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# IMPORTANT: RATE MY ESSAY What to improve?

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Intern
Joined: 20 Aug 2018
Posts: 2
IMPORTANT: RATE MY ESSAY What to improve?  [#permalink]

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23 Sep 2018, 11:39
AWA ESSAYS: Analyze Argument
Essay Question:
The following appeared in an article in a medical journal:

"The major increase in new cases of adult-onset diabetes during the past decade is the result of poor nutrition, which is itself the result of a lack of government control over the quality of foods available at low prices. If the government placed more emphasis on proper nutrition by requiring that food manufacturers include more vitamins and minerals in their products, the rate of adult-onset diabetes would be reduced significantly."

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

Situation: New cases of diabetes in adults is increased compared to last decade because of poor nutrition. the lack of government control over the quality of low priced food. If government emphasis on proper nutrition by requiring that food manufacturer include more vitamins and minerals in their products, the rate of diabetes in adults would be reduced significantly

Flaw :
1. How much more vitamins and minerals are required to avoid the chances of diabetes
2. Does increasing vitamins and minerals affect the quality of food
3. If increasing vitamins and minerals increase the price of the food

Assumption:
1. Only lack vitamins and minerals cause diabetes among adults
2. The food manufacturer always follow the government action
3. Food nutrition is measured only by the number of vitamins and minerals present in the food
4. The price of low-priced food will not increase with the addition of more vitamins and minerals

Evidence in support:
In countries, where government emphasised more on nutrition with the required amount of vitamins and minerals in the low as well as high priced food, the number of cases of diabetes reduced significantly

Evidence counter authors conclusion:
In countries, where government emphasised more on nutrition with the required amount of vitamins and minerals in the food, the number of cases of diabetes increased significantly

Strengthen the argument:
Studies suggest that if the proper amount of essential vitamin and minerals are present in the food diabetes can be controlled and also avoids the chance of diabetes
Magoosh GMAT Instructor
Joined: 30 Oct 2017
Posts: 231
Re: IMPORTANT: RATE MY ESSAY What to improve?  [#permalink]

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23 Sep 2018, 18:08
1
Gamblor wrote:
AWA ESSAYS: Analyze Argument
Essay Question:
The following appeared in an article in a medical journal:

"The major increase in new cases of adult-onset diabetes during the past decade is the result of poor nutrition, which is itself the result of a lack of government control over the quality of foods available at low prices. If the government placed more emphasis on proper nutrition by requiring that food manufacturers include more vitamins and minerals in their products, the rate of adult-onset diabetes would be reduced significantly."

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

Situation: New cases of diabetes in adults is increased compared to last decade because of poor nutrition. the lack of government control over the quality of low priced food. If government emphasis on proper nutrition by requiring that food manufacturer include more vitamins and minerals in their products, the rate of diabetes in adults would be reduced significantly

Flaw :
1. How much more vitamins and minerals are required to avoid the chances of diabetes
2. Does increasing vitamins and minerals affect the quality of food
3. If increasing vitamins and minerals increase the price of the food

Assumption:
1. Only lack vitamins and minerals cause diabetes among adults
2. The food manufacturer always follow the government action
3. Food nutrition is measured only by the number of vitamins and minerals present in the food
4. The price of low-priced food will not increase with the addition of more vitamins and minerals

Evidence in support:
In countries, where government emphasised more on nutrition with the required amount of vitamins and minerals in the low as well as high priced food, the number of cases of diabetes reduced significantly

Evidence counter authors conclusion:
In countries, where government emphasised more on nutrition with the required amount of vitamins and minerals in the food, the number of cases of diabetes increased significantly

Strengthen the argument:
Studies suggest that if the proper amount of essential vitamin and minerals are present in the food diabetes can be controlled and also avoids the chance of diabetes

Hi Gamblor,

Your response should be an essay (i.e. in paragraphs), not in an outlined format. Please see this example essay for reference: GMAT AWA Example Essay

-Carolyn
_________________
Intern
Joined: 20 Aug 2018
Posts: 2
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23 Sep 2018, 23:04
Thank you, carolyn
Will attempt the essay again with provided template
Senior Manager
Joined: 09 Aug 2017
Posts: 359
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24 Sep 2018, 09:06
The author of article presents a causation argument, stating that because of poor nutrients which is ultimate result of the lack of government control over the quality of low priced foods, the major cases of adult diabetes are increasing in course of past decade. The author is assuming that the government is guilty for this increasing trend and only by emphasizing the food manufacturers to add more vitamin and minerals, government could reduce the rate of adult diabetes. The presented arguments seems fallacious and ill-convincing on myriad reasoning grounds. The author has taken a leap to reach conclusion without considering other possible factors of the rising trend of number of cases of diabetes.

Firstly, the author assumes that major increase in new cases of adult onset diabetes is due to only poor nutrients.The author has not considered other factors such as food habits or pattern, lifestyle and other diseases which could develop diabetes could be the cause of diabetes. The diabetes could be hereditary issue with many families.The increasing acquaintance of diabetes in families can also be the cause of reporting of new cases. Without clarifying aforementioned assumption, it would be unconscionable to blame poor nutrients for this rising trend.

Secondly, the author argues that poor nutrient is due to the lack of government control over quality of food available at low prices. The author has not defined the measurement of food quality in quantitative terms of nutrients and without it what is poor nutrients and what is rich nutrients could not be classified. Moreover, if the new cases admitted assert either that low price food are not consumed significantly by population or that high priced foods which have sufficient nutrients are out of reach of population, the government control over food will not impact the number of diabetes cases indirectly.

The author claims that by emphasizing the food manufactures to add more vitamins and minerals in their products, government could play vital role in reducing the rate of adult onset diabetes. The addition of more vitamins and minerals will add cost to products, consequently people will be more reluctant to buy those products and contract diabetes at higher rate. Though the food manufacturers balance the vitamin and minerals in their product under the stringent monitoring of government, the products reach to consumers after a long time when their quality degrades over a while. Therefore, the delivery time of the product from manufacturer to end user is also necessary to know whether government tight control will work to reduce the number of diabetes victims by maintaining the quality of foods.

In sum, the author's blame on government for rising trend of diabetes is unsubstantial without finding the factors impacting the rising number of cases of diabetes and elucidating the details asked earlier in this analysis. The argument is espoused by providing the extent of government role in quality of food available in market, quantifying the nutrients, defining the threshold level of vitamins and minerals in food to avert diabetes and giving nutrient details of food consumed by people.
IMPORTANT: RATE MY ESSAY What to improve?   [#permalink] 24 Sep 2018, 09:06
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