Looking for someone to evaluate my essay!!
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02 Aug 2021, 17:14
So, I did a practice essay just now (since I feel guilty not studying very much for this part of the GMAT). I would appreciate it if people could score it for me (out of 6) and provide feedback.
One thing I noticed after writing was that even though I left myself 3 minutes to proofread my essay, I still found a handful of obvious spelling errors in the essay (for example, spelling "outside" as "outide" or writing "shortfalls" as "short falls" or even writing "argument" as "agument" lol). This is probably because I have to read very fast in order to read 650+ words in less than 3 minutes and I may look over some of my mistakes. I do not feel good about giving myself more than three minutes for proofreading since I still have a whole essay to write lol. So, any thoughts here people? Anyways, below is my prompt and essay.
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The following appeared as part of an article in a magazine devoted to regional life:
“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies.”
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.
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It is apparent that the author’s argument lacks merit in a handful of ways. The author lacks the ability to make larger scoped and fully thought out arguments. Many of the short falls are because the author is inferring that corporations should look into Helios because of the average unemployment rate in a certain region (this implies that the author is not expanding their thoughts outside of a certain region and that the author is comparing against an average instead of a more meaningful metric), the author is making decisions based on the historical job market of Helios instead of the present market, and the author is making a point that Helios is attempting to attract companies though means that have not yet been proven to succeed.
First, the author makes the decision that corporations should reside in Helios because it has an unemployment rate that is lower than the regions average. This argument is flawed because there may be other cities in the region that have an even lower unemployment rate (much below the average) and those cities might be an even better option. Also, what about cities outide of the region? The author lacks the ability to think outside the scope of a specific region. For example, what if another city had a significantly lower unemployment rate than Helious in the same region or even in another region, why would that city not be any better than Helios?
Second, the author bases a large part of their argument on historical data, which may not be representative of today’s situation. Even if historically Helious has provided more than its share of manufacturing jobs, does that mean it is as good or better today than it was in the past? It is possible that things have changed dramatically since the past. It is also possible that things changed in a negative matter. For example, what if many years ago the job market in Helios was bright, but recently a pandamic strongly hit Helios more than other cities and hence killed the job market in Helious for the most part? Then, today’s job market might not be representative of the past job market.
Third, the author states that the city is trying to attract companies that focus on research and the development of innovative technologies in order to expand its economic base. Though, it would be irresponsible to place this into an argument on why corporations should choose Helios for future oppurtunities. Sure, the city may be trying to do what the author says it is trying to do, but there is no say in whether is will succeed or not. If it does not succeed in bringing more of these companies in, then it may not expand its economic base, and therefore, it may not be ideal for future economic business oppurtunities. The author bases their argument on a conditional and potential action item succeeding, but if it does not succeed, then the author has lost much of their merit.
In conclusion, we have clearly seen that the authors argument is greatly flawed and without merit. The author did not broden their scope enough to realize the unemployment rate outside of the region, nor did the author use a valid metric for unemployment rate comparison (for example, comparing against the average instead of the lowest quartile with respect to unemployment rate). The author also failed to use a reliable source of data by choosing to base much of their argument on historical data. Finally, the author wrongly based their argument on a conditional stregnthener which may or may not succeed. All in all, the author had the opprunity to eliminate these weaknesses and provide more concrete data, examples, and arguments. As a closing remark, something the author could have established which would make their agument more sensical is to compare the unemployment rate of Helios with the unemployment rate of cities outside of the region as well as with other regions lower quartile unemployment rates.