Please critique my essay draft

Question

Hi Everybody,
Here's the draft I got for Duke's MMS program. Please help me improve my essay. Thank you guys!

Essay question : Why are you pursuing MMS at this stage? (250 words)

My Response :
 I am pursuing MMS degree at Fuqua now because I have always wanted to work in the healthcare business sector and I believe MMS will teach me the essential skills of business and management to help me reach my goal. My interest in health-related career comes from my father who is a doctor and also works in the pharmaceutical business. He used to tell me about his struggles and successes in the industry and encouraged me to learn from his experiences. 
 However, it is during my summer internship at the Kentucky Reptile Zoo that working in the healthcare business became a passion for me. My boss and his staffs sacrificed their safeties, extracting venom from dangerous reptiles everyday to save lives and educate people. My boss told me that the pains from all the accidental bites during work and surgeries are nothing compared to the joy he gets from the news of his anti-serum saving someone’s life or helping scientists come up with cures for diseases. It made me realize how rewarding and important it is to have a career in which you not only make money for yourself and family but also impact other people lives. 
 I believe working in the healthcare business will allow me to have a rewarding career and life fulfilling experience. Pursuing the MMS degree will definitely provide me with the necessary fundamentals and knowledge of business and management to make an impact in the healthcare business.

jumsumtak · Answer

It's a good start, but needs work. For starters, it doesn't answer the question. Also, because it's a short answer, you may reduce the background story & fit in more relevant stuff about how you are ready NOW & why Duke.

kple12 · Answer

The question in itself is answered but for these, there are questions hidden within the question that you have to answer. Keep in mind that I'm guessing you are not asked these questions elsewhere in the application.

Here are other questions you need to answer:

1. What is your end game of the MMS Program? Right now all you say is healthcare but that is broad field. Be specific! Companies, titles, specific industry within healthcare, etc.

2. How will Duke get you there? You need to show you've done your research and that Duke IS the ONLY program for you. You only mention Duke once and it's not much. You need to mention not only what Duke can do for you, but what you can do for Duke.

dave785 · Answer

The key to the question is "at this stage" which you don't address at all.

Why did you choose THIS year to pursue the MMS?

The question isn't asking about what you want to do, it's asking you for your qualifications. You need to demonstrate here that after you finish the MMS that you will be hireable in your target field.

app23yy · Answer

Thanks for the help guys. Yeah, I had a bunch of stuffs that I wanted to write but it's only 250 words so it's kinda hard to fit all in. I think I should remove some of my background info in the 2nd paragraph and add more about why Duke and why I am the right fit for Duke, etc

app23yy · Answer

You are absolutely spot on. Duke requires me to write 5 different essays. The first essay is this one. And the second one is my immediate career goals. The third one is about my alternate career plans should the primary plan fail.

So I think what you said in 1. will be covered in the 2nd essay. and I should add more about your 2nd point in the current essay. What do you think?

kple12 · Answer

Yup that's what I think!

Your essay should almost be 50:50 "Why you want an MMS" and "Why Duke's MMS".

What makes Duke's MMS program the best fit for YOU out of all the potential MMS programs in the country?

Your goal basically with the essay is to make it super easy and logical for the adcom to follow. After reading the essay, the adcom should be able to say:

1. They want an MMS because "blank"
2. This is what led to them to this conclusion
3. This is why Duke is the best fit

It needs to be as seamless as possible. The purpose of the essay is to help give the adcom a sense of your focus. You want to come off as someone who has their "stuff" together and will hit the ground running when you start.

dave785 · Answer

I humbly disagree because none of this actually answers the question... "At this stage" is the most important part, and so you need to reference something that is happening now in the MMS business environment as well as reference the stage of your career that you're currently in. Something like:

My goal is to earn an MMS at this stage because after working in *career* for *duration* I now have the experience and first-hand knowledge to leverage the MMS degree upon reentering the workforce. As I've advanced along my career, I have noticed *issue that someone with an MMS degree can solve* and in order to be a *school quality such as "Leader of Consequence"* I will need an MMS. The reason I will need an MMS in order to do this is because *things you'll learn in MMS*

In other words, it has to be relevant to this stage.

app23yy · Answer

So, I made changes to my essay after taking into consideration of what everyone said. I had to change the background story a little bit. But I think I covered why I want MMS right now, my future career plans and why DUKE's program is the right program for me. Please let me know what you guys think. and Thanks again!
 
"My interest in pursuing MMS degree at Fuqua comes from two factors. First is from my father who is a doctor and also a businessman in the healthcare industry. His stories about his successes in the healthcare business motivated my interest in the healthcare industry. Second is from my experience of growing up in Myanmar. Under the rulership of the military for decades, Myanmar has struggled to provide a quality healthcare system for its citizens. There are numerous incidents in which the victims did not survive because the emergency care did not arrive in time. During the country’s transformation process, I wish to be able to contribute by creating efficient and effective healthcare programs. 
After finishing my undergraduate studies in biology, I realize that I need to pursue a management education to improve my understanding of the fundamentals of management and business. I believe the MMS program at Fuqua will help me develop as a leader by improving my public speaking skills, negotiating skills and strategic planning skills. Furthermore, I feel that the diverse community of MMS program will provide me with unvaluable experience and skills necessary to deal with foregin investors and customers in the future. 
With the knowledge and skills developed from the MMS program, I hope to grow as a professional in a healthcare management consulting firm and build up my understanding of the industry. Eventually, I hope to utilize my experience and knowledge in helping Myanmar creating a quality healthcare system for its citizens."

smithendy · Answer

Hi!! You've done a great job. And now you are experienced in it. Just try everytime to analyze everything you write. Show your thoughts in terms of keys. BTW, next time for saving energy and efforts you can ask for assistance. https: //goo. gl /H7fJVI I know it is not the best way to develop your skils but still you could teach something using their help. REgards!

Please critique my essay draft

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