he was not able to build friendships.

In sum, I believe participating in a sport has more advantages than disadvantages. Children, who spend time on sports will be healthier and they are likely to have more friends. Hence, I recommend children to spend time on sports.

It is fairly good but redundant and with a lack of fluency in its unfold.

Indeed, you should consider these aspects and write. Eventually, your essay lacks of consistency.

Hope this helps

Thank you!

Any ideas how I might improve my essay and what kind of score I would obtain with this essay?

* Can I post another essay?
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Joined: 01 Sep 2010
Posts: 3488
Re: I need some help with my essay  [#permalink]

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11 Jun 2014, 03:50
did you see this one ??

best-resources-to-tackle-each-section-of-the-toefl-ibt-144802.html

this book is a good resource for your purpose

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/1438070 ... eader-link

yes, of course
_________________
Intern
Joined: 13 Sep 2013
Posts: 19
Concentration: International Business, Human Resources
GMAT Date: 01-27-2014
Re: I need some help with my essay  [#permalink]

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11 Jun 2014, 05:09
Question: Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion

Words: 379

Respons

Deciding how to live is a complex question for young adults. A young adult may opt to live independent from his/her parents or to live together with his/her family. I believe that living independent from your parents is a better choice than living with your family for a longer period. I base this opinion on two reasons, namely: (1) overall independence and (2) social life.

To begin with, living independent from your parents will increase overall independence. When young adults have the opportunity to live on their own they have to make decisions on their own, such as how much money to spend on groceries. This is a perfect way to learn how to deal with money. For example, I started living on my own when I was eighteen years old and I also had to deal with budgeting money. I wanted to stay healthy so I regularly bought healthy food. However, healthy products were more expensive so I once spent too much money, which resulted in a situation in which I could not buy other things anymore. With this example I would like to clarify how hard it is to learn how to deal with money if you are living with your parents. Because when you live with your parents, they deal with the issue of spending money.

Furthermore, I believe that living independent from your parents will increase your social life. You will be able to build friendships and to organize parties. Because when you live independent you could create your own schedule and you are free to do whatever you want and you can, for instance, invite friends without asking for permission. When I started living on my own I was able to create my own schedule, with regard to when to go to sleep, when to eat dinner and what friends to invite. I learned to create a perfect schedule and I was able to balance my social life as well as my professional life.

To conclude, in my opinion living independent from your parents is much more profitable and is a better choice for young adults. It will benefit their overall independence, they will learn how to deal with money, as well as their social life, they are able to create their own schedule.
Intern
Joined: 13 Sep 2013
Posts: 19
Concentration: International Business, Human Resources
GMAT Date: 01-27-2014
Re: I need some help with my essay  [#permalink]

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11 Jun 2014, 05:11
carcass wrote:
did you see this one ??

best-resources-to-tackle-each-section-of-the-toefl-ibt-144802.html

this book is a good resource for your purpose

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/1438070 ... eader-link

yes, of course

Thanks again!

I did see the "best-recources" page, very appropriate in my opinion!

The second book is not necessary. I have my exam this saturday! But I appreciate your help!!
Intern
Joined: 13 Sep 2013
Posts: 19
Concentration: International Business, Human Resources
GMAT Date: 01-27-2014
Re: I need some help with my essay  [#permalink]

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12 Jun 2014, 03:04
1
Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important to keep your old friends than it is to make new friends

Respons:

Words: 366

Friends, everyone has some. The question is whether it is more important to keep your old friends or to make new friends. I believe it is more important to keep your old friends, because of historical and social reasons.

To begin with, keeping your old friends is more important than making new friends. With old friends you have shared several memorable events. For instance, I have two old friends. We became friends in high school and shared moments of happiness and sadness, such as graduation and the death of beloved family members. Because of the fact that we shared these moments we know each other thoroughly and therefore we know how to deal with each other when certain things happen or if we feel sad. New friends do not know about the existence of certain past events and it is, in some cases, such as the death of beloved family members, not pleasant to share these events and to build a new friendship right from the start.

Furthermore, making new friends can be very time-consuming because you have to invest time to build up a new friendship. I believe, that it is somewhat harder to make new friends when you are older because of two reasons. Firstly, old friendships are, normaly established, during childhood. In this fase children have plenty of time to play and to create valuable and precious friendships, whereas older people have less time, because they have jobs. Secondly, because of their busy lives and schedules older people do not frequently meet new people. Older people have fixed live patterns while young people meet new people when they go to college, when they practice sports etc.

To conclude, I believe that it is more important to keep your old friends than to make new friends. I have two reasons to support my opinion. First, with old friends you have shared precious moments while with new friends you need to start from scratch. Second, for older people, because of their busy schedules, it is very time-consuming to meet new people and often older people do not regularly meet new people because of fixed live patterns. Hence, it is important to keep your old friendships.
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Re: I need some help with my essay  [#permalink]

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12 Jun 2014, 04:16
A bit better than the previous one
_________________
Re: I need some help with my essay   [#permalink] 12 Jun 2014, 04:16

# I need some help with my essay

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